Lines That Won’t Get You Laid: “I Totally Relate To Don Draper”

Wow, really? Constantly you hear guys saying that they want to be as cool as Man Men‘s main character, or that they find themselves totally relating to Jon Hamm‘s boozing, philandering ad guy. Is that supposed to be a turn on? You’re basically telling women “I’m going to be an alcoholic that cheats on you and pushes you around, cares more about work than family, and speaks in monosyllabic sentences.” Er…great.

How come no guy ever says, “I totally related to Pete Campbell,” despite the fact that Pete is younger, does basically the same dirty deeds as Don, and totally got Peggy preggers? In reality, most guys are Pete Campbell, as evidenced by the fact that they say they are Don Draper. Because you know what? That’s something Pete would say, as his lack of self-awareness and man-crush on Don mimics perfectly all those guys who now proudly announce that they’re in sales, and “it’s just like Mad Men.” Cool…we always wanted to meet a guy who thinks gender equality means letting your secretary have the day off after you pat her on the ass.

You know who would never say they related to Don Draper? Guys who are actually like Don Draper. You know, the miserable, tyrannic men who drink and screw to escape their problems, have kids at home they barely see, and are running away from basically every form of commitment. Think that describes you again? Did we mention that Don’s also amazing at his job, has a gift for impassioned rhetoric that can woo clients and women alike, and knows when to keep his mouth shut? You are not Don Draper, and trying to tell us that you will lead to us smiling politely, going home to our friends, and laughing at you.