Crushable » Ashlee Simpson

American’s Next Top Model All-Stars Recap: Pretty In Pink’s

Louis Peitzman — Thu, 22 Sep 2011 15:15:48 +0000

Here’s the thing about an “All Stars” season of America’s Next Top Model: it implies a level of self-awareness that this show and its contestants lack. I mean, by now Tyra Banks and her models should be conscious of the reality show tropes—and yet they continue to talk as though they’ve never been humiliated on national television before. Wednesday night’s episode began with all the women talking about how they deserve to win and this is a competition and they’re not here to make friends. (OK, no one actually said that last bit, but it was implied.) “Brittany going home let me know that this is seriously a competition,” Dominique intoned. Yes, one model will go home every week. My head exploded, too.

The models got a visit from brand strategist Martin Lindstrom. “He works with some of the biggest, most amazing Fortune 500 companies,” Tyra explained. “And he also works … with me.” I’m obsessed with her pause for emphasis. Take it in, ladies. For those who don’t know, a brand strategist is someone who reduces your entire personality to a meaningless buzzword, all while ridiculing you and explaining why everyone thinks you’re awful. But for those of us who love to hate the All Stars, this sequence was immensely pleasurable. “They do not trust you at all,” he told Lisa. “People think you are so annoying,” he informed Alexandria. But you know she knew that already.

Some of the contestants got good words—and by that, I mean words that are easy to work with. Camille is “proud,” Lisa is “daring,” Laura is “loveable.” (Ugh, she so is.) I’m not entirely sure what Bre is supposed to do with “girlfriend,” but I’ll let her figure that out. The best part of the branding was the way the models reacted, because it seemed to bring out the stupid in everyone. Even my girl Sheena got in on the action, explaining, “In America, people don’t relate Asian Americans with their individuality.” And Alexandria (very much not my girl) offered, “My fans think I’m annoying.” No, honey, because that would make them not your fans. The only proper response was Bianca’s: she tried to start a bitch fight, just because she was labeled “candid.” And I totally get that—in all my most natural moments, I am confronting other people with nonsense allegations.

Then it was time for Ty-overs, which is a portmanteau of “Tyra” and “makeovers.” Like how you might call this recap a “Louiscap.” (Oh, God, please call it a “Louiscap.”) As soon as Ashlee Simpson walked out, I knew the models were all getting nose jobs. Ugh, if only. Seriously, though, I like Ashlee Simpson as much as the next guy who sat through all of the Melrose Place reboot, but what was she doing there? I’ll let Lisa explain it: “Ashlee Simpson was there to talk to us about branding and how important it is to mix things up to stay at the top.” I’m sorry, I just don’t buy it. Not until Martin Lindstrom gives her a buzzword. How about “lala”?

The makeover freakouts are kind of standard at this point, but I still expected better from these seasoned professionals. Bre got an adorable short cut and literally wanted to call her mom and get picked up. “I was upset when they cut my hair,” she said. “Now I’m at a rage.” Calm down, Bre. It’s not like anyone stole your granola bar.

This week’s photo shoot had the models posing with Pink’s hot dogs, because nothing says high fashion like processed meat. And, OK, I try to be mature, but it’s hard not to titter when the contestants are shoving the most phallic food possible into their mouths. “How do you make a hot dog gay and lesbian and free?” Kayla wondered. I don’t know, but putting that thing near your face is not helping the cause. I did, however, admire Isis’ decision to pose with legs splayed, hand over her crotch, hot dog proudly gripped. She is owning the fact that she used to have a penis—with relish. (So sorry.)

Then came judging, which seemed especially absurd this week. Nigel Barker on Shannon’s photo: “Is it trustworthy? I guess I trust you.” His take on Angelea’s? “It’s certainly persistent.” Look, let’s just admit there was nothing to do with these adjectives and hot dogs, instead of giving people crap for not looking “tough” or “unexpected” while smearing mustard on their faces. Despite all his dumb commentary, though, I still wish Nigel hadn’t let Tyra shave his head. Now I’m going to forget he has hair all over again.

This week’s ousted contestant: Sheena. I’ll definitely miss her, but this was never really Sheena’s competition. That having been said, I admired the way she decorated her hot dog with rose petals. She may have begun her Top Model journey as a hoochie, but Sheena leaves a high fashion “All Star.” Work the jumpsuit, girl.

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Sex On The Wire: Celebs With Naughty Piercings

Emily Moorhouse — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 19:30:36 +0000

• Things you wish he’d say. (College Candy)

• Kisses you don’t want. (Betty Confidential)

• Celebs and their naughty piercings. (The Frisky)

• Asking him out and other college experiences. (YourTango)

• Stop throwing yourself pity parties. (College Crush)

• Ashlee Simpson puckers up with her new beau. (Celebuzz)

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Gallery: Celebs in Leather Pants

Liana Maeby — Thu, 11 Aug 2011 21:40:30 +0000

I’ve been going through this thing lately where I can’t stop thinking about buying a pair of leather pants. Here’s why: I assume that if I own leather pants, I’ll automatically be super good at pool. And I really, really want to be super good at pool. But I am not, hence the leather pants. I’ve gotten nothing but encouragement every time I say, “I think I’d like to get some leather pants,” but I suspect my friends might be screwing with me. So, when in doubt, I look to the celebs for guidance. Rihanna, Kate and Kate: I bet you guys are so effing good at pool.

