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“…and breathe out,” Amber Portwood opened her eyes and looked at her yoga instructor. She had finally found her chi centered, after hours of practicing her meditation technique. After just several sessions in the hatha yoga studio, she no longer wanted to hit her boyfriend Gary Shirley in the face so badly. At least, she felt less of a desire to do so in front of her baby daughter Leah, which was a good start. Now whenever she felt an attack of “the angries” coming on, Amber practiced her pranayama, counted to 10, and then told Gary to wait for her down in her newly-converted basement/punching room.
The Teen Mom star felt herself getting healthier every day: physically, mentally, and spiritually. She also didn’t mind watching the cute butt of her instructor as he helped the class opened their chakras. Amber knew one chakra she wanted to open for this yogi. Suddenly, a voice pierced through the air:
“You Know What Helps With Being Angry Even More Than Yoga? Getting Pregnant On Television.”
“Oh no,” thought Amber, “It’s Markai Durham, the recent star of 16 and Pregnant, and my mortal enemy.” Every since Markai had appeared on the MTV show and hit her own boyfriend, James, Amber had felt her own star fading. Paparazzi from TMZ and Radar weren’t camping outside of her Indiana home, and Dr. Drew wasn’t returning her phone calls anymore about appearing on his new anger management show.
Markai set her mat down next to Amber and grinned, “Hey Amber, What’s Up? I Heard You Were In This Class.”
“Shh!” hushed Amber, trying to focus her inner eye on a peaceful scene, like a burbling brook or a tanning salon. “Stop yelling in capital letters. Why do you even do that?”
“No, I Totally Get It. Yoga Totally Comes From An Emotional And Touching Place, Much Like My Reasons For Hitting My Boyfriend, Which Are Not At All Like Your Reasons, Amber.” Markai switched positions and faced Mecca, “Life Is Not All Honey And Roses, You Know.”
Amber gritted her teeth, feeling the weeks of stress-free living melting away before her eyes like ice-cream that has fallen on a pavement that you still consider eating, maybe, because what are you, made of money? For the first time all month, she had a strong desire to lash out, grab za’karia‘s mom’s hair, and pull it out in chunks. But she didn’t. She was a new woman, one who did not engage in violence, one who found peace in the calming downward dog position, one who….
“Aw fuck it,” thought Amber, and started jabbing Markai with quick punches she had learned in her fancy boxing class. Markai grabbed Amber’s yoga leotard (gross) and started choking her. Quickly, the other students moved out of the way as the two reality stars started cat-fighting in the studio. It didn’t take long before the cameras showed up and started snapping pics. Amber knew what tomorrow’s headline would read: “Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant Star Go Nuts In Yoga Studio!” She smiled to herself even as she felt Markai’s nails claw into her shoulder, drawing first blood. She was back on top.
