Crushable » Awards

Jersey Shore Field Notes: The Pregnancy Scare

Liana Maeby — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 16:17:23 +0000

(By an anthropologist)

0:00 – Our specimens emerge hungover for the 11th time this week. Deena, Pauly and Ronnie head to the pizzeria for a day of work.

1:00 – Snooki wakes in her pink leopard-print (endangered species) dress from the night before and tries to track down her mate, Jionni, who abandoned her in a fit of rage.

2:00 – Snooki wants to talk to JWOWW, but JWOWW’s asleep. (Diagnosis: adaptive defense mechanism.) So Snooki puts on her furry boots (soon-to-be-extinct species, hopefully) and heads out alone.

3:00 – Snooki finds a cafe where people are eating quiet lunches. She insists that the music be turned up and dances by herself.

4:00 – Deena must clean the toilet at work. She does a good job. It’s very impressive.

5:30 – Snooki returns home. She calls her father and cries.

6:00 – Snooki at Jenni for not getting daytime drunk with her.

7:00 – Snooki proclaims that this is the worst day of her life.

8:00 – Snooki hates herself and needs to change in order to get married. So she changes into a pink leopard print wedding gown.

10:00 – JWOWW offers to track down the missing Jionni. She puts on a fake mustache and calls him on the telephone. He answers. He’s at the train station, heading to Rome.

14:00 – Snooki arrives to meet Jionni. He has already booked a new flight home. However, he tells Snooki he loves her and that he fucked up. But also he’s mad at her for dancing seductively. (Diagnosis: Jet lag?)

15:00 – Snooki’s heart is broken. It leaks pink glitter onto the Italian marble.

19:00 – Finally, our specimens head to the club to refuel with shots of petrol.

19:30 – Deena confides in JWOWW that she thinks she might be pregnant. Her symptoms include: dizziness, emotional behavior, missed period. (Diagnosis: she is pregnant with alcohol and will probably carry it to term.)

20:00 – JWOWW insists that they leave immediately to find a pregnancy test.

21:00 – Now Deena’s sobbing. (Note: A symptom of both pregnancy and drunkenness.)

22:00 – Deena returns home to take the test.

23:00 – The test reveals that Deena is not pregnant. Which is lucky for her but unlucky for the rest of us because a future president could have been born.

24:00 – Snooki calls Jionni. He tells her she’ a pig and generally insults her. She hangs up on him and oinks a couple times.

27:00 – Our specimens revive the Algonquin Round Table for an evening. They all sit around and discuss Jionni. Ronnie says that his first mistake was letting Snooki leave the house in a revealing dress. The females don’t like that Jionni is trying to change Snooki and decide he’s no good for her. Snooki belches and oinks again.

28:00 – Snooki has a brilliant idea. They will recreate their favorite Jersey club, Karma, right there in the living room. They will all dress up and Pauly will DJ. (Diagnosis: An impressive display of creativity. Plays well with others.)

31:00 – The Situation resumes his mating ritual with Snooki. He flaunts his peacock feathers and talks shit about Jionni.

32:00 – The Situation says “I love you” to Snooki. (Note: Does The Situation own a dictionary? Look into it.)

34:00 – The Situation jumps to the next stage of his sophisticated mating ritual, which means he lies and tells Snooki that Ronnie told him to kick Jionni in the head.

35:00 – Snooki yells at Ronnie. She feels like no one has her back. To demonstrate this point, she does a trust fall and nobody catches her.

37:00 – The Situation talks about receiving oral sex from Snooki. It sounds suspiciously like fan fiction written about that very thing.

38:00 – Snooki cuddles with Vinny and Deena with Pauly. Pauly kicks Deena out, but she’s happy because he allowed her to cuddle for five to ten minutes, and also because she still isn’t pregnant.

39:00 – Vinny and Snooki fornicate under the blankets. (Note: Have an intern write this fan fiction.)

Related posts:

Post from: Crushable

Why Sci-Fi Films Never Win Best Picture at the Oscars

Lucia Peters — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 21:05:33 +0000

It made a huge splash over the summer; it sparked many a heated debate, both in the world and on the internet; it made a soul-wrenching “BRRRRRRRRRRRRRWWWWWWWWW” noise that we all felt coming up through the floor from miles away… There can be no denying that Inception was one of 2010′s Important Films. Innovative in myriad ways, it’s one of those movies that film students will undoubtedly study for years to come. And yet, there’s an issue, and that issue’s name is Oscar. Though Inception took many of the technical awards this year (as well it should have), after Sunday’s ceremony, it will now join the ranks of such films as A Clockwork Orange, The Exorcist, Jaws, Star Wars, E.T., District 9, and countless others: all well-made, well-written, gripping, smart films that stood little to no chance at the “serious” awards like Best Picture. Why? It’s a science fiction film. Again: Why? Try this: When you get down to it, sci fi films are mostly about ideas, and therein lies the problem.

