Fan Fiction: Moses Paltrow Martin’s Bar Mitzvah

Gwyneth Paltrow recently expressed her intention to raise her two children up all Jewish and stuff. Mazel tov! This decision is evidently the result of some things Gwyn found out after appearing on the celeb family tree show Who Do You Think You Are? (reality TV’s how most spiritual awakenings come to pass, right?), where GP learned she’s descended from a long line of rabbis. Handsome, blonde rabbis, we assume. Although Gwyneth has described herself as Spiritual But Not Religious ™, she’s apparently decided to embrace the faith for the sake of Moses and Apple (has Apple’s middle named been changed to Honey yet?).

And hey, lucky us, we managed to get our hands on GP’s plan for son Moses’ bar mitzvah:

COME OF AGE:

Theme: Instead of something prosaic like a baseball theme or a Hollywood theme, I’ve decided to use the essence of Moses himself and set up the decor based on a “parting of the Red Sea” theme. The banquet hall (we’ll probably use our own banquet hall) will be split down the middle, with the dance floor (note: I found a dance floor that actually dances for you, which also has cardio benefits) arranged to take up the center aisle. I’ve exhumed Charlton Heston’s corpse, and it will serve as the centerpiece at our family’s table.

Food: I plan to do all the cooking for this event, with just a tiny bit of help from some of my friends including Wolfgang Puck, Anthony Bourdain, Mario Batali, Tom Colicchio and Chef Boyardee. I intend to make traditional Jewish food but with a fresh, modern twist. I’ll start with a nice, refreshing matzoh ball gazpacho. Next up will be a tofu and sea salt concoction I’m calling “vegan gefilte fish.” The main course will be bagels cooked in my Backyard Wood Burning Oven™, and I’ve also arranged for Cristal and Manischewitz to team up and create a unique cocktail just for us.

Music: Even though this is a celebration of Judaism, our family knows that it’s important to respect all kinds of religions. As such, I’ve decided to have a performance of live music from several different nations. We’ll begin the program with a horn player from Morocco and a flutist from India who will synthesize Arabic music and Hindu music (this idea was inspired by a chickpea-based dish I created that used both Moroccan and Indian spices in perfect harmony) into a single beautiful sound. Next, a Japanese group will play traditional Shinto songs on traditional Shinto instruments, and then we’ll be granted a drum-based performance that will represent the ethnic African religions. Following that, Fairuza Balk has agreed to lead the children in a Wiccan chant. And I suspect the kids will want to do some regular old dancing as well, so we’ll have Samantha Ronson on hand to play a set. She’s a Jew, in fact.

Gift Bags: My initial plan was to gift each guest a a bag full of Jewish-themed goodies. I’d planned to commission celebrity jewelry designer Waris Ahluwalia to create Star of David pendants made of rubies. I’m also partial to a particular brand of horseradish aioli that’s a total steal at only $65 a jar, so i thought I throw four or five of those into each bag. And Harvey Weinsten was going to offer a pound of flesh to be split amongst the guests. However, instead I decided the right thing to do was to make donations in my guests’ names to my favorite Jewish charity — an exceptionally wonderful organization that makes stylish hair snoods from the finest imported silk.