Crushable Confessional: Two Perspectives On The ‘Gay BFF’

With Teen Vogue declaring gay best friends – or GBFs -  the new “in demand,” must-have accessory, it’s tempting to run out and get one. While we’d first like to point out that they are human beings and thus not available on a rack at Bloomingdale’s, we’d also like to note that some GBF experiences are definitely must-have and others are must-avoid. Having been there and done both, we offer you two distinct perspectives on the gay bestie – one the best it could be, the other fraught with strife:

The Must-Have: I went to senior prom with my gay. In fact, Dave and I were each other’s first true loves, and we dated for two years, with talk of sexual orientation never entering the equation. He was still closeted, and our love remains among the most authentic I’ve ever experienced. We talked about a future together, and discussed getting married. After we broke up, we were both too devastated to talk to each other for several years to come, but we eventually reconciled at age 25 – when he came out – and as soon as it happened, it was like we’d never been apart. With one caveat: We weren’t dating. Officially, anyway. We still spent all of our time together; we went on romantic dates; we were each other’s go-to wedding companions. There were three key differences this time around: I was also his go-to companion when he had dinner with key people in his life so he could come out to them; we didn’t make out; and we talked about boys a lot. I was going through the biggest break-up of my life at the time, and he was indispensable. He brought me soup and medicine when I was sick, took me to the hospital (I was having panic attacks at the time), and came over at least twice a week for dinner and TV. (Oh, the glory days of Will & Grace.) But because we always knew our place in each other’s lives, the transition from this intense near-couplehood to normal best friends went smoothly. Eventually I moved from Chicago, where we both lived, to New York; he got a serious boyfriend. We still shared every bit of our hopes and dreams, our ridiculous thoughts, our endless boy troubles with each other. We still took trips together and visited each other in our respective cities. Now I know we were right all those years ago, at least about one thing: We were soulmates – we are soulmates. Just not the kind we’d originally imagined. To me, that’s the beauty of the right gay best friend – he’s a soulmate with whom we never have to break up. – Jennifer Armstrong

The Cautionary Tale: I had some of the most amazing times of my life with my former GBF. We met when we were young enough to be blinded by our ambitions and naive enough to think we deserved the world – with a cherry on top. We laughed at the same jokes and each shared a common narcissism that the other encouraged. Neither of us ever had to suffer a heartbreak or demeaning boss alone. It was everything a good friendship should be – and everything it shouldn’t. Things went awry when our lives – as they tend to do – took different trajectories. Namely, I wanted to settle down and leave behind the carefree – and oftentimes careless – behavior that made up most of our fun together, and he resented me for it (read the whole sordid affair here. What I learned from the experience is that for any relationship to last, both parties need to understand their appropriate place in it – and abide by the parameters. This applies to gay/straight BFFs and girlfriends alike. For example, when a woman gets engaged, her relationship with her single girlfriends changes. The focus of her life has gone from sharing all her intimate secrets and desires with her friends to investing them all into her spouse. It’s understandable that some feelings can be hurt. However, life is evolutionary, and solid friendships can survive tremendous pressure if, again, both parties are understanding of the other. (See Jennifer’s lifelong love affair with her gay above.) My relationship with my GBF didn’t last because we were perhaps both unwilling to let it change. We cherished our heyday of carefree fun too much to figure out a way to let it go but still have each other. – Heather Wood Rudúlph

Tell us: Do you have a GBF? How would you describe your relationship? Do you consider him an “accessory” or a real person apart from his sexuality?

Jennifer Armstrong and Heather Wood Rudúlph are the cofounders and editorial directors of SirensMag.com.