Dear Girls Who Want To Talk To Their Dads About Sex: Ew.

According to our friends at Lemondrop today, a recent NYU sex study has found that many girls actually “wish they would have had the awkward sex chat with their dads.”

To all the girls who think that: I’m sorry you have daddy issues. But having a sex talk with your dad isn’t really going to make that drummer call you back, or make that bartender your boyfriend. Here’s what it will do: increase awkwardness levels with your dad.

Katherine Hutchinson, associate professor at the NYU College of Nursing tells Time:

“They felt that if they could have been more comfortable talking with their fathers about issues around sex, they might have been more comfortable talking to boyfriends or potential sexual partners about them. And they wanted to know how to negotiate intimacy issues with men.”

Here’s the thing. Men are, as a rule, bad at intimacy. Do you think your dad is better at that stuff than guys your own age? Maybe he is. Do you think your dad wants to talk to you about sex? If you think yes, you are very wrong. Your dad doesn’t want to tell you what boys think. Your dad is terrified of what boys think and do. And wants to keep you as far away from those things as possible.

Take this example: I have a male friend who now has two daughters. After having his first child, he rewatched the movie Dirty Dancing. And decided Baby’s dad was right. Patrick Swayze‘s character was a  sleazy dirt bag. Why did he think that? Because he now had a daughter. And the idea of Patrick Swayze, or anyone like him, getting close to his daughter makes him angry. Very angry.

Your dad does not want to help you understand the reasons men act the way they do. Before he had you, he probably had some dirt bag tendencies of his own. And he does not want to think about you having sex with guys like him. Even if you think it will help you understand the guys you hook up with. Sorry.