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Hot Shot: Vincent Piazza, Ashlee Simpson’s New Boyfriend

Liana Maeby — Thu, 23 Jun 2011 15:08:20 +0000

This is Vincent Piazza from Boardwalk Empire — you know, that show you spent eight hours of your life trying so hard to like, until finally you realized, “You know what? I have free will and, frankly, this series is boring so I’m not going to watch it. I’m just going to shut it off and read a book. A celebrity biography, maybe.” And then you walked around all huffy for two days, with a sense of moral superiority. Am I projecting?

Anyway, Vincent Piazza plays the character Lucky Luciano in Boardwalk, and he’s totally dating Ashlee Simpson: the two have been spotted making out all over town. Not a bad rebound if we say so ourselves.

(via Getty)

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Pop Culture Pop Quiz: Courtney Stodden’s Parent or Joe Simpson?

Molly Horan — Wed, 22 Jun 2011 15:16:09 +0000

Courtney Stodden’s parents signed a paper allowing their sixteen year old daughter to marry a man more than three times her age. Joe Simpson likes to talk about his daughter Jessica Simpson‘s boobs. All three are creepy, but each has their own, individual creepy voice. Can you match these quotes to the correct parental creeper?

1.“Every father can only pray to have such a man behind their daughter.”

2. “She just is sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she’s sexy in both. She’s got double D’s! You can’t cover those suckers up!”

3.“She has real breasts, real lips, she’s not plastic.”

4.”She’s going to be a huge movie star: She’s like Meg Ryan or Cameron Diaz, with probably more depth.”

5.”[Daughter] was a virgin when she married [husband]. She is a good Christian girl.”

Answers are on the next page:

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Questionable Choices: Ashlee Simpson Has a Lot Going On

Liana Maeby — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 14:31:12 +0000

Ashlee Simpson‘s been hanging out in NYC, and she certainly has a lot of looking going on. We’re not sure how we feel about this. The jumpsuit is rad, but coupled with a fedora? Maybe it’s just the bag that’s throwing the whole thing off. (A solid A+ to the girl in the background.)

(via)

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15 Cases of Celebrity Splitsville

Lucia Peters — Sun, 29 May 2011 18:44:37 +0000

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver, Olivia Wilde and Tao Ruspoli, Leah Messer and Corey Simms… is it just me, or have there been more than the usual celebrity splits lately? Maybe it IS just me; they do tend to happen frequently and dramatically. Furthermore, it’s rare the celeb split that manages to fly under the radar. In fact, let’s take a look at some other high-profile celebrity splits, shall we?

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Questionable Choices: Celebrities Naming Their Kids After Places

Lilit Marcus — Fri, 06 May 2011 13:40:05 +0000

After lots of speculation, Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon finally announced the names of their newborn twins – Monroe (a girl named in honor of Marilyn Monroe) and Moroccan (a boy named in honor of … adjectives?). But little Moroccan is not the only celebrity offspring who shares his name with a place.

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Crush Links: We Weren’t Invited to LeAnn Rimes’ Secret Wedding

Natalie Zutter — Mon, 25 Apr 2011 13:22:57 +0000

• Just in time for the royal wedding: Photos of Prince William dancing in boxers and a feather boa at a party in 2002. (Celeb Dirty Laundry)

• Remember when Ryan Cabrera was a hottie and dating Ashlee Simpson? Now he’s looking a bit long in the tooth, and his hair is erring on the scary side of gelled. (Go Fug Yourself)

• Marlon Brando‘s grandson Tuki is sort of a hottie — in a Gael García Bernal way — and now he’s doing ads for TechnoMarine watches. (Oh No They Didn’t)

• After their affair ended both their marriages two years ago, LeAnn Rimes has married her beau Eddie Cibrian in a secret wedding… possibly in Houston, TX. (Socialite Life)

• Thanks to all of the feathery ensembles he’s worn on the ice, we’ll trust Johnny Weir with creating a new line of little black dresses. So far there are six designs which include ostrich feathers, taffeta, and sequins. (The Frisky)

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Gallery: Celebs With Pixie Cuts

Liana Maeby — Tue, 08 Mar 2011 22:05:37 +0000

Kate Winslet became the latest star to chop of her long locks and don the pixie look. Kate debuted her new blonde ‘do for the April issue of British Vogue, joining the ranks of short-haired actresses like Carey Mulligan, Emma Watson and Michelle Williams. So who else is doing the pixie thing? Check out our gallery of cropped-locked ladies.

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