Gallery: Courtney Stodden’s Bikini Pics Exactly Follow The Blueprint Of Heidi Montag’s Post-Surgery Photos

Seriously, how are we expected to think that these are a 17-year-old's real breasts?

This was Heidi's coming out after her ten plastic surgeries in one day, including her second set of breast implants.

Courtney can't resist the opportunity to remind us that she gave her virgin flower to an aging Lost star.

We've managed to train our gag reflexes to not respond whenever we see Speidi playing tonsil hockey in front of the cameras.

"I need to wash myself off because I'm a dirty girl!"

Seriously, it's some psychic mind meld going on here!

Would it be naive to think that this is the one part of Courtney that's not been tampered with?

Looking over the same shoulder... same lack of coverage from the bikini (ick).

Doug will do anything to boost his career, including letting a teenager who looks like a meth addict lay on his junk.

Same, but insert "grown woman who should know better" for "teenager" and "blow-up doll" for "meth addict."

As Edward Cullen famously said, "Hold on tight, spider monkey!"

"I'm a lion, roooar!"

Technically, they're actually imitating Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez.

Spencer thinks that if all else fails, maybe he could be in the Baywatch reboot. (Spoiler: There is no Baywatch reboot.)

My boyfriend's response was to literally recoil and say, "Aargh!"

This one never gets old.