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For fans of the book series, Gossip Girl, Blair’s quick bulimic binge over Thanksgiving wasn’t surprising. But what was surprising was the way that it happened and how it was portrayed.
Throughout the season on TV, Blair’s eating disorder has barely been mentioned – just some catty comments by her mom here and there about her weight. There was no build up to what clearly had been a serious problem. It was almost like it was an afterthought for the writers of the show.
But bulimia and other eating disorders are serious stuff. They aren’t triggered by a comment or two, but by a whole host of issues that can’t be sorted out on an hour long television show.
Don’t worry: I’m not going all Oprah on you. I love Gossip Girl for all of the fun that it is: fashion, music and relationships. But I think to just gloss over Blair’s eating disorder as if it were simply a convenient plot line on Thanksgiving would be a disservice to the viewers. Bulimia isn’t something that you “get” and then put away, only bringing it up to prove a point or to get back at your parents. It is with you for your whole life. How do I know? I was bulimic – I had an eating disorder for a long time.
I’ve been there. I’ve done it. I know how it feels.
I’ll bet you’d never have guessed it to meet me. I, like Blair, have my own persona that I kept up. In fact, unlike Blair, my parents didn’t even know (my closest friends did eventually).
Here is a little bit of my story, based on something that I’ve written before and edited for space:
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If you’ve never had an eating disorder, it is very difficult to explain and have it make sense. It is illogical that somehow who seems to be so together can be so screwed up. After all, I was a straight A student. I was relatively popular at each of my schools. I excelled in extracurricular activities. Other than the fact that I was slightly overweight, you wouldn’t have had a clue that anything at all was wrong. People never would have guessed that I did horrible things to myself. I was a bulimic.
I could not begin to pinpoint who or what caused me to gradually move beyond simply dieting to being destructive… It’s not about blame, so I’ve never really made an effort to figure it out. Maybe it was inherent, an argument that “nature” controls our physiology and our psychology. Or perhaps it was “nurture”, the people in my circle, family and friends, who constantly harped on my weight. But in the end, whatever it was that started it, I manipulated it, I made the decisions and I was the one who ultimately hurt myself.
That said, this is what I do know: My mother put me on my first diet when I was approximately 6 years old. I have a very definite recollection of my aunt calling me names, pet names she thought, but names just the same relating to my weight. My entire family, extended or otherwise, commented on my weight throughout my childhood – even those that were much, much larger than me.
Looking back, it saddens me that I ever internalized those things. I was a cute kid. That isn’t vain, it is true. I did well in pageants, I had boyfriends, I was popular. But I didn’t think about those things. I thought that my family was being honest for my own good so I listened to them. In spades.
As a result, every time I saw a falling star, or every time I blew out birthday candles, or otherwise made a wish, it was the same wish, “I wish I were skinny.” And every night when I went to bed, I prayed, as good Southern Baptist girls did, and I prayed not to be fat. It was the most important thing in the world to me.
Dieting and weight ruled my life as a child. And then, when I entered high school, I switched from simply dieting to being extreme. In the early stages of my eating disorder, I couldn’t force myself to vomit on my own. So I did stuff like drink Pine Sol and Drano to make me throw up. It was easier that way. And yes, it is amazing that I didn’t accidentally kill myself.
At my residential high school, it was easy to learn “secrets.” I learned that I could sleep in multiple layers of clothes so that I would sweat a ridiculous amount. I drank tons and tons of water to fill up so that I wouldn’t eat. I loved to run in my spare time and I started running every morning at school – and then I’d run again later. That same year, I started taking diet pills and drinking ridiculous amounts of diet soda with caffeine to speed up the potential for weight loss.
Ironically, I was still an A student at my competitive high school. I served on council. I headed up a number of special projects for which I received recognition. I was well liked. I didn’t hear or see any of that. I heard that I had a high fat percentage. And I saw that I was not a size 2.
