Gallery: Meet The Stars Of IFC’s New Reality Show ‘Whisker Wars’

"Bearding is a sport. The Olympic team has people who ski jump for America. Beard Team USA grows beards for America. Our cause is to de-throne Germany and establish the United States as the world superpower in the sport."

A.k.a., the evil villains to beat. It's like World War Two all over again!

"It has been said that I'm the Muhammed Ali of beards. I talk a lot of trash and I have a lot to say, but just like the champ once said, it's not bragging if you can back it up."

"My beard looks really good, I mean, today especially. It's beautiful, it's like gold pouring out of my face."

"This is actually shaping up to be one of the biggest competitions in facial hair history."

(Voiceover): "Those guys have epic beards, you know? They're no joke. They're Texas boys with big ass beards."

"I had a little moment of real total cosmic consciousness when I screamed for Texas."

"If my beard was an animal, it'd be a seagull, 'cause it loves to pick stuff up."

I have no quotes for this lil' dude, but doesn't he look sinister?

We might be waning as a financial superpower, but we just might get to be a facial hair superpower instead.