5 Ways To Survive Both Horror Movies And High School

We were so impressed by Meredith O’Hayre‘s The Scream Queen Survival Guide to making it out of horror movies alive that we decided to ring up the savvy heroine ourselves and ask for pointers — you know, just in case it turns out our awesomely cheap apartment turns out to have been built on top of an Indian burial ground. (Yes, this can happen. Even in Brooklyn.)

But the more we gabbed about how to escape from ghosts, psychopaths, and generally unstable baddies with meat cleavers, the more we realized Meredith’s advice worked just as well for everyday life as it does for finding yourself in the middle of a creepy hotel with only Jack Nicholson and his imaginary friends to keep you company. Such as:

1. “If you have a crazy family…start taking your Zoloft”: Most horror movie villains had bad childhoods, crappy parents, or a traumatizing high school experience involving pig’s blood. And if you have to pay for the sin’s of your parents/ancestors, you’re pretty much screwed anyway (thanks, Elm Street parents!). How different would Michael Meyers be if his parents put him on prenatal Prozac?

2. “Never go on a road trip with all your crazy, drunken friends“: It may seem like a “final epic journey before we go to college!” is a good idea, but chances are that even without a demented hook-hand man or a Blair Witch Style-camping fiasco, you’ll end up getting lost and driving each other crazy in such tight quarters. Maybe even a little too crazy…

3. “Toe the line between social isolation and going to every party”: Meredith mentions that killers are like lions: they pick off those who shy away from the herd. Then again, killers also HATE kids having fun (doing drugs, drinking, or having sex), especially in large groups. And at a party with music blaring, it’ll be hard to notice when your friends start going missing. On the other hand, being home alone isn’t too smart either. We suggest: starting a book club, or involving yourself in community organizing. Just make sure you don’t put the Necronomicon on your reading list, and your town doesn’t happen to be directly over a Hellmouth (or in Maine).

4. “Research your boyfriend”: Google is your friend! If that new, handsome guy in town takes a sudden interest in you despite your unpopular status at school, maybe you want to do a slight background check. Just don’t to the library and take out microfiche to look at newspapers from 20 years ago, because who even does that anymore? He may be a psycho recently escaped from the nearby mental institution, or he might be an asshole who you find out via Facebook slept with everyone at his old school. Either way, better safe than sorry!

5. “Blowjobs count”: Both as a sexual act that will get you killed, and as a way to get a nasty STD. Don’t think that going to 3rd base keeps you safe from killers or chlamydia.

Meredith O’Hayre is a managing editor at Adams Media, where she has a tendency to not follow her own advice and do things like babysit in cemeteries and breaking and entering abandoned insane asylums. We want to be her best friend.