Though much maligned as genres, good sci fi, fantasy, and horror always take whatever ideas are floating around in the current cultural zeitgeist and examines them through a fantastical lens: spaceships; Jedis; Hobbits; dystopian futures; planets full of blue people; even dreams. These ideas can range from anything from such grand issues as fear of governmental power to more personal questions of identity and reality. And while all good films have strong ideas behind them, in sci fi, the story is often the vehicle that conveys the idea: That is, it can be said that the idea comes first, and the story is secondary to the idea. This is primarily due to the fact that sci fi usually originates from a “what if?” scenario: What if juvenile delinquency grows so out of hand that the world lives in constant fear of random violence? What if, then, the government is granted the power to rehabilitate these delinquents using a type of psychological conditioning that would once have been considered unethical? From these two what-ifs, we have a story of morality and whether the ends justify the means. We also have the story of A Clockwork Orange, nominated in 1971 (it lost to The French Connection). Here, the story is in service of examining this moral quandary, because without the moral quandary, the story wouldn’t exist. QED.

The films that tend to win Best Picture, however, work the other way around: The story comes first and foremost and everything else follows. This all comes back to Aristotle’s Poetics. According to Aristotle, the primary element of any tragedy is the plot, or mythos. Character (ethos) is next, thought (that is, the idea) comes third, and diction (or, how the thought is expressed), melody, and spectacle bring up the rear. Yep: the idea behind a story comes in a measly third place behind plot and character. True, Aristotle intended these rules to apply strictly to tragedy; however, these days, they’re acknowledged as useful tools of analysis no matter what the genre, so forgive my slightly relaxed use of them. Take a look at most of the Oscar-winning Best Pictures and you can see that they tend to follow Aristotle’s format: They’re big stories about big people, with the ideas more or less trailing in their wake. I’m overgeneralizing a little here, yes, but by and large, films like The Hurt Locker, Schindler’s List, Amadeus, The Godfather, Lawrence of Arabia, and so on are the rule, not the exception. I’m not entirely sure why this trend exists– maybe it goes back to sci fi’s history as a pulp thing or “low” culture– but then again, film was “low” culture as well once upon a time, so who knows.

Related posts:

Post from: Crushable

Crushable Quotable: Natalie Portman’s Laugh At The Golden Globes

Meghan Keane — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 05:05:41 +0000

Guys! Tonight was The Golden Globes. We’ll have much more coverage tomorrow. But for now, we will leave you with this parting shot. Natalie Portman laughing during her acceptance speech.

She might need to work on her acceptance speech before the Oscars next month, considering that she also talked about her fiance/dance instructor wanting to knock her up.

But get ready for this to be a meme. (And here’s another version, if you’d like more.) Somehow, more than one person I know made a joke about that laugh finally ending their crush on Natalie Portman. Really, guys? The fact that she’s famous and would never sleep with you, and is pregnant with ANOTHER MAN’S KID didn’t get you to that point? Hmn.

thisrecording

I like how Natalie Portman laughs like Charlyne Yi. Get those two in a stoner comedy together! #nextsocialnetwork #hireme #offtwitter

Related posts:

Post from: Crushable

Taylor Swift Won A NARM — What The Heck’s A NARM?

Amanda Ernst — Wed, 19 May 2010 18:35:10 +0000

When we heard that Taylor Swift was presented with the Artist of the Year award at the 2010 NARM Convention Monday, we thought — probably the same thing you were thinking — what the heck is a NARM?

Some quick Googling showed us that not only does NARM stand for the National Association of Recording Merchandisers (who were actually the people who presented Taylor with her award this week) but it’s also the acronym for a few other organizations — like the North American Registry of Midwives, the North American Reciprocal Museums and the National Association of Reunion Managers, a group of people who organize reunions for high schools.

