Relationship Ninja: Going The Distance

Q: How can I get my boyfriend to pull his weight in our long-distance relationship? We decided to do the long-distance thing after dating for most of senior year of college — I got a job in the city and moved out on my own, he’s back living with his parents while he applies to grad school. He says he loves me and wants to be with me, but the problem is, getting him to come visit me is like pulling teeth. We’re a couple hours train ride apart and we try to see each other every other weekend, but when it’s his turn to make the trip, he’ll tell me he’s coming and then he’ll call me up with some last-minute excuse why he can’t. It’s usually family drama, but last time he told me his mom thinks I live in a bad neighborhood and he couldn’t come because it would worry her. WTF? My neighborhood is fine, but even if it wasn’t, he’s a grown-ass man! He doesn’t need his mom’s permission to do shit!

I’m really sick of arguing about this with him. He makes me feel like I’m being so unreasonable for asking him to come visit even though he’s the one who agreed on this schedule in the first place, and even when I can get him to make the trip I hate feeling like I “made him do it.” And I’ve been holding up my end and visiting him at his folks house once a month, but his mom clearly doesn’t like me and it’s really unpleasant. If he doesn’t want to see me I don’t see the point in us being together, but then he says he doesn’t want to break up. I don’t know what to do. What do you think?

A: What do I think? I think that you should quarter a lemon, dice up some onions and garlic, chop a few sprigs of parsley, and then shove the whole mess up your boyfriend’s ass and stick him under a broiler.

Because he is, without a doubt, the biggest chicken ever to walk the earth.