Textual Healing: How To Write A Breezy Note To Your Ex

Text messaging (and other forms of digital communications) is often the fastest way to communicate with friends and acquaintances, but it’s not always the best one. Especially when it comes to texting with guys. Here at Crushable we aim to help you sift through all the subtext and emerge relatively unscathed – with a little help from our friend Amanda Ernst.

No matter how it ended, who broke up with whom or whether or not you’ve already moved on, there comes a time when you have the urge to reach out to your ex. Some people burn bridges, and once a person is out of their life he or she might as well be dead. I must admit I’m not that way. I have attempted to reach out to every serious boyfriend I’ve ever had, and I’m still good friends with a couple. And whether you want to just say hello, or test the waters to see if he’s still single, the key to communication with an ex is the casual, breezy message. Just ask Monica on that one episode of Friends.

If you want to come across as “breezy,” you should first have a good reason to reach out in the first place. If you admit that you were “just thinking about you,” well, then you can seem a little desperate and lonely — even if that’s not the case at all. It’s better to give some context, like revealing you saw something that made you think of a date you guys went on or an inside joke between the two of you. Try to stay friendly but not sappy, and avoid references to sex on first contact. If that is your ultimate intention, you’ll get there, but pace yourself. (This is especially true for guys reaching out to girls. Don’t booty text me out of the blue after we broke up six months ago.) Maybe you want to share some big news — like you got the promotion you were working for so badly when you two were still together. Or perhaps you ran into each other at a party but stayed one opposite sides of the room. Birthdays and holidays are also a good way to break the ice, and an excuse to send a friendly message. (On that note, avoid anniversaries and Valentine’s Day, unless you’re going the “dumping you was the biggest mistake of my life and I’ll do anything to get you back” route.)

Next, choose the right medium by which to convey your message. You want to give off an air of thoughtfulness, even if you only spent a few minutes writing to them. Emails are great for this purpose. You can write them, save them, and go back to them, and even if you write it quickly your ex might still think that’s what you did. Phone calls show real determination, even if you only get to leave a voicemail. Heck, if you’re a real romantic at heart, pen a letter and send it via snail mail. Whatever you do — don’t send a drunk text at 4 a.m. Don’t leave a message on their Facebook wall (unless it’s their birthday — but then don’t expect a personalized response). Don’t Facebook message, tweet or IM. You can sometimes get away with texts, if they are artfully composed and sent during respectable hours.

My last rule: think it through. If it’s 4 a.m. and you’re drunk and you’re feeling nostalgic and lonely and sad, write down what you would say to your ex. Save it or put it away. When you wake up, take a moment to reread your note. Put yourself in your ex’s shoes and think about how he or she will react. Do they want to hear from you? What might they be doing at the moment their receive your message? How soon will they respond? Will you be upset if he/she doesn’t respond at all?

Throughout my dating career, I have been on the receiving end and the giving end of notes to and from exes. And while I’m proud of some exchanges, I am equally embarrassed that I went through others. But I learned something from them all. Several years ago, I wrote an email to an ex that I later learned was so breezy (his word not mine) it made it impossible for him to respond appropriately. It really required no response at all, which was the effect I was going for. My ex later told me he wrote several drafts in response, deleting each one because they were too emotional, too long winded. About a month later he called me, and we’ve been friends again pretty much ever since.

Do you think I made the right move by reaching out to my ex? Have you ever sent or received a breezy message to or from an ex — or worse yet, one that wasn’t so breezy? Leave your experiences in the comments below and you might see your story featured in an upcoming installment of Textual Healing.