Wake up with Snarky – Monday morning edition

See that vintage care bear? That’s pretty much my mood right now – not for any particular reason, mind you, just simply feeling like I’m probably going to go completely mental on someone today. Who WILL that lucky person be? Should I draw names from a hat?

Anyway, let’s get to the gossip, and hopefully by the end I’ll be feeling better about the day. Well, or worse – in that case, I’ll probably just go back to bed in order to avoid inflicting injury on some poor unsuspecting family member. First, has Heidi Klum lost her everlovin’ mind?

Heidi Klum Wants Britney To Move In With Her and Seal

So Heidi Klum has publicly offered for Little Miss Trainwreck to come and move in with her and Seal and the three rugrats, because she feels sorry for her and the person she’s become, so much potential wasted, blah blah blah MAKE ME SICK.

Okay, so two things. First, Seal needs to get Heidi’s ass on some kind of drugs STAT because she’s obviously on the verge of a mental breakdown for her to even CONSIDER allowing this person near her kids. Second, that’s pretty much it. I don’t know what’s going through her Victoria’s Secret thong, honestly. – source

Next, further proof (as if we needed it) that Johnny Knoxville is a serious, world-class, dumbass.

Johnny Knoxville Has Managed to Finally Blow Up His Boy Parts

Let’s hear what Johnny boy has to say about this, shall we?

Just got back from Oklahoma where I was shooting “Mat Hoffman’s tribute to Evel Knievel.” Had a ball, too, even though I almost lost my own balls in the process. Don’t want to give too much away because the tribute airs Feb 23rd on MTV, but let’s just say before letting Travis Pastrana teach me how to do a backflip on a motorcycle I should have had him teach me to ride one first. Heh-heh…bad for me, good for our viewing audience at home. Have to go now. Have to empty the piss bag on my leg that I have to wear for the next two weeks until my torn urethra heals. Ouch, and see you on the 23rd. By the way, lots of great stuff in the Evel Knievel tribute besides my trip to the hospital–lots!
–Johnny Knoxville

– source

Um, ow? I’m kind of cringing just thinking about a torn urethra, honestly. I’d feel sorry for the guy except he sort of brings this stuff on himself, you know?

Next: Heather Mills has won the freaking lottery, yall.

Paul McCartney Gets Royally Screwed in Divorce Settlement

So Heather Mills walked away from divorce court this week with a record $100 million settlement from Paul McCartney. The news release said that “She could not contain her joy as she walked from the High Court in London smiling broadly yesterday.” LOL yeah I BET!!!!!! I would probably doing something like this: