Relationship Ninja

Kat Rosenfield answers your burning questions about guys and other problems.

Q. I am very, very good at being “One of the Guys.” Growing up without sisters, female cousins, all-boy neighbors, and playing on a co-ed soccer team until I was about 14 really kind of fostered this. I simply relate to men more than I do women. It’s not that I don’t have female friends, because I do. And it’s not that guys aren’t interested in dating me, they are. I just don’t know how to do it!

So how do you suggest I go about getting out of that “I’m-super-awkward-and-have-no-earthly-idea-how-to-date-can’t-we-just-be-friends-it’s-so-much-easier” mindset? Whenever a guy shows interest or pays me a compliment I clam up, panic, and usually hide in a corner.

A. First, allow me to butter you up with a little bit of good news: You don’t have to “know how to date”. Dating is not a skill set, it’s a state of affairs. And the qualifications for entering said state are as follows: Can you successfully interact with another person without biting, screaming hysterically for no reason, or calling his mother a whore?

Yes?

Congratulations, lady. You’ve got what it takes!

So, to get yourself out of Awkwardville, it’s time to rethink your definition of “dating.” You’ve been viewing it as a totally different species of interaction from your friendships, one that’s unnatural and difficult and requires special skills, when the reality is that dating is friendship. No, really. When two mutually interested people decide to spend time together and get to know each other, they’re friends. Right? That’s friendship. Unless or until they make out, and then they’re dating.

Until or unless they decide that the makeout was a big, wet mistake and should not be repeated again, ever, in which case they go back to being friends.

So this means that you don’t need to do anything out of the ordinary in order to date an interested dude – particularly because your easygoing, guy-friendly personality is what attracts them in the first place. If you’re one of the guys, a prospective suitor neither expects nor wants you to suddenly turn into Scarlett O’Hara just because he asked you out. And if he does, he’s not right for you.

So easy.  And now that you realize you’ve been scaring the pants off of yourself for no reason (you do realize that, right?), you can stop running off into corners like a frightened ferret whenever some guy says that he likes your hair. Instead, relax. Say “thank you”. If you’re interested, talk to him the same way you would anyone else whose company you enjoy.

And if the super-awkwardness returns, take a deep breath and remind your panicked brain that this is no big deal. After all, it’s just friendship.

…Until or unless you make out.

Kat Rosenfield is a freelance writer and advice columnist whose work has appeared in Girls’ Life, Interiors, and Wend magazines, and online at SparkLife, Venus Zine, and MTV.com. She eagerly awaits emails about botched breakups, dating dilemmas, and other relationship-related drama at katrosenfield@gmail.com.