Crushable’s Cat Lady: Sext Got Your Tongue?

At Crushable, we think you can learn valuable lessons from both good and bad examples. That’s why our friend Esther has started to give us love advice, whether we want it or not. Enjoy!

I said that I would answer your questions, dear readers. But that means that you have to send them to me! And so far, I’ve found this electronic correspondence to be more trouble than it’s worth.

First of all, my editors said that my computer was too slow and old for a high-prestige columnist such as myself. I told them that if it ain’t broke since 1997, they I don’t have to fix it, and that I’m a prime example of how slow and old can lead to surprisingly good results. Too busy stuffing their ears full of streaming iPads or something like that, they told me I need a new laptop. But the only things that come on top of my lap are my cats – Wooley, Didums, Fred – along with the more promising of my gentleman callers.

Besides, I don’t need a silly new laptop to receive e-cards. So, I’m working away at my trusty old computer, but I’m still not getting any questions from you young people. Sure, I’m getting all sorts of boring all-text messages, but I’m sorry – that’s not how I roll. In the cold, cold world of cyberspace, I firmly believe in the necessity of adding warmth and cheer to communications. That’s why I communicate exclusively by e-card. Nothing brightens up a day like an animated picture of dancing kittens!

My little nephew, Henry, showed me how to send e-cards, and so naturally I turn to him as a technological expert with most of my cyber needs. Like last week, when I overheard a conversation in the pet shop. I was minding my own business, buying some de-worming pills (the bottle says that they’re for animal use only, but I’m a firm believer in off label usages), when a young lady nearby started wailing to her friend, “Oh no! I accidently sent that last sext to my mom instead of my boyfriend! She’ll kill me if she knows I’ve been sexting – what should I do?!?”

Since I haven’t been getting any questions from you, readers, I decided to answer this plea for advice. First I had to ask Henry what this “sexting” thing was. I figured that it was technical, because the young lady was waving around her cell phone. In the e-card Henry sent back to me (with a picture of a polar bear cub – he doesn’t yet appreciate cats as he should), he said “I asked Teddie because he’s the biggest and he said it was sex plus texting and I said what’s sex and he said I was stooopid. What’s sex aunt Esther?”

Well, I’ll address the definition of sex next week, but as for now: sex plus texting? Pshaw. Clearly that doesn’t exist. And if it doesn’t exist, how can your mother be mad, young lady in the pet shop? Buy yourself a kitten and stop worrying about nonexistent problems.

So, readers – I keep checking and checking for new e-cards, and you know that I must be dedicated to writing this column if I have to miss my conversations with my telephone psychic while I’m waiting for my dial-up to load. Didums is having some stomach problems, and only Miss Tansy can predict whether I should give him some of my Metamucil or my ExLax.

Next week: What’s sex? Cat Lady says: Quit tomcatting around.

Do you have a question for Crushable’s Cat Lady? Send it to tips(at)crushable.com, with “Cat Lady” in the subject line.