Fan Fiction: Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s Kids’ Tutor Application

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are on the lookout for a tutor to teach their two kids, Apple and Moses. But not just any instructor will do for this pair of GOOPers. Oh no, Gwyn and Chris are looking for someone who — no joke — is fluent in Greek, Latin, French and Spanish, can play two instruments, and loves sailing and tennis. Additionally, they’re hoping for someone Oxbridge trained. Sound pretty high fallutin’? You don’t know the half of it. We got our hands on the rest of the Paltrow/Martin family’s job posting:

TEACH:

Are you a young genius with a gift for instructing children? Are you attractive and athletic? Is your I.Q. almost as high as the waist of your premium denim pants? Do you love eating pizza from your backyard wood-burning oven? Then this job may be for you.

Applicant requirements:

• Must be fluent in ancient Greek, Latin, French and Spanish. Must not be fluent in Pig Latin.

• Must be a poet laureate and be able to rhyme words with “orange.”

• Must be able to run a four-minute mile.

• Must hold a Guinness Record.

• Must be able to distinguish between a Camembert and a Brie with a single whiff.

• Must have finished Infinite Jest.

• Must prefer San Pellegrino to Perrier.

• How are your Rubik’s Cube skills? Must be able to complete them the traditional way and the way that’s most aesthetically pleasing.

• Must understand the physics ideas Daniel Faraday was talking about on LOST.

• Must be credited with having invented a theorem.

• Must have a gluten allergy.

• Must be able to beat Angry Birds level 4-14.

• Must have read and have opinions about that one New Yorker article.

• Must look good in seersucker.

• Must be able to dance the Charleston.

• Who’s your favorite member of the Algonquin Round Table? Must not be Harpo Marx.

• Must love hypoallergenic dogs.

• Must have revolutionary ideas about how to make tote bags more sustainable.

• Must understand credit default swaps.

• Are you a model? You look like you’re a model.

• Must be royalty.

• Must have cured cancer.

• Must be good with children.