Danielle Staub Analyzes ‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’ Season 3 Episode 9

Danielle Staub: Hey, Melissa: that's-a-fuckin'-nuff with the Jesus talk. Obviously I am a Catholic, but I have my limits. Everyone knows Christmas is Jesus' birthday! This is not news! Jesus!

Danielle Staub: Really, you told the girls that Joe was on a fishing trip? I mean, certainly that wouldn't be the first time Joe spent a weekend with a hook(er), but don't you think they might have heard otherwise in school? Clearly, I am a model parent and my daughters don't watch the show or read my revealing tell-all, but I bet your kids do! And what is a chicken-ass?

Danielle Staub: (slow clap) Bravo once again, Jacqueline, for rewarding the devil reincarnated, aka your first born. What did you get Ashley for her birthday? A prison anklet? A muzzle? A Jenny Craig membership to tone her upper arms? No... a "protection necklace." Like Ashley needs that! Everyone she ever comes in contact with should have one, but there's no reason she does. Unless she collaborates with that coke whore Dina to team up on me.

Danielle Staub: Crocodile tears! And thank you, bravotv.com, for my new background pic on my computer.

Danielle Staub: Lauren doesn't want to sit next to Ashley? I'm liking her more and more. I took Ashley under my wing because she hated her mom and liked my tanning bed and my car. Then she pulled the HAIR OUT OF MY HEAD. If Lauren wants me to adopt her and leave her clown mother, she's going to have to prove herself first. And was it just me, or did the gargoyles outside look JUST like Ashley?!

Danielle Staub: Really, Ashley? "Money doesn't buy a relationship"? Puh-lease. We all know all you care about is money. Who are you kidding? And if she wants a real father figure in her life, she should look to her Aunt Caroline before she shaves her face in the morning.

Danielle Staub: The Gorgas invite "Fabulous Fred" over as a party planner. May I first say how proud I am, as a gay advocate and pseudo-lesbian myself, that the Gorgas managed to find a gay man in the party planning industry? What a hard thing to do! Once again Melissa brings up Jesus and God, yada, yada, yada. I'm beginning to think she's hiding that she's not actually a Christian, with all the incessant Jesus talk. Kind of like Bethenny Frankel constantly trying to shield attention away from the fact that she's Jewish. Give it up, girls! And who cares if their servers are hot or not?

Danielle Staub: Obviously Kathy really misses Teresa at Christmastime, or why else would she have made a mask that looks exactly like her?

Danielle Staub: Really, Albert, you'd be happy with a Big Mac? I wouldn't have been able to tell.

Danielle Staub: So Melissa's holiday party was all about charity, right? What these WOMAAAN don't understand is the the difference between helping a charity and helping yourself. I mean, my daughter Christine's Sweet Sixteen was for charity, but that was just because we got everything for free. This... is different. And why was Melissa dressed like it was her Sweet Sixteen? And the "Gorga money"? What a vulgar display of wealth! Not that I would object if my husband was that wealthy... And what is a "liberry"? Melissa has clearly inherited her speech impediment from her sister-in-law. And is Watch What Happens Live filmed in their "liberry"?

Danielle Staub: When is Kathy going to realize that it's not worth it to even try to get along with Teresa? And when is she going to realize that poufs are better left to the Jersey Shore set? And I had to laugh when Rich said he would burn the mother-fucking house down. He might be my favorite cast member. Also, while I'm not fan of Joe Giudice's, why would it cost $1,000 to fix an air conditioner? Better yet, why is a gay man married to Melissa's sister?

Danielle Staub: Why is Kim G here? Was there an AARP meeting down the street?