5 Reasons I Would Totally Date Charlie Sheen

I never paid much attention to Kiefer Sutherland until he drunkenly threw himself into a Christmas tree after someone called him a pirate. And when he broke Proenza Schouler designer’s Jack McCollough’s nose, I loved him even more. I don’t advocate violence in any way, but I guess I like people who are a wee bit off their rocker. And who’s more adorably off his rocker than Charlie Sheen?

I’ve never watched Two and Half Men, and I can’t say that I’ve ever found him an extraordinary actor (yes, we all loved him for those five minutes in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, but still). When he surfaced as one of Heidi Fleiss’ top clients, I was intrigued. How a man with so much money, and relatively good looking, would have such a strong desire for prostitutes, I just couldn’t understand…  I’m sure thousands of women were willing to hit that, and he wouldn’t even have to pay for it. Like the rest of the world, I’ve watched Charlie Sheen these last couple weeks as layer after layer of his craziness is revealed, and I have to say – I’m smitten. I could quote Jack Kerouac and say “the only people for me are the mad ones…” but that doesn’t seem quite accurate in this context. Charlie Sheen transcends madness, he’s on a plane that none of us can even comprehend, and to use his words, “a total frickin’ rock star from Mars.” Charlie Sheen is a radical winner, and I’d love to date him. Here’s why:

1. Charlie is a poet. I usually steer clear of writers, but in this case, I want to wrap myself in Charlie’s words like a blanket and settle in next to a warm fire. Metaphor after metaphor rolls off his tongue. He’s a passionate F-18, he has tiger blood, he equates himself to a drug and even hints at possibly being an extraterrestrial. Oh, to be a woman who receives one of his many epic poems scrawled on the back of a torn beer label and sprinkled with dust of all those 7-gram rocks of his.
2. Charlie respects women. I don’t know the last time you were called a goddess, but I, for one, have never been labeled such a thing. I long for the day that someone calls me “Mandy Goddess of My Dreams,” but unless I can lure Charlie into my clutches, I just don’t see that day happening anytime soon.
3. Charlie’s a family man. Yes, he does have a few divorces under his belt, but the fact of the matter is that he doesn’t give up! Charlie doesn’t let a failed marriage deter him from creating a new life with a new family, he tries and tries again. This is not only a sign of a true family man, but a resilient one at that.
4. Charlie is optimistic. In a world with so much suffering, it’s difficult to keep your eye on the ball and move forward with grace and dignity. Despite the chaos that surrounds, his battle with CBS and this cruel, unforgiving world, Charlie keeps his head up. He’s victorious “on every front,” and most importantly, he’s a “winner.” While the rest of us are just merely getting by, Charlie is “bi-winning,” and a true lesson can be learned from his positive outlook and approach to life.
5. Charlie knows how to have fun. When my mother used to call me a “good time Charlie,” I never really realized that it was actually in reference to Charlie Sheen. Are there any other Charlies with whom we should be concerned? No. Charlie parties like a fucking rock star. It’s “epic.” He makes all his party-hardy predecessors look like “droopy-eyed armless children.” I’ve never seen a droopy-eyed armless child, but if Charlie mentions it, I know it exists and I know it’s a bad thing to be.

My mother spent her life warning me about boys like Charlie Sheen, but I say bollocks. How boring would the world be without them? We need the Charlies and Kiefers of the world to remind us we only come around this way once… and any true rock star will tell you it’s better to burn out than fade away. So in my Sunday’s best, I have my speed set to “go!” and will be waiting on my couch for Charlie to come knocking on my door.