Off The Market: Bodysuits. Why?

If I were to walk around the streets of New York City and believe what all the advertisements were telling me, I would believe that the best way to be sexy would be to walk around wearing a high-cut, one-piece, glittery neon bodysuit reminiscent of the leotards I used to wear to ballet class when I was 4 years old.

These advertisements for these grown-up leotards are everywhere– the biggest offenders being H&M and American Apparel, two stores I’m always a little embarrassed to admit how much I love. H&M sells all those weird snoods and other Lady GaGa-inspired accessories, but any girl with a good head on her shoulders also knows that you can get some solid hoodies and other simple stuff there for super cheap. And everyone loves to hate on American Apparel, but at least they have good manufacturing practices, and if I had lots of money I would buy way more clothes there — as previously mentioned, I’m a big fan of a good hoodie.
So I’m willing to forgive the snoods, and that weird phase where American Apparel sold all that highlighter-colored shit, but this bodysuit thing has really got to stop.

They’ve been pushing bodysuits on us since at least two summers ago, and I can’t think of a single non-annoying person who has ever worn one. Come to think of it, I’m not even sure if I’ve seen annoying people wear one — although I suppose they would be under everyone’s clothes? And what in god’s name is the point of wearing one-piece underwear instead of two? Was peeing getting too convenient for you? Did you want to ensure you’d be okay if all your clothes suddenly blew away all at once? Have you been looking for a way to do lots of sexy posing while making actually having sex much more of a hassle?
Perhaps these companies think that young women really miss that feeling of being a young girl and going to gymnastics class. For many of us girls, this time in our lives was our first time being told that our bodies weren’t OK the way they were. Hey ladies — feeling a little too happy with yourself lately? Put this thing on, and it will remind you of being young, awkward, and terribly insecure.
I’m pretty sure I’ve exhausted all the possibilities of why anyone would ever want one of these things. If there’s something I’m missing and there’s some non-annoying people out there who find this to be a necessary item in their wardrobe, I will stand corrected. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to use the bathroom, and I plan on having no trouble at all.

–By Molly Knefel