Relationship Ninja: How Do I Get My Guy Friend To Stop Flirting?

Q. Last year I started to have romantic feelings for one of my guy friends. We’d always had a flirty relationship and it seemed like there might be something there, so eventually I decided to tell him how I felt. Unfortunately he responded by telling me he didn’t feel the same and only saw me as a friend. I was unhappy but accepted it, except now I’m really confused, because he’s still flirting with me. I don’t know if he doesn’t know he’s doing it, or if he likes me but is afraid to ruin our friendship, but it’s really weird and painful for me. What is his deal, and what do I do? Should I move on, or wait for him to come around?

A. Well, I don’t know. How do you feel about enduring a bout of severe, self-inflicted emotional torture with no apparent end in sight?

Because if that sounds nice to you, then by all means, keep hanging around and waiting for your friend-crush to wake up and smell the romance – while your agonized pining reaches fever-pitch levels of Suck. Wheeeee! It’ll be FUN!

…But if an indiscriminate period of misery isn’t your cup of tea, then it’s time to: a) stop dwelling on this non-starter of a crush, b) decide what you want out of this friendship now that the stakes have changed, and c) move toward that goal.

Because things ARE going to be different now. I appreciate that you’re in a tough position here – feeling like a fool for having confessed to an unrequited crush, and also feeling like an asshole for no longer being happy with the flirty status quo of your pre-confession friendship. You might even feel that everything should go back to being the same as it was, since his attitude toward your friendship has remained unchanged. But hey, things aren’t the same for you. How could they be? Before, this guy’s flirtatious behavior seemed to mark the possibility of romance; now, it’s just a painful reminder that you’ll only ever be friends.

So, the big question is, are you OK with that?

If your feelings for him have irrevocably changed – i.e. if you feel that you’ll never be able to spend platonic time with this guy without yearning to launch yourself at him while screaming, “Love meeeeeee!” – then it’s time to pull back from this relationship, if only temporarily. (If he’s a good guy, then he’ll understand when you say, “I need a little time to get back to thinking of you as just a friend. It’s nothing personal.”)

On the other hand, if you think you can still be friends but it’s just the flirting that’s like a knife to the heart, then it’s time to have a casual but direct conversation in which you ask him to cut it out – at least for now. It sounds like this guy made no bones about his lack of interest, so he may well be oblivious to what he’s doing, and he deserves the chance to stop acting in a way that’s painful to you. (Just say something like, “I’m trying to get over my feelings for you, but it’s a hell of a lot harder to do when you keep trying to cuddle with me. Can you scale it back for while?”)

And on the other other hand (yes, we have just grown three hands), if he continues to flirt with you after that … well, then he’s a putz who cultivates your attention because it makes him feel good about himself and doesn’t give a good goddamn about your feelings at all.

In which case you should not only move on immediately, but also flip him the bird on your way out the door.

Got a question about dating, relationships, or friends (with or without benefits)? Get advice from Kat! Send your questions to shipninja@gmail.com.