Why I Crush On Dirty Men

Have you been to rehab? Do you look like you’ve been to rehab? When was the last time you shaved? Not in three weeks, you say? Are you homeless? Yeah? Once…in college…for a whole week? Damn, boy. Well, if you’re not doing anything later, maybe you and I can hit up the local soup kitchen.

Truth be told, I love dirty men. Give me your tired, your poor, your plaid-clad, scruffy-faced huddled masses… And it’s not even something I’ve grown into, not one of those, “Oh, well she had a bad experience with clean guys, so [whisper voice] you know…” situations. On the contrary, as far back as I can remember I loved the unkempt and wild-eyed. From the pre-school playground (Andrew I-Forget-His-Last-Name with the pink juice ring around his mouth) to the high school hallways (the bearded half of the varsity hockey team and a shaggy-haired, stoned tennis player or two), I’ve crushed on them all.

Through my extensive research – and trust me, it’s been extensive – I’ve found that there are two types of dirty men. Those who look dirty and those who look at you dirty. And I happen to be a fan of both. (It should also be cautiously noted that there is, technically, a third type: a combination of the dirty looking and dirty looking…and you best stay away. There’s a 97% chance you’ve met Charles Manson and he wants to kill you.) For all you fellow enthusiasts and hobby crushers, here’s the Spotter’s Guide to Dirty Men…

The physically (yes, and sometimes mentally) rumpled are quite easy to find in the wild. While some guys spend their would-be date money on dry cleaning bills and those horribly stiff no-iron khakis, you’ll recognize the dirty dude because he knows not of such luxuries. It’s all about “Smell this shirt. Does this smell clean to you? Smells clean to me. I only wore it twice last week. And yesterday.” While some see a filthy shirt that needs to be tossed in the washing machine, I see an American Apparel deep v-neck tee teeming with pheromones. That’s thriftiness, my friends. Some real Man vs. Wild stuff right there. Can you handle it? Sadly, only some of us can.

As for those guys with the Do-Me eyes…stay far, far away. Easily the more dangerous variety of Dirty Guy, they’ll ring out your heart like it was a ShamWow full of tears, vodka and shame. Not speaking from experience or anything; I never once nicknamed the mysterious, brooding dude in my (required for all students) Dance Appreciation class “Sex Face Carl” for an entire semester only to run into him at his own house party, confess my undying love for his dark wavy hair and date him for two months only to find out that he was sleeping with half the Greek Village. That definitely never happened. But if it did, it would have sucked, right? Right.

The lesson with these particular dirty-minded men is to admire from afar. Sure, they may look like a fabulous challenge when you’re 73 drinks in spot them at the other side of the bar or, as I like to say, in their natural habitat. Make like you’re at the zoo, though. Don’t look them in the eye, maintain your personal space and, whatever you do, avoid making physical contact.

The next time you’re bored of your well-fed, showered and definitely-not-homeless boyfriend, try taking a walk on the dirty side and let me know how it goes.

Alex loves rainbow sprinkles, retro bromances, and cultivating an iTunes library superior to yours. Most days, though, she just wishes she was dating a dirty guy. Got something to say or a good conspiracy theory you’re just dying to share with someone? Follow her on twitter @AlexandraRane or on Tumblr.