By the time I entered college, I had mastered a number of tricks in an effort to keep my weight down. I knew how to throw up on my own. I knew how to overexercise. I still over-indulged in diet pills. I discovered laxatives (much easier than vomiting). As a freshman, I was on the floor with a number of girls in similar situations, including my friend, Jenny, who was a full blown anorexic. I was so jealous. I wished I had the self-control to not eat ever. But I couldn’t. So I ate and I got rid of the food. It was the second best thing.
It took moving away to grad school before things began to make sense. Maybe it was that I was growing up, maybe that it was that I was away from the external pressures that contributed to my unhealthy obsession with my weight, maybe I was just too damn busy to notice… But I was happy. And I lost weight. And the two were not related, well, not in the way that you’d expect.
I’m not going to lie. It was hard to lose weight and not want to try a little harder. Sometimes when I was on the treadmill, I would start scheduling in my head when I could come back. I didn’t want to eat. I would occasionally pass the diet pills in the store and want to pick some up. But I got better at saying no. I threw away my scale (I have never had one since). I ditched the full length mirror. I tried focusing on me a little more, rather than how others perceived me. It was not easy.
I will always struggle with my weight, I am certain of that. But I am determined to not let it control my life.
When my mother was last up for a visit, she mentioned the “f” word (fat) more than once, directed at herself. My mother, for the record, is not fat. But it made me realize a couple of things. One, my mother’s self esteem is also tied to her weight, and for that, I am sad. Two, I don’t even want my children to hear the “f” word being tossed around so casually. It should not define a person. And to label yourself as a “fat” person ignores all of the other good things that you are, be it smart, funny, talented, athletic, inventive, creative, whatever.
And every time that my mother put me on a diet and every time my father started a sentence with “You’d be such a pretty girl if…”, it destroyed my confidence. It made me think that I was nothing at all if I wasn’t skinny. And that all of the good grades and accolades meant nothing. It literally ate away at my sanity.
I know that I am not “over” my eating disorder nor do I anticipate ever being able to say that it’s completely gone. As much as I am now relatively comfortable in my own skin, I still go through periods when I am dangerously close to slipping back into old habits. My metabolism is forever screwed up from my prior behaviour, so any weight loss is a struggle. I’ll admit that I still sometimes get a thrill when I forget to eat as if I somehow “won”. And when I overeat, I sometimes contemplate what my “options” are. But the thing is, for the most part, now I make the right decisions. I guess I can’t ask for much more.
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With all of that said, I hope that the producers don’t just drop the Blair/bulimia story line or make it a minor character flaw. Because you aren’t cured after a hug from a friend or an apology from your mom. It’s about finding the strength inside of yourself to get better. And a lot of us could learn from that.
I do agree that it was poor judgment of the producers to trivialize such a serious issue. Any time a girl looks in the mirror and see only ‘fat’, it’s a serious issue.
I have always struggled with my weight and how to deal with it. My mother let me indulge in anything I wanted when I was a kid because she felt guilty over being a working single mom. And I didn’t know any better. I have always struggled since then with self image, even though any poor eating habits were discarded years ago.
I don’t think anyone with a healthy lifestyle should have to worry about diets. With so much media pressure to be thin, being healthy is hardly a consideration if it doesn’t come with being the ideal weight. So I agree – the show should follow through this serious issue. It has a responsibility to.
I thought they did a good job with it actually. It came organically. What made it more convincing was that it wasn’t about Blair feeling fat; it was about her trying to regain control of her life and her binging and purging was the only way she could think of at that moment. It didn’t go afterschool special on the viewers, but they definitely didn’t gloss over or trivialize it because from the beginning there have been hints and I think this was the episode to introduce it due to the contrast between last year and this year’s. I think there’s still a lot of potential to go in depth.
You’re right in that bulimia is more about control than weight. But weight is definitely part of Blair’s issue – especially in the books. Her mother constantly harps on her about her weight and being skinny and pretty is part of Blair’s “thing” – she is trying to be perfect.
I don’t want the show to become all about this episode, for sure. But I also don’t want them to forget about it. I think that themes of insecurity and control issues are universal no matter what your age or demographic.
I hate how it was portrayed in the books. It felt glamorized and mocked. There were no consequences for her behavior… the show can’t approach it like that.
