Romancing the Bone: To Snoop or Not To Snoop?

We’ve all been there. It’s pretty early in the relationship. Our boyfriend or girlfriend has an early class and leaves us blissfully sleeping in their room…until we sit bolt upright, realizing the treasure trove of information lurking in their waiting laptop, their old diaries, and their internet browsing history. It’s in times like these where a woman must ask herself: To snoop, or not to snoop: that is the question: Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer/ The slings and arrows of outrageous snoopage,/Or to take arms against a sea of suspected secrets,/ And by opposing end a relationship?

In case anyone is reading this and thinking “Wait, but really, does anyone in their right mind actually go through their partner’s stuff?,” the answer of course is “define right mind.” For those who have been tempted to rifle through a person’s drawers (not the ones they’re wearing), there are basically two types of snooping in this world. The first is general nosiness, which is for the most part does no good for anyone. Going through a partner’s computer/closet/locked metal box labeled “Do Not Open Until I’m Dead” is very similar to poking around an old haunted house. It’s exciting and scary, and you’re undoubtedly going to rustle up a bunch of weird, interesting stuff. However, as in an actual old haunted house, just because you located them doesn’t mean you’re going to understand the actual meaning of your findings. “What do all these old photos mean? Is he still in love with his ex? Or is this a sign from the other side that a ghost wants her murder solved? Also, also is everything covered in three inches of dust?”

In addition to indecipherable personal items, a girl who decides to snoop must steal herself for the inevitable discovery: butt porn. Or, you know, really other kinds of porn that she might not what to find. The human brain is a wonderful wacky organ; a woman can spend all day checking out the dozens of centaur girl websites without gaining any insights into her partner or his state of mind. Oh right, and there’s also the innate violation of trust that comes with sneaking around your man’s things. Because wouldn’t the same strange discoveries be made abou us? Maybe he’d find that backlog of Snape/Sirius Black slash fiction. Maybe he’d find that sonnet from your ex you’re saving to put into your one-woman show one day. As much as you want to peer into the deep secrets of your lover’s soul (or just find out how he described you to his friends before you started dating), looking at random scraps of information isn’t going to help you piece it together. If anything, it will just make you insane with more wonder. And speaking of insanity…

The other type of snooping is, of course, based on suspicion. To which I say: save yourself the time and effort, girl. If a woman thinks her partner is cheating or taking prescription meds or otherwise being shady, the urge to snoop rises. However, women (and people in general) should keep in mind that if they already suspect something is terribly wrong, nothing they’re going to find will resolve that. Hey, maybe it’ll turn out that girl he wrote, “I love you” to in an email is just his sister…sure, if life was a mediocre episode of Friends. Maybe he’ll explain that he was just holding those pills for a friend…sure, if life was a mediocre episode of Cops. The reality of the situation is, if a woman suspects that her partner is dabbling in some darkness, she will either prove herself right via snooping or continue to make herself crazy looking for evidence of his or her wrong-doing. It’s a lose-lose, because in her gut she already knows. If a girl suspects that there’s a possibility she’s getting worked up over nothing, she should actually talk to her partner about her fears. If that seems impossible or ends every time with the phrase, “You’re just being crazy,” then girl can spare herself trouble. No number of hours spent snooping is going to turn a relationship into a new, more worthwhile one. Centaur costumes a woman can make peace with; a relationship without trust is another thing entirely.