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The inspiration for my hott birthday outfit.
It’s a very special day here at BravoFan HQ. That’s right, bitches, it’s my birthday! Thus far, I have spent it in opulence and luxury, which is what I have learned from my millions of hours of Real Housewives viewings. For example, last night I was a very exclusive night club called “Work” till 3 in the morning. That place is so fun, they have this great specialty drink called the WaterCooler! My Hummer H2 is in the shop, so I had to take the subway (OMG GROSS) but fortunately, it was to this after-hours club called “Bus Terminal.” Then, my personal driver, who insists I call him my Uncle, came and picked me up. You see, my normal limousine (also known as the bus, which is kind of weird, right?) didn’t start working for a while, so I had to call him.
Finally, I was able to get some beauty sleep. I donned a special pair of pajamas from this really hot boutique called The Gap and slept the morning away while my maid prepared an extensive breakfast. Or at least that’s what I thought! When I came downstairs, I was dismayed to discover that my maid had taken off for the day, also claiming to have gone to “Work.” She can’t fool me; I know she can’t get into Work’s day time country club. I’ve been dying to get in for a year! In any case, I very cruelly had to make my own coffee and toast a bagel. I am so asking my second assistant to put an ad on Craigslist so I can find a new maid, this one is not pulling her weight around. My first assistant is currently out fetching me a jug of the best wine, which is called Franzia.
In any case, I thought I would share the birthday wish list I just e-mailed my fiancee, Lil Dad. He was off in something he calls court-mandated rehab (ohhh so VIP!) and is finally free to shop for me! Tell me what you think of the gifts:
1. Haute couture from She By Sheree (he won’t buy me my own fashion line! Why is he so mean!!!!)
2. A custom-edition Kim Zolciak wig with chardonnay drinking attachment
3. All of Mike Isabella’s Ed Hardy shirts
4. Custom home renovation from JEFF LEWIS not RYAN BROWN. I told him to make sure he Googles Jeff Lewis’s name in case he gets confused and ends up at Ryan’s site!
5. Etiquette lessons from Tamra Barney — need her to teach me how to take shots in a more graceful manner
What else should I ask for!? Remember, like Nene Leakes, I don’t keep up with the Joneses, I am the Joneses!!
[Image: Bravo/NBC Universal]
If I were there I’d take you for Miss Thangs at The Rusty Nail and then we’d go shopping for drapes at Zarin Fabrics.
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Hahahahha, that’s too funny. Happy birthday yet again!
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Hope you have a great day. I’ll go home and have a beer to celebrate. Maybe two. What the heck I’ll go all out and have a Vodka cranup.
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HAHAHA “Lil Dad”!
You need a theme song now. And we KNOW your singing talents exceed those of Ms. Kim Zolciak, so get on that, pls. MD cover of Tardy for the Party ASAPly.
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Hahaha! I love it!
Happy Birthday, enjoy….:)
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Aww, I remember when you drunk dialed me on your birthday about 6 years ago. Miss you, and Happy Birthday!
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Happy Birthday, Maria! Another year of spirit and spunk :)
I love October babies .. have one of my own, 17 yesterday <3
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Uhh that would be yesterday’s yesterday lol — 27th
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Happy Birthday! (no jewelry?????)
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Happy B-Day! Starcasm will send over a box of the finest chardonnay!
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Sweetie you forgot the nice pink motorcycle!!
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Happy Belated Birthday Maria! I toasted your birthday with a whole bottle of Mammertino! (It’s Milwaukee’s version of Cristol, and for only 15.99 a bottle, the hangovers are affordable) Thank you for the awesome job you do!
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Thanks, Kat! If you want a super special vodka cranny, try it with Absolut Citrus, soda, and a splash of cran. Deeeeelightful!
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Awww! There is a great bakery around Zarin Fabrics neighborhood called Babycakes and a bunch of hot bars. We’d have a grand old time.
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Oh MAN. I am so sorry. I used to be such a reckless cell phone user.
And thanks, Jess! I miss you, too!
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@Starcasm, yes! I need a refill after last night’s birthday celebrations!
@Becky, Thanks! And how could I forget.. I need some bling. I’m thinking a diamond encrusted new laptop. I love that idea.
@RJay, Happy birthday to your newly 17 year old! And yes, we October babies are the best. :)
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You mean the peeeeeenk motorcycle. I’ll send him an update!
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