Thankfully, none of those groups were the one honoring Taylor, but the way she’s going, she might be getting awards from them soon, too. She was recently inducted into the Songwriters Hall of Fame at the ripe old age of 20, and just yesterday she was honored with the Song of the Year award at the BMI Pop Music Awards.

(Photo byC.M. Wiggins/WENN.com)

Post from: Crushable

Katrina Bowden Presents Magazine Awards, Acts Dumb

Amanda Ernst — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 12:30:28 +0000

It’s not surprising to see 30 Rock‘s Katrina Bowden walking a red carpet. But when she walked on stage last night with People magazine editor Larry Hackett to present a handful of prizes at the American Society of Magazine Editors’ yearly National Magazine Awards, we were a little surprised.

Reading from a teleprompter, Katrina made the audience giggle as she played the vapid actress role to a tee — she was almost a little too good at it. Her witty clips could have come from the mouth of her 30 Rock character. At one point, Larry, who was recently elected president of the magazine association, announced that the presentation was halfway over. “And that means, we’re going to watch a clip of my very funny show, 30 Rock,” Katrina announced, turning to the big screen behind her. “No, that’s not going to happen now,” Larry said.

Katrina may have been typecast as the dumb blonde, but her strategic pairing with Larry on stage may get her a People cover…some day. However, next time we see Katrina we want her to challenge the stereotype and play the intellectual.

(Photo by Andy Kropa/Getty Images)

Post from: Crushable

How did Hilary Duff Rank on the 99 Sexiest Women List?

Alison — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 13:31:26 +0000

Hilary Duff was ranked at number 17 on Top99Women.com and we couldn’t agree more!

Throughout the year, fans uploaded and recommended their favorite female photo content to the Top 99 Women website and then voted for both the hottest ladies as well as their favorite photos of those women.

Check out the top 20 sexiest women and tell me if you agree?

20. Kelly Brook
19. Layla Kayleigh
18. Catrinel Menghia
17. Hilary Duff
16. Kim Kardashian
15. Paris Hilton
14. Julianne Hough
13. Jordana Brewster
12. Mickie James
11. Nicole Scherzinger
10. Ivanka Trump
09. Jennifer Ellison
08. Miranda Kerr
07. Britney Spears
06. Angela Taylor
05. Angelina Jolie
04. Alina Vacariu
03. Megan Fox
02. Denise Milani
01.Haifa Wehbe

Image: Bauer-Griffin

Post from: Crushable

Hilary Duff is a “Curvy Cutie”

Arieanna — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 19:58:37 +0000

Hilary Duff’s bikini bod in Hawaii made the news! E! put together a segment on Hilary’s “womanly curves”, admiring her for not being too thing. They call Hilary a “curvy cutie”:

I think if this was anyone other than Hilary Duff, they’d criticize her for her weight now. But people love Hilary and don’t spin negative gossip about her just because it spikes their ratings. And really, she’s not overweight. Hilary looks fantastic!!

Post from: Crushable

Hilary Duff Wins at TRL Italy

Arieanna — Mon, 18 May 2009 18:37:38 +0000

Hilary Duff was nominated this year for 2 awards in the MTV Italy TRL Awards 2009.

Hilary was up for “First Lady” and for “Best #1 of the Year”. Hilary Duff had some tough competition for the First Lady nomination, which goes to the favorite female International pop sugar… but… Hilary Duff WON as First Lady of 2009!

Here’s the video of Hilary winning the award (though Hilary wasn’t there to accept):

Logo: MTV.it

Post from: Crushable

Hilary Duff Nominated for TRL Italy Awards

Arieanna — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 20:19:32 +0000

Hilary Duff has been nominated for 2 awards in the MTV Italy TRL Awards 2009.

Hilary Duff has been nominated for:

‘First Lady’ (favorite female International pop star)
Best #1 of the Year (for ‘Reach Out‘)

Hilary is up against Anastacia, Beyonce, laura Pausini and Britney Spears for the First Lady nomination.

For the Best #1 nomination, Hilary’s single is up against songs by Marco Carta, Sonohra, Britney Spears and Lost.

Click here to vote for Hilary (up to 10 times per day)!!

Logo: MTV.it

Post from: Crushable

Vote for Hilary in Poptastic Awards

Arieanna — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 20:06:53 +0000

Vote for Hilary Duff in the 7th Annual Popstar! Poptastic Awards:

There are 32 categories of awards. Hilary Duff has been nominated in two categories: "Movie Actress" and "All-Time Idol Award"

VOTE HERE

Post from: Crushable