Dear Katy Perry: Please Stop Shooting Things From Your Breasts. Mkay? Thanks.

The video for Katy Perry‘s new song “Firework” is out and it’s a huge deviation for the pop star. It’s an inspirational message aimed at teens who are facing difficulties in their lives. Gone are the Candyland costumes and hypercolor wigs and the animated gummy bears. And she’s really toned down the obsession with her breasts. Oh wait. Nope. There’s a big fireworks explosion coming out of her boobs.

Why? Because she’s being an inspiration to younguns, people! If you can get over cancer, and stop worrying about being a fattie, you too can have magical fireworks explode from your torso!

Really Katy? I would like to say something for all of the little people. No thanks!

Alright, I get it. It’s time for Katy to show her serious side. This is her attempt to have a serious song, like Christina Aguilera‘s Beautiful. But you know what undermines that? Random explosions coming from your breasts. I can just imagine how the planning meeting for this video went.

Producers: “OK Katy. This is really going to be your big moment. You’ve already had cupcake bras and festive midgets and whip cream explosions coming out of your breasts. Now you’re going to throw everyone for a loop. This is your serious song.”

Katy Perry: “OMG. I can be so serious. Remember the time I went to Russell’s movie premiere and I barely smiled? That was hard. But I can do this.”

Producers: “This song is called Firework. It starts with these words: ‘Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?’ It’s really moving.”

KP: OMG. Totally. I’ve been used up like a plastic bag. I’m so dirty.”

Producers: “No Katy. You’re showing these kids what they’re worth. They’ve got fireworks inside of them.”

KP: “Like exploding from their boobs? THAT IS SO HOT!”

Producers: “No Katy. These kids have real problems. But you’re an inspiration to them.”

KP: “Oh right. Sorry. The fireworks are exploding from my breasts. Got it.”

Producers: “No Katy. It’s like the Fourth of July.”

KP: “YES! The Fourth of July from my BOOBS. I am birthing a nation from my nipples. I love it. Great meeting. See you guys at Russell’s caramel coke den later, right?”
Firework – Katy Perry