Am I Right Ladies? Dust Off Your Daddy Issues

My dad’s favorite smoke came from the grill. He’d stand over that thing for hours just staring. And he used to put chewing tobacco on his toast for breakfast. Sometimes I think this is where my unhealthy eating habits come from, but then I realize I would never put tobacco on my Bacon, Egg and Toaster Streudel sandwich. Sorry, therapist, not gonna crack this nut today. Speaking of nuts, I think I have a bag of chocolate-covered ones melting in my purse right now.

If I gave this gift to my father, it would take him less than two seconds to point out that with only three colors, the gift set hardly comes through “flying.” Which is why I bought it for him. I give my dad the gift of making me feel small – and I get to feel small for the first time in years. Now that’s what I call a Win-Win, amirightpaulgiamatti?

For Father’s Day this year give dad the greatest gift of all: an exit strategy.

If I had a Father’s DATE, I definitely wouldn’t forget it, amirightladies? That may sound wrong, but so does me being single on Father’s Day.

Here’s to the original deadbeat dad: the tomcat. Sometimes I think my cat Rhoda has more abandonment issues than I do! I mean I’m not kitting (Gailed it), I hooked up a live camera feed of myself at work just so she won’t try and drown herself in the toilet again.

And every other day it’s called alcoholism. Which is why I’m thankful the only thing my dad was ever addicted to was Coke.

Puppppppppppppppppies…

… are another thing my daddy never got me.

Treat him right on Father’s Day with Old Golds, treat him for emphysema/lung cancer/pneumonia/whoopingcough/blamingyou forever.