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This week on The Real Housewives of Atlanta, the housewives were busy selling their wares and trying to pawn off their baby daddies somewhere else. NeNe Leakes is trying to divorce Gregg, Cynthia Bailey‘s trying to pretend like she doesn’t want to marry her boyfriend, Phaedra Park‘s baby may or may not be her husband’s, and Kim Zolciak. Well, Kim just wants an excuse to talk about Big Poppa.
Through it all, the women have fortified themselves with comfort food, wine spritzers and heart attack inducing Mexican cheese plates. Let’s dig into last night’s episode to see who won our weekly Foodcap review.
Scene: Kandi wants to make Sheree’s hair dresser a staaaarrrrr.
Former Xscape member Kandi wants to write some songs for Sheree’s hairdresser Lawrence. He’s gonna be the “RuPaul of the Next Generation.” I thought that was already Kim’s role. But now there’s some tension, because Kim thinks Lawrence is getting on her turf.
Scene: Kim and Kandi work on Kim’s new song.
Kandi wrote Kim a new song, called “The Ring Didn’t Mean A Thing.” Let’s put it this way: Kim is a little pitchy.
Scene: Phaedra meets with LaTavia Roberson, a founding member of Destiny’s Child
Phaedra seems to think her lawyering skills can create singing careers, so she brings LaTavia Roberson, a member of Destiny’s Child I’ve never heard of, to dangle the carrot of fame in front of her:
“I always seen something in you.”
Great, Phaedra. I’m sure this five minutes on your reality show is going to bring her singing career running back to life. You could of at least offered the woman a little lunch.
Scene: NeNe seeks guidance from Kim. And fails.
This may have to do with all the margaritas they had at lunch. But Kim’s way to help NeNe’s marriage seems to be to order a “heart attack on a plate” and complain about Big Poppa, the married guy she dates. Instead of helping NeNe with her marriage, Kim decides to get NeNe’s advice on her new song. What does that mean? To-gozies of margaritas in Kim’s car!
Scene: Cynthia tries to cook chicken while getting cold feet about her wedding.
Cynthia tries playing housewife, by heating up some leftovers. But it doesn’t seem she can handle that, so her boyfriend Peter takes over. And tells her again that he wants to marry her. Giving Cynthia a chance to get nervous about getting married. Pfft. Model problems.
Scene: Kim has a yard sale
Kim has a lot of stuff in storage. According to NeNe, here’s the rundown:
“Wigs, A dead body. An old Big Poppa. Who knows?”
Her dad is helping with the yard sale, and doesn’t seem to understand that Kim’s furniture is PRICELESS. And Kim doesn’t seem to understand that people don’t want to pay thousands for stuff bought in a parking lot. This exchange that Kim had with her assistant Sweetie, however, was priceless:
Kim:“Could you pour some wine in my coffee cup?”
Sweetie: “…”
Kim: “Did you bring some in the car?”
Sweetie: “…Yeah.”
Wine in a to-go cup at 9A it is, then!
Scene: Burgers and sodas at a place aptly called Burger Shakes Fries
Herein we learn that Phaedra does not believe in natural childbirth:
“I cannot be screaming like a wolf. And pooping on no tables.”
Fair point. Phaedra also does not believe that babies need nine months in the womb to get ready to be born. And is trying to convince the other housewives that she’s having a C-section that week, and is only seven months pregnant. For those of you who don’t know a lot about baby making, taking a baby out at seven months is a little crazytown. But Phaedra is a lawyer. That’s her story and she’s sticking to it. Though this is the result, from NeNe:
“Stop saying that out loud, so people can know how crazy you really are.”
Scene: Kim’s garage sale
Food: Sodas, white wine in a coffee mug, cigarettes
Kim doesn’t like the new song Kandi wrote for her. Well, guess what Kim? Kandi’s going to break it down for you. You can’t sing. Whoops!
Scene: Cynthia and Peter come over to NeNe’s for dinner
Drinks: Pink Moet, and about 6 cases of vodka
What’s that saying about beer before liquor, never sicker? NeNe’s taken it to a new level. Because when you add marital issues and a film crew to the equation, you get a whole new kind of hangover.
Dinner parties at NeNe and Gregg’s don’t seem to have as much food as liquor, and in place of the main course, you get a knock out, drag down fight between the host and hostess. For those of you in need of some guidance, this is the proper way to end a fight with your husband that has ruined a dinner party and embarrassed your children, a la NeNe:
“Where the fuck is my drink at?”
And this week’s Foodcap winner is…. Kim Zolciak.
This week was a tough call, because NeNe is taking alcohol therapy to a new level. But for her dedication to both heart attack food items and to-go drinks, we’re going to crown Kim Zolciak, as today’s winner. Congrats lady! May you find a new Big Poppa in your storage area of unhealthy food items of white wine filled coffee mugs.
