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Text messaging might be the easiest and most convenient way to send a note to your friends, but when it comes to communicating with a guy, it can be anything but simple. Whether his messages are short and sweet or lengthy and in-depth, you’re usually left wondering: what is he really trying to say? And even worse, how do I respond? Here at Crushable we want to help you sift through all the subtext and emerge, textually healed.
Here’s today’s dilemma: that phantom text from an ex you got out of your system months ago. Like so many texts, this one has a back story. I was sitting home alone on a Sunday night (okay, it was Valentine’s Day) when I heard the familiar buzz of a text message coming in to my Blackberry. But any anticipation of a cute message from a friend or crush quickly vanished when I saw who it was from — a guy who had broken my heart almost two years ago. We’ve had zero contact since, and he chose this night to send me the very generic “What’s up?” text. My stomach dropped right into the couch cushions.
I’ll admit, I was curious as to why — why? — this guy would be trying to get back in touch with me this way, and at this moment. But despite my urge to press reply, I hit delete instead. I had my reasons. Here are a few:
The Medium
When you’re in a relationship with someone for a long time, they know how to find you. My ex could have called, or written an email if he was feeling less brave. He could have Googled me and found out where I work, checked me out on Twitter or Facebook or even LinkedIn. Any of those forms of communication would have been preferable, if he really wanted to get back in touch with me. Instead, he chose to text me. Sure, it’s easy to text, but it’s almost too easy. No thought or effort required and, hey, if you get a bad response, or none at all, you can just pretend your note was meant for someone else. But if we haven’t spoken for months and months, I deserve more than that.
The Message
Only the text message would allow someone who you haven’t heard from in forever to send you the totally frustrating “What’s up?” How do I even begin to respond to that loaded question?
The Timing
If you’re trying to get back in touch with me after ages of radio silence, don’t do it at 10 p.m. on Valentine’s Day. The message made me think of all the Valentine’s Days we had spent together (three to be exact) and it made me sad and nostalgic. And the feelings of rejection, betrayal and heartbreak I had pushed out my mind months ago came rushing back. I started to feel bad for myself for sitting home alone on the most romantic of fake holidays. Who wants to reward that behavior with a response, or worse, a conversation?
The moral of the story is, if an ex wants to get back in touch with you, it needs to happen on your terms. No one should ever make you feel uncomfortable or sad, and if they once made you sad they have to try that much harder to get back in your life. A much better message would have been, “I’m sorry for everything. Hope you’ve found love on this Valentine’s Day.”
Have you ever received an ill-timed text message from an ex? Have a confusing text message that you need advice on? Tell us in the comments, and you might see your story in the next edition of Textual Healing.
(Photo via flickr)
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Yeah, the cost of a text (in time, effort, everything) doesn’t measure does it? I liked it better when they had to ride to us on horses and fight dragons to be able to say hello. :-)
Your article speaks straight to the heart of my problem. He is the thorn twisting in my side. We went out for just over a year, and just three months ago he broke my heart into a million pieces by telling me he loved me but is not in love with me… He has now sent the quintessential ghost text “hi, how are you?” I took my time, but replied two nights later, out of longing and curiosity, with a very chilly text, something along the lines “I’m ok, busy but good…hope you’re doing well too.” He responds with an even more irritating “anything new and exciting in your life”…WTF does that mean?? Should I even continue this excruciating, humiliating, and incomprehensible attempt at reconnecting????
Email me at xnickphotox@gmail.com. For real, i want to talk about this! I think we can shed some light on each others situations.
could ask straight out, what do you want?
Whew, well…dated the ex for a year. Thought he was the one for me, and on occasion, I still do. However, We ended horribly and no effort was made from either of us to ever talk about anything. So, it’s almost been two months and I get the famous early morning text, ‘hey’. Of course, I didn’t reply…I thought he’s drunk/partying/etc…minutes later he texts again with ‘I miss you’. This one was the shocker because he is a proud guy. I still didn’t reply. It was tempting, and at times like right now (currently dating someone new) I feel the NEED to go back to who I love…
FYI: we broke up because of his dishonesty (trust would be an issue)
**thoughts/opinions…I would love them.
the worst is when you have a child by your ex and is there until the week until you go into labor and when you call him he tells you he’s working he does not care…anyways its a year and a half later and he has texted me every other week from i hate you and she is not my daughter (when i know she is) to im hope you both die to what you doing to i miss you..how are you and Kira (my daughter) to fuck you i fucked your best friend the night she stayed with us on the floor when u passed out to i miss u.. It makes me so sick and all the power in my whole body to not answer him. All i want, wanted, is him to be a true father to our daughter and to help out financially. ANY ADVICE????????
Is this link still open for advice?
Umm, did we date the same guy? I got the exact same “what’s up” text from an ex two years after breaking up. I have no words to describe how irritating this was. I made the mistake of answering, and now he texts me once a week to “remind me that I should hang out with him sometime.” Ug. The worst part is, I know the second I give in to him, he will go back to being the distant, hot and cold mind-fucker he always was. No, the WORST part is that I find his persistence endearing. What is wrong with me??
it’s awesome that you didn’t respond. the curiosity would have probably gotten me :x
“the most romantic of fake holidays” – freakin brilliant