‘Bachelor Pad’ Superlatives: This Is Not For America

Somehow, the producers at ABC managed to edit this week’s amazing Bachelor Pad narrative down to two hours. And the second episode did not disappoint…generally everyone on the show acted like vapid, self centered idiots. In our ideal universe, each week it would get shorter and the last week would just be 2 minutes of the remaining contestants being eaten alive by bears. But until we rule the universe, we’ll have to stick with making fun of the candidates (superlative style).

Best Teaser line of the night:
Kasey.
“That’s for America, that’s for my girlfriend.”
Kasey doing his best impression of Captain America…like we don’t know he’s the Red Skull. Stop it.

Most unsubtle scripting of a line:
ABC producers to Jake:
“I came in with a huge target on my back.”
Cut to…game where everyone has an actual target on their backs. Did you catch that everyone?? Subtle!

Most Surprising athlete:
Jackie.
Though Melissa hit the most eggs in this challenge, we were more shocked by Jackie’s performance. She will definitely have to be the man of the house if any guys decide to step to Ames. We all know he is NOT a fighter.

Least surprising bad athlete:
Ames.
Just surprised he could even make a fist.

Biggest Egghead:
Erica.
She was literally hit by a dozen eggs on her head. This was pretty cruel as the eggs were in answer to the question “Who do you find least attractive?”
Especially when Michael hit her with a 94 mile an hour fastball.

Fakest empathy:
Michelle.
Trying to emphathize with Erica for being called unattractive.

Runner up:
Gia.
Being called ugly is something that has never ever happened to either of them. But it feels faker when the empathy comes from Michelle.

Biggest Front Runner (Guy):
Kirk.
He seems to be flying below the radar. Ella mentioned something about him being sick and needing money. I’m sure he will start milking that at some point.

Biggest Front Runner (Girl):
Michelle Kardashian (aka Money).
She seems firmly in the drivers seat. Anyone else want the number to her therapist? She’s done a remarkable job.

Worst Financial Situation:
Tie: Ella and Jake.
We all figured Ella was in a tough situation being a single mom, but Jake’s hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt was shocking. This amazingly came out after Jake pathetically tried to save his sorry butt by claiming he would give the money to charity. Yeah, the Jake Pavelka credit restoration fund!

Biggest Backstabber:
Graham.
Could it have been more obvious that he was going to sell Gia out to Kasey? Love that Kasey actually said Graham made a “beeline” for him.

Best line:
Blake.
Here’s his take on making out with Melissa:
“I’m akin to a prostitute, I have to whore myself out.”
At least you know what you are pal.

Runner up:
Melissa.
“When do I get my Kasey-Vienna or my Jackie Ames?”
You wanna know when you get a short lived, shallow, drama fueled relationship that will end in infidelity? Soon, I promise.

2nd Runner up:
Blake.
On Kasey’s perceived power:
“The guy carries as much clout as a gust of wind.”

3rd Runner up:
Blake again.
“Holly is like an island of serenity. I wanna get in a rowboat and go to that island but I keep getting capsized by the typhoon called Melissa.”

Blake must have realized what a bore he seemed like after the first episode and wrote himself some damn good lines.

Most Unnecessary Indoor Hat wearing:
Blake.
By our count, at least 4 guys wear hats unnecessarily indoors, which is the surest sign of douchiness. Kasey went with traditional baseball cap. Michael went with loser small brimmed cap turned sideways, Graham opted for classic losery paperboy cap. But not to be outdone, Blake wore both a beanie and a baseball hat backwards (didn’t know people still did that).

Best comeback:
Michael.
In response to Holly asking “Don’t you feel like we’ve always been best friends?” What does Blake say?
“NO, I always knew I loved you and wanted to marry you.”
We were so proud of him for about five seconds. Before the never ending stream of tears started pouring from his face.

Creepiest Moment:
Kasey.
The dude made his wrist tattoo of a heart start beating. Am I the only one who’s gonna have nightmares about that wrist heart chasing me in the middle of the night?

Biggest surprise:
Gia storms off crying because everyone is deceptive and malicious and she is afraid she will become one of them if she sticks around. I was so proud of her for scheming with Graham.

Least surprising:
Melissa’s meltdown.
I lost $20 because it took this long.

Scumbag of the night:
Blake.
The dude has no one to blame for getting himself caught in a love triangle with Melissa and Holly. Doesn’t he realize Melissa is Jennifer Jason Leigh from Single White Female?
“He told me our relationship was serendipitous.”
Blake thinks is all fun and games now, but just wait till she watches this on TV and hears you call her a loose cannon. Lock your doors, buddy.

Reddest face:
Kasey.
But Kirk and Blake (aka Blirk), are catching up. Is the Red Skull contagious?

Best Feud:
Vienna and Chris Harrison.
When Chris came in and started questioning the Jake-Vienna feud, she tried to step to Mr. Harrison, implying she was being forced to do any of this. Not only did he laugh it off, he told her she could leave, pointed to both doors, and offered to call a cab.  Didn’t even offer a limo. Amazing.

Shortest attempt at a mutiny:
Vienna.
When she found out Harrison pulled a rule change and decided to vote off two girls, which ruined her destroy-Jake strategy, she pathetically tried to get everyone to stand up to Harrison. Everyone pretended not to hear her.

Most Romantic Moment:
Ames.
Jackie gets voted off and Ames becomes her knight in shining armor with his sissy jog to the limo. He leaves the show with her so they can live happily ever after.

Least Romantic Moment:
Ames.
Five seconds earlier, when he reduced her to tears by temporarily staying for the money. Which makes us think maybe he’s not as rich as we thought.

Unanswered Questions of the night:
Michael.
Why does he say he waited a “FULL YEAR” to ask Holly to marry him? That’s a short amount of time, not sure if he is aware of that.

Well, it looks like the tide is turning on the Vienna-Kasey power alliance. Can’t wait to see who steps into the power vacuum.  Until next time, you can reach Matt Ritter on Twitter @mattritter1.