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Ten bucks says she’s going to write a book. It will suck, with a surprising amount of suckaliciousness. However, she will still make a ton of money and probably run off with Howard K. Stern. Or just buy another cat.
"I hope I’m given [the opportunity to tell baby DANNIELYNN about her mother one day]," says Kim, wiping back tears. "I just want her to know that her mom really was an amazing person, and loved her, and I would like to tell her the good things, you know?"
TRANSLATION: Baby girl, you gonna owe me some SERIOUS bank for putting up with your momma.
Best known as "Kimmie" on reality TV’s "The Anna Nicole Show," Kim was the late TRIMSPA spokesperson’s personal assistant and admirer, whose purple hair and shoulder tattoo of Anna Nicole made her a memorable character.
TRANSLATION: "Memorable" because she actually put up with Anna Nicole’s crap and restrained herself (as far as we know) from completely kicking her ass.
Kim — who says she spoke with Anna Nicole just two weeks before she died — met the former Playboy model about seven years ago at a desert resort, where she was working the front desk. She explains that once she got Anna Nicole’s computer working, "We kinda just hit it off and became friends … she was like a mom to me at times, and a sister and a best friend."
TRANSLATION: She also became like a Svengali, a Marge Simpson, a Bugs Bunny, and a Cabbage Patch Doll. Oh, and also like one of those lettuce wraps from P.F. Chang’s. Mmmm.
Kim says Anna constantly talked about having more kids: "She wanted five more kids," she says, "and she had whole chests full of girl clothes that she had been saving over the years."
TRANSLATION: Kids will give me more excuses to be completely mental. Plus, I could probably steal their Ritalin and no one would be the wiser. NO ONE.
But once Anna got pregnant, Kim claims that Anna revealed she wasn’t sure who fathered the child.
TRANSLATION: Girlfriend was a straight up HO.
"She told me she didn’t know who the father was," she explains. "She told me, let’s see — I guess around Christmastime or shortly after New Year’s — that HOWARD [K. STERN] was the baby’s father."
TRANSLATION: Santa Claus could also be the father. Or I could be the father. I’m Kimmie, The Stand-In Dad, at your service!
Kim was with Anna as a witness when the star signed her last will and testament: "I haven’t recently read the will, so I can’t really say what’s in there," she offers. "I do know that at the time she signed it, she was sound, mind and body, and that’s what she had intended."
TRANSLATION: I’m not in the will. I HATE YOU ANNA NICOLE.
As for Howard’s relationship with Anna and her late son, DANIEL, Kim says, "I would never think that he would do anything to harm either Daniel or Anna. Anna was his entire world. I can’t even imagine what he’s going through. I know what I’m going through is hard, but Howard, he’s been with her for these last couple of years that I haven’t been there, and I really wish people would leave him alone."
TRANSLATION: Howard K.Stern is a very special man to me. He is my Precious. Noooooo one shall touch the Precious.
In fact, Kim wants to go on record saying that there’s a Web site on the Internet that’s purported to be hers, but in fact it’s not — it’s the work of an impersonator. The site expresses negative views about Howard, and Kim wants to make it clear that she is not involved with it in any way.
TRANSLATION: Yeah, not involved in it in any way LIKE A FOX, baby!
I would love to be in the middle of that conversation with Dannielynn. Your mother was amazing, at least in bed. I should know because I (Kimmie) am your father.