Crushable Books: ‘Dealbreaker’ Reenacted by Celebrities

When they wouldn't let us into Disneyland because they claimed you were banned for life, that's when I knew something was wrong. I mean really, who tries to deal coke while waiting in line at Space Mountain? Bad people, that's who.

Your tits are a mess.

Take your ladies' denim, "guyliner", and silky smooth skin (seriously how do you get your skin so silky smooth?) and hit the road. Besides, I'm pretty sure this term more accurately describes your tendency to give handjobs on the subway.

"You seemed really stressed lately and my friend Giovanni says that's totally curable. Can I borrow $15,000? Also, do you believe in aliens?"

Look, we've tried everything, but you are not Mark Ruffalo. You're a really great guy, but you'll never be the star of such films as Zodiac an The Brothers Bloom, and you'll never be as mumbly or handsome. I'm sorry, but I guess you can't count on me. Please leave.