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Mommas, don’t let your daughters grow up to have low self-esteem, insane amounts of plastic surgery, and a controlling husband. You’d think that this advice would come naturally, and yet somehow Heidi Montag exists in our collective cultural consciousness. Even worse, she’s replicating: Ever since Heidi “split” from Spencer Pratt, her new BFF Jen Bunney (with whom the Hills star is currently hiding out posing for pap pictures with) has started to resemble her more famous counterpart (much in the way that Heidi slowly morphed into the perfect beach bunny that she saw in her former friend Lauren Conrad). It’s a horrible cycle people, and one that may not just be limited to reality television. With that in mind, here are Crushable’s crash course in not becoming the Heidi of your friend circle.
- Don’t let a man come between you and your friends
Hoes before bros, yo. Not that LC was the best example of a “good” friend, but her reservations about Spencer all ultimately turned out to be true, didn’t they? Heidi’s desperation to find someone to love – and her willingness to cut herself off from friends and family to be with him – was a symptom of a deeper, underlying issue of crippling self-loathing. - Don’t change for anybody
Heidi’s instance that her bazillion operations to turn her into a human Barbie made her happier is B.S. Anyone who saw this season’s premiere where she returns home and talks about her jaw bone being shaved has to think to themselves, “That’s really what you needed in order to feel ‘more like yourself?’” It wasn’t just that Spencer may have pressured her into the surgeries, or that the media rewarded her life-threatening cosmetic decisions by giving her magazine covers and tons of press. It’s that ultimately Heidi is accountable for her own actions, and the sad fact that she’d put herself in harms way to get attention from anyone, anyone at all is not the way to climb the social (or celebrity) ladder. It comes off as pathetic and somewhat terrifying, especially when you start listening to Ryan Seacrest for your boob advice. - Honor thy mother and stepfather
Given the choice between her boyfriend and her family, Heidi chose her boyfriend. She even went so far as to not tell her mother about the wedding. And then she has the balls to go home after drastic plastic surgery and get mad when her mom starts to cry. Sorry Heidi, sometimes parents know best, and if you’re not going to listen to them the least you could do is not demand that they accept the “new you” when you’ve cut them out of your life completely. So…don’t do that. - Don’t be a social-climber
As much as she loved Spencer, Heidi left him to work on her own reality show? Really? Out of all the reasons to leave that guy? While we applaud the end result, the fact that you trust reality producers to be there for you over the only person you have left in your life is a bad sign, don’t you think? - Don’t try to be the bad guy
Look, we’ve all had our share of Mean Girl moments. But revenge is a dish best served cold…or if you’re being followed by camera crews, not at all. While you never really fit the villain role quite the way the producers wanted, you allowed yourself to get swept up in all the cold-shouldering and back-stabbing. Ladies, no matter how much your husband’s sister pisses him off, no matter how angry you are at your best friend, no matter who you think said what to whom…don’t think that you can gain popularity by attaching yourself to a Machiavellian monster. Especially when underneath it all, we can sort of tell that you’re a nice – if totally confused – girl from Colorado. Which makes the cautionary tale of Heidi Montag all the more sad.
(Image via Getty)