I definitely agree that her bulimia also stems from self-image issues and seeing how her mother is aware of the problem but basically dared her to eat any of the desserts was heartbreaking. It could be a subconscious thing her mother does–which doesn’t absolved her behavior at all. But there’s still a lot of questions to be answered which is why I think they’ve barely touched the issue. They’ve just introduced it.
Oh and I forgot to thank you for sharing your experience. As a girl I most definitely suffer with my self image, but I’ve never taken that path so I probably won’t understand it but I also deal with it in other unfortunate ways.
Anyway, keep up with the great work.
I struggled with bulemia as well, and I understand exactly how you feel about Blair’s bulemia.
I wrote an essay very similar to yours once. Reading yours just made me cry, though. Living through this stuff is tough. Thanks for sharing your experiences.
I am glad to have the opportunity to have shared. Those of us who struggle with some sort of demons – no matter what they are – know how hard it is to let go.
I, personally, have always struggled with my weight. I’ve never had the comments that put me down, I’ve always put myself down. And I hate it. I’m slowly getting better- telling myself good things about me to counter the bad. It’s hard to concentrate on the good things, sometimes. But they always make me feel better.
Thanks for sharing your story. I really enjoyed it.
I agree fully with the way it was put in being inapropriate. Though there is only 2 more episodes i would like it not to be dropped. Also what you wrote about yourself was really an eyeopener for me.
Personally, I have struggled with bulimia for the past year and depression for even longer. It started with hating my looks, which eventually led to suicide attempts and restrictive eating–which led to me caving in and turning to binge eating. Even now, I’m still constantly starving myself by day and then binging by night. I’ve been in exercising rooms for ridiculous amounts of time, hoping that maybe it will be enough to redeem what has become of my life. All this and I’m not even in high school yet.
I definitely agree with you. It’s pretty sad how they would just throw something there and not let it develop–somehow, I’m actually really concerned about Blair. It’s pretty messed up how this show normalizes–if not glamorizes–this disease. They’ve already communicated the fact that no girl who is suffering is alone, but they have yet to say that there is hope.
Thanks for sharing your story. I was getting teary-eyed as I read it.
Gosh, Jenny, your story made ME get teary-eyed. I hope that you have someone to talk to. I know that I felt MUCH better once I could articulate what I was going through to someone who wouldn’t judge me.
Katie, I think we are usually our own worst critics and that’s sad. It’s hard to focus on the good things in our lives but that’s a crucial part of being healthy.
my story sounds similar to yours but im 16 and still in the depths of my bulimia. i really hope GG does more on blair’s bulimia to really show how devastating an issue it really is to her so that they dont joke aboutpeople puking up their food as a means for weight control before prom y’know. anorexics people seem to like envy in a way because of their control but bulimics are seen as disgusting, i think gossip girl could do a good job of portraying a different side to the disorder so that watchers can gain insight and be offput by it rather than want to do it. because lets face it most programmes that deal with it its have dinner throw it up, splash your face- weight loss. it doesn’t show the mental trauma and addictive nature of it and the escalation from throwing up small amounts of food to huge binges.
I didn’t start forcing my self to throw up because I wanted to lose weight, at first I did it to get out of school. I am a straight A student with out trying and loathe having to attend school. In middle school my parents told me the only way I could stay home was if I was puking. I got so good at it that now I can make myself throw up without sticking anything down my throat or gagging myself like I used to. After the first time I did it all I could think of was how easy it was. Then I started letting my mother’s comments get to me, and my fathers as well. I always had low self esteem and am in no way shape or form “skinny”. I am 15 and have never had a boyfriend, a fact I am convinced is because I am too fat for anyone to like. I had the will power to quit last year until I told I guy I really liked that I liked him, he told me he liked me to, then he started going out with a prettier girl. I know it is stupid to hurt myself over a guy, but I honestly believe him when he says he likes me– he likes me on the inside and if I was prettier on the outside then he’d be happy. I haven’t been able to quit yet.
So i envy you for being able to have the control not to do this.
I hope one day I can too..