Stepford Wives and Party Girls on Real Housewives of Orange County

We opened last night’s Real Housewives of Orange County with a beautiful hotel logo. It’s the couple of the year, Gretchen and Slade, going to “Valley Ho” a hotel named after Slade, I mean, a hotel in Arizona that they were going to be luxuriating at even though Slade is “poor.” Gretchen laughs at her own jokes and generally acts like a 13 year old girl.

Gretchen, you already have the boy, you don’t have to pretend his jokes are funny anymore! The grossest point of the episode was not their subsequent sloberring all over each other on the dance floor of a “friend” Gretchen didn’t even seem to really know (but made sure to mention they met at one of her charity events) but their discussion pool side about how much they loved each other and wanted to have kids. Given what we know about Slade and how he treats his children… I hope they’re using protection.

NEXT! Tamra drives over to Jeana’s to make sure she’s coming to the La Perla party because Jeana seems like someone who is very comfortable with her body and is ready to shop for lingerie with a bunch of size 0 women and in front of a camera crew. Jeana’s all “no” and after Tamra tries to get Jeana to talk about why her goddamn husband is still living there, Jeana takes the conversation back to the fight at the St. Regis. Jeana says it was just one phone call, and Tamra says it isn’t, and Tammy Sue is correct. She was also called into court as a witness on the restraining order Gretchen asked for, that’s kind of a lot of involvement from someone you barely know.

We finally get to visit Alexis in Stepford and find she’s a “stay at home mom” with two separate nannies becuase having multiple children is hard, you guys. I’m not one to begrudge anyone any household help, but me thinks “stay at home mom” actually means “stay at the gym, nail salon, and three martini lunch mom.” Or margarita, which is what we see her order with her husband Jim at lunch, who ordered her to keep her voice down in a tone so patronising it made my rage for him increase even more.

She goes to spin class with Gretchen who naturally makes a joke about how sitting on the bike will burn her precious ladyflower and make her unavailable to Slade. Again: we know you have sex. You don’t need to tell us all the time. On the other hand, this is the side of Gretchen that takes naked photos with corded vibrators, so happy to see the REAL her out and about.

The La Perla party was just a boring excuse for product placement, so I’m not even going to discuss it. That Alexis’s husband wouldn’t even let her try anything on in the dressing room with the curtain shut was over the top. Maybe he was trying to hide the fact that he’d branded her underneath her clothes. I wouldn’t be surprised. The only other moment was holy inappopriateness Lynne bringing her 15 year old daughter Alexa and awkwardly asking Alexis if she’d used a surrogate to have her kids. The fawning over Alexis’s body was one of the greatest displays of insecurity I’ve ever witnessed.

Finally, Miss Jeana Keough’s departure. I’m still confused as to why Jeana left when she is so broke. It was nice of the show to have her last big scene with her kids and the interaction with them was fun. I have the feeling that scene was a setup for a possible spin-off, since Jeana’s fond of saying that the Keoughs were the original inspiration for the show. I’m sure they’ll be back.

What did you think of the episode? Are you going to miss Jeana?