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There’s trouble afoot at McKinley High, and no, it’s not the fact that Sue Sylvester now tends to fly into a child-throwing rampage any time anything doesn’t go her demonic way. No, according to Principal Figgins, the problem is giggle juice, the wet devil, ol’ lady hooch and the teen drunks Figgins finds staggering down the halls of his very own school. Since glee club is the least socially respected group in school, why not have them perform an anti-drinking song at the Alcohol Awareness rally? Other than the fact that sweet, life-giving booze is the only thing standing in between most people and a life of dull drudgery, of course.
That’s what I got from the episode, anyway. Seriously, every scene except one made my mouth water for a sip of some of the hard stuff. As his divorce, Emma’s marriage, and his general lack of any identity other than the New Directions finally hits him, Schue found himself ready to turn to the bottom himself. Also…Sue basically admitted to murdering the Oral Fixations coach to steal his job, right? Or rather grievously injuring him by throwing him down two flights of stairs? Since teaching glee is “a sucky job for losers,” Sue explains, she was able to swoop in and snatch the position like a trembling hamster in her talons.
With her gay dads off on a Rosie O’Donnell cruise (seriously, how have we never seen them? They sound amazing), and her life experience so sparse she writes a song about her hairbands, Rachel agrees to throw a slobbedy, bobbedy glee club booze-fest. So begins The Rachel Berry Trainwreck Extravaganza! While the party starts out at a snail’s pace with wine coolers and drink tickets and Rachel’s tragic Carole King knock-off nightgown dress, Puck quickly convinces her to let them raid her dad’s liquor cabinet. New Directions then proceed to have the most fun party of all time.
Seriously, who wouldn’t want to take slow-motion shots to “Like a G6” while Britney dances on the washing machine in a pink bra and Artie makes it rain? No one, that’s who. “It tastes like pink!” a delightfully sloshed Rachel screams as she chugs another wine cooler. Kurt (dressed as a member of Kraftwerk), and Blaine are also in attendance, if only to let Blaine hit on Finn. Kurt’s distress blink across his face, and the plans for future devastation are laid.
When Rachel came to shmoop on Finn’s shoulder about not loving her anymore, he snarls that she’s being a needy drunk. Seriously, can we get a break from this guy’s meaty good looks and quizzically furrowed brow for one episode? Quinn is also moping around now that Sam is locking huge, pillow lips with Santana, despite the fact that she was getting all up on Finn’s face just last episode. Could it be more time for a round of spin the bottle? I had actually forgotten rumors of Blaine’s bisexuality until he leaned forward to kiss Rachel, a super long and tender smooch that causes Kurt’s tiny puppy heart to explode into a million pieces. No! my brain screamed. Not in front of the boy! Blaine and Rachel proceed to duet on “Don’t You Want Me” by the Human League. If you’re going to go there Rachel, you might as well just have sex with him on the coffee table, as far as Kurt’s heart is concerned.
The kids show up to school Monday STILL HUNG-OVER, which, damn! Good thing Artie brought a thermos of Bloody Marys, the smooth tangy taste of which is just perfect for rolling down the hall to “Blame it on the Alcohol” by Jamie Foxx, which segues into a hot little black sequin/red spotlight dance number that made me want a drink like few things in recent memory have. Not exactly ideal for the anti-alcohol rally, Mr. Schue points out, but the kids are so drunk at rehearsal, and therefore so over it.
Over lunch with Coach Beast (who’s meal is a rotisserie chicken)(flawless), Schue admits that maybe the Gleeks are right. He used to get black-out drunk as a teen, and he turned out just fine: a divorced high school Spanish teacher with no social life, an unrequited crush on a colleague and a homicidal cheerleader coach plotting his demise. Beast invites him to her favorite honky-tonk bar, planting the seed in my mind that these two might totally hook up. You never know! I mean, Puck and Lauren Zizes are inching toward love (though a drunk spin-the-bottle seems like a missed opportunity for them to consummate their love); why not Curly and the Beast?
I too wanted a shot through then entire episode. But then I got up and opened beers while watching High Art, so I’m easily suggestible. Good thing I only had booze in the house.