Gallery: Sparkles, Sequins And Carrot Top Prevail At The American Country Awards

I don't care if you are a Motocross GOD, it's still not a real sport and you still need to take your 2004 Ashton Kutcher trucker hat off on the red carpet.

Sadly, the only name I recognized as a country singer on this list. But she looks great!

'Why Don't We Just Dance?' Because the zoot suit riot ended awhile ago, Josh?

Again with the pin-stripes?? Man, that must have been super embarrassing. Then again, you are Criss Angel so that's pretty much your baseline emotion.

I can't believe my Fairy Godmother got drunk on the job and ended up in Vegas again. Well I'm not bailing her ass out this time.

Same goes for you, stereotypically slutty demon on my shoulder.

My fairy godmother is a single-parent mom? Shit that makes sense.

For what I know about country music, you could honestly tell me that Carrot Top took home Best Album this year and I'd have to think really hard before remembering that nah, that was Lady Antebellum.

My man Corbin! No joke here, he looks like a fine fellow. Probably has a closet of hookers back home in his closet, but that's what they give for awards at these things, right?

I figured out Jewel's secret. Every hour, she calls a random number from the phone book and says "Hi, it's Jewel. May I have 5 minutes of your time?"

And suddenly you feel a little bit older.

Is it weird that Uncle here is one of the more formally dressed males in attendance?

"Long story, man. We hitched a ride with a traveling Ren Faire troupe, but our caraven was attacked by roaving hoards of Hot Topic employees."

Is looking everywhere for Miley Cyrus.

It's weird to be on a reality show like 'Big Brother' because you must think that you should be famous enough to avoid events like this alltogether, while meanwhile the event organizer only invited you as a favor to the network exec she's been schtupping.

Tim Riggins, change your shirt.

Now see, this is what country musicians are supposed to look like. But you two need to learn to color coordinate.

has a song called "Rain Is a Good Thing."

Hands off the iCarly star, Rainman.

fulfilled their contractual obligation to show up, hug it out.