Sex, Honestly: Try Planned Parenthood (But Don’t Book Your Appointment Online)

“Well, hello 21st Century! I see you are now looking after my vaginal health,” I’m thinking as I check out the Planned Parenthood website. After two years of no health insurance, I decided I could no longer wait things out, and used the site’s location finder.

Then I saw something that really got me excited. I could set up my appointment online. It’s not like phones are some huge inconvenience, but I’ve gotten so used to texting and using my computer for everything that I hate talking on the phone. If I could text to get an appointment I’d be even happier.

(Note: To get birth control, there is no need to make an appointment at all online or otherwise; as for abortion services, online requests are only available for the organization’s Chicago-based Health Center.)

Once I filled out all of the boxes I was directed to a screen that told me I would be hearing from someone at the clinic in a few days. Having signed up for an account, I would be able to log back in to get any messages or even to view my appointment history. So I sat back and waited a few days for a phone call.

However, in a few days I did not get a phone call. I got an email notifying me that I had an online message, which told me that the options I had chosen, “As soon as available, Tuesday, & between noon and four p.m.,” had not shown any appointments, so I needed to call. Hmmm. Curious. I guess Tuesday afternoons are busy. I decided to give the online form a few more tries, mostly out of curiosity at this point.

I tried combinations of all days, always answering “How soon do you need your appointment” with “Anytime.” I tried mornings, afternoons, evenings. And guess what? They had no appointments available for any of them. Every combination gave me the same two-day waiting period followed with a message that they just didn’t have anything for me.

Finally, on a Wednesday I called. I scheduled an appointment for Friday morning. Oh, well. One day I’m sure they’ll figure out the bugs. The phone call was about as painless as a call can be, anyway.

On Friday morning I showed up at the clinic, freshly showered. If you’ve never been to a Planned Parenthood, let me tell you how f&%#ing scary it can be. Sure, some clinics are really good at keeping themselves hidden away and nondescript, but in every city, town, or village in America there are some nutjobs with pamphlets who have made it their personal goal to seek out these clinics and talk lost women out of “killing innocents.” As I approached the doors, a pale woman put her hand on my belly and whispered, “You don’t have to do this.”

“Yes, I do. I never miss appointments. I’m OCD about it.” I told her, drawing back from her touch. She and her male cohort began to pray at me and ask me if I knew that innocents were being murdered, saying that I had options.

Once inside, the paperwork and exam were basic. The waiting room was half full of people avoiding eye  contact or talking. The doctor was hurried, the nurses polite, so par for the course. I tried to make small talk, but when someone has their fingers inside you to check for abnormalities, chitchat is somewhat strained.

Once the barrage of exams, blood draws, and urine tests were all taken care of I got dressed and grabbed a few pamphlets, stalling before facing the people waiting outside. I thought about walking out, sobbing and woozy, maybe yelling, “What have I done? My innocent little baby!” As fun as it might have been, I didn’t feel like making a mockery of women who have strong emotional reactions to having had an abortion.

Instead, I walked, head high, past what had now become a small but loud group of protesters. As an afterthought, I turned to the praying lot and tried to enlighten them a little bit. “Do you know what else they do in here? They offer birth control and women’s health services. How many people are you stopping from taking care of those things? How many women and girls will end up needing to come here for an abortion because they were too freaked out to come here for birth control?”

As it happens, more and more uninsured women are turning to Planned Parenthood for routine reproductive health exams. Ladies, don’t let those protesters intimidate you. No matter why you need Planned Parenthood’s services, you have a right to receive them. My only suggestion is that for now at least, you don’t try to schedule your appointment online.