Am I Right Ladies? Hell Is Bikini Season

I know what you’re thinking: $4.95 for a bikini top is criminally cheap. But the price of the bikini bottoms will put you out of house and home – or, in my case, rented place and emotional prison. There’s always a rub. Too bad it’s never on your back from a hot Swedish masseuse, amirightladies?

Sorry H & M, your photoshop voodoo may be everywhere right now, but I’m not buying it.

Of course Victoria’s Secret would make a bikini so sexy it doesn’t even come with a bottom! Seems like it would be pretty inconvenient to always have to be halfway submerged underwater in public- but then again, even in a full bathing suit I have to say submerged up to my neck for the sake of decency to the public.

This picture looks like something I’d find under my non-boyfriend’s mattress, not an ad that is speaking directly to me. God, is a boyfriend just too much to ask for? Because that’s what it feels like at this point.

She’s looking straight at the camera as if to say “Help me, I’ve been lying in the sun for 5 hours now and I think I have sunstroke. I’m too weak to move. Also, my stomach hurts. I think it’s gas. Shouldn’t have eaten the brie that had been sitting in the sun on the craft services table all morning. But who can resist brie even if it might be slightly spoilt? Honestly. And all these shirtless men can do is stare at me. Won’t somebody help?” I hear you, sister. Well, minus the shirtless men staring at me part. Obviously.

I think she’s dead.

Can you imagine how much sand is in her crotch right now? This is how I make myself feel better about myself while looking at this picture. It’s not working.

I’m not even sure if this is for real or if a designer at Speedo watched the Fifth Element one too many times- I say watching one times is already too many, amirightladies? But what the Milla Jovovich is going on here? How could you possibly safely do a cannon ball in either of these bikinis? You can’t.

Just like a gave up my dreams of being a speed skater years ago, so too do I give up on this one-piece. Unless I have to remind you of my sausage casing thing.

Yeah, no.