Why does Gwyneth Paltrow feel the need to tell us about her bowel movements?

If you’ve ever wanted to know exactly, in grim and gruesome detail, how Gwyneth Paltrow cleans out her poop chutes, well, today is your lucky day! Gwynnie sends us all her love along with regular missives through her GOOP newsletter, which is aptly named since all she talks about is her digestive system. Seriously. SHE REALLY DOES. Boy, she must be a great ice breaker at parties, right? “So what have you been doing lately, Gwyneth?” “Oh, I’ve been stripping my lower intestines of all fecal matter, how ’bout you?” Uh huh.

In Gwyneth’s latest newsletter, she talks about a liquid cleansing regimen she inflicted on herself, because, you know, we all deserve to hear what her bowels are doing, plus, she SO OBVIOUSLY needs to lose weight.

>>>crickets chirping<<<<

Here’s what I want to know: If you are already freakishly skinny because you don’t eat, what exactly are you cleansing yourself of? Sweet buttered Moses, is this how she thinks she’s staying relevant? What’s next: her menstrual cycle details complete with clot size, a blow by blow replay of her latest bikini wax?

Hey! I’ve got an idea for Gwynnie’s next newsletter: “How to Cleanse Yourself of Gwyneth Paltrow – We Promise, No Pooping Involved!”

image: Newscom