Bed Bugs And Bail Money: The Dating Life of A 20-Something

Wow. 30-something women sure do spend a lot of money on dating. According to Doree Shafrir’s “case study” on Bundle.com, an average Carrie Bradshaw type spends $5,648 on just one year of husband hunting before she even leaves her fancy house. When I first saw this, I was all, “OMG. That lady spent $562 beautifying a part of her body no straight man without a foot fetish even glances at? Balderdash! And who are these ‘urban professional’ people in their ‘thirties’ who ‘take taxis’ all willy-nilly like they are made of diamonds?”

But then I thought about it some more, and realized us pinwheel-eyed girls in our 20s burn mad scratch in pursuit of love and dick, too. It’s just that instead of burning it on cabs and “snacks for entertaining,” we burn it following some next-level sexual trends our parents haven’t even heard of yet. So here you have it: a typical dating year for an NYC (but probably Brooklyn) dwelling female in her early-to-mid 20s who goes on approximately one date* every two weeks, and who may or may not resemble anyone I know. It’s slightly cheaper than the amount of cash 30-something females spend on dating. But you’ll make up for that in bruised self-esteem, don’t worry.

*(“Date” here is being loosely defined as hanging out one-on-one with a male whose genitals may  come in contact with said female.)

Dating Expense Breakdown 2010

Ok cupid + basic Nerve personals membership: $0
Hanging around bars, shows and house parties in the hopes of meeting babes: $2080
Vajazzling: $100
Emergency contraception: $50 X two fuck-ups = $100
Comprehensive STD testing (uninsured patient): $100 X two fuck-ups + one more just to be safe = $300
Finding out you don’t have AIDS: priceless
One-week course of penicillin (uninsured patient): $24
Forties (for drinking in the park/under bridges like an alcoholic troll): $90
Four Loko: $12 (never again)
Open container tickets: $50
Bailing your date, who didn’t pay his last ticket, out of jail: $500 ($0 if he pays you back. He might!)
Gatorade and saltines: $100
Ibuprofen (economy size bottle): $25.99
Going Dutch: $20 X two actual dinner dates = $40
Ingredients for cooking dinner: $25 X one attempt = $25
Tickets to witch house concerts: $30
Paying your date’s bar tab when he realizes he’s out of cash and only has $28 left in his bank account and he wants you to know he is not usually this lame but could you be a totally rad girl and help him out, please, just this once? : $30
Covergirl LASHBLAST volume blasting mascara: $8

Elaine Benes floral-print dress from the Goodwill: $5
Nifty sneakers: $100
Two high quality, boil-able silicone strap-ons for pegging (one novice, one advanced): $150
Condoms and lube: $100
Poppers (not the jalapeno kind): $50
Late night slices of pizza: $200 ($400 if vegan)
Jeggings: $20
One nice-ish bra and underwear set: $50
The fancy kind of hard cider you get at Whole Foods, which you give to your unemployed stylist friend in exchange for cutting your hair for the year: $100
Hair dye (semi-permanent): $50
Drugs (cocaine): $500
Drugs (marijuana): $200
Drugs (other): $100
Xanax (non-prescription): $200
“Sexy” lower back tattoo of a tribal butterfly: $80
“Cool” cover-up tattoo of a unicorn and/or cephalopod: $320 (with tip)
Apology gift for your roommate after the blackout drunk person you brought home bursts into her room, tackled her cat, and puked  all over the bathroom floor such that she had to clean it up a few hours later, right before she left for work: $25
Bed bug fumigation: $1,000
Franzia, cigarettes, Easy Mac, misc. comfort foods found in bodegas: $500
Cat adoption fee: $100
Cat food, cat litter, vet bills: $600
A lifetime of therapy: $0-infinity, depending how long you live and whether scientists find a way to cheat death.

Total: $5639

(Top photo by purpleslog)