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Coach Eric Taylor Vs. 3 Michael Ceras: A Discussion with ‘Punching Tom Hanks’ Author Kevin Seccia

Liana Maeby — Tue, 16 Aug 2011 15:51:12 +0000

Good friend of Crushable Kevin Seccia (look how adorable he is!) wrote a hilarious book called Punching Tom Hanks: Dropkicking Gorillas and Pummeling Zombified Ex-Presidents—a Guide to Beating Up Anything. And although I respect Kevin as an able assessor of the strengths and weaknesses of various individuals, I still felt compelled to put his knowledge to the test against my own not unimpressive hypothetical battle skills. So we took to the ring, pitting Friday Night Lights‘ Coach Eric Taylor against three Michael Ceras.

Liana: Well, okay, so obviously Coach Taylor would win, and before I even get to why, let’s consider that Michael Cera — even 100 Michael Ceras — would lose in a fight to anyone ever.

Kevin: Oh Liana… sometimes i wonder if you know even the first thing about fighting multiple Michael Ceras. I say Cera wins. First: because he needs it more right now. He’s kind of faded from the spotlight, been pushed aside by Jesse Eisenberg and other mopey sorts. A win like this puts him right back in the mix.

Liana: Sure, but need can’t outweigh physical and mental deficiencies. Exhibit A: Coach Taylor has a full heart, Michael Cera has a paper heart.

Kevin: Okay, so you’re saying that since Coach Taylor is a grown man, physically strong, and known for coming up with winning strategies, he’d prevail. I agree with you on his strengths but you’re overlooking something. Coach’s main function, his reason for being, even more than winning, is molding vulnerable young boys into men. Boys like Cera! Coach would be far too distracted trying to save this kid to successfully defeat him He’d leave himself open. He’d leave that heart open. That sad turtle demeanor of Cera’s would melt him.

Liana: Hmm, good point. However, to that point, look at Coach Taylor. Just look at him. Who could harm a man like that? Cera, however, is eminently punchable. I’d whack him. His other two hims would whack him.

Kevin: No, they’d be united in their mopery, you have to concede that. They’re all they have in this world!

Liana: Coach Taylor is swift and strong and able, whereas Michael Cera’s deficiencies will be multiplied when there are three of them. They’ll trip over each other.

Kevin: I’d say that constantly being reminded of those deficiencies by two clones mirroring your every flailing gesture would cause you to focus and man up, at least slightly.

Liana: However, the intimidation factor of being up against Coach Taylor would make them crumble. They are not strong-willed, these Ceras.

Kevin: Every time he got them on the ropes, he’d start to pity them, instead of finishing them off he’d order them to go do wind sprints until they sweat through their pastel hoodies. During which time they’d recover. He’d literally be training them to defeat him.

Liana: I think you’re underestimating Coach Taylor’s toughness in the name of necessity. He can be cruel to those boys on his team and he’d be cruel to the Ceras.

Kevin: Three on one is tough odds. If we were talking about two Michael Ceras? No contest, Coach chalks up another victory Dillon Panthers-style. But not three.

Liana: Three Michael Ceras maybe could bench press three ladybugs.

Kevin: Unfortunately for that logic, this isn’t a “can three Michael Ceras bench press three lady bugs?” debate. We are still doing that later though, right?

Liana: Ladybugs vs. caterpillars; it’ll be riveting.

Kevin: Look, I’m not even saying all three Ceras live. In the end, Two Ceras lie dead near a wounded Coach as he whispers some last inspirational words to a squirrel he mistakes for his beloved Matt Saracen, while a lone, queasy and vomiting Cera stands over him. Victorious.

Liana: No, no, no. They’re one entity. They all die together or live together. Otherwise it’s not a victory.

Kevin: What? Is that a new rule

Liana: No, how is that a new rule?

Kevin: Are they physically bonded? Or you mean technicality wise?

Liana: Technicality – you can’t kill off two and still win. Or maybe you can, I don’t know how death works.

Kevin: So all Coach has to do and stop one and he’s got the win? Then, I gotta say, I lean towards Coach. I really would love for him to win. He knows how to come from behind… I just don’t know if he’d have enough in him.

Liana: I think his own worst enemy here is himself. If he can get over himself, he’ll win. So really, it’s a battle between Coach Taylor and Coach Taylor.

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Hot Shot: Levi Johnston’s Book Cover, Y’all

Liana Maeby — Wed, 11 May 2011 19:45:42 +0000

Levi Jonston‘s book cover looks like the one-sheet for a wacky, fun-filled 80s movie: Levi and his friends just want to have fun while they still can, skateboarding on the roof and ditching math class to throw Orange Juliuses at the geeks who sit in the corner of the food court — but uh oh, Levi went and got the governor’s daughter pregnant! How will he get out of it? And will his totally tubular Pac-Man score suffer in the process? Directed posthumously by John Hughes.

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5 Perks Of ‘The Perks Of Being A Wallflower’ Adapation

Drew Grant — Fri, 11 Feb 2011 16:40:16 +0000

There are a couple high-school experiences everyone remembers. Their first kiss. Prom (or not going to it). The time they blew up a car in a ditch…no wait, that only happened on Skins. But we all remember reading Stephen Chbosky‘s coming-of-age novel The Perks Of Being A Wallflower in high school and thinking “This is totally my life.” And while there is an argument to be made against turning every piece of nostalgia into a film, we totally think that the upcoming movie adaptation of this quintessentially pre-emo book will be beloved by hipsters as much as the source material was.

1. Good soundtrack: Perks of Being a Wallflower had multiple “mix tapes” scattered throughout that included our introduction to the Smith’s song “Sing me to sleep.” The movie won’t even need to create it’s own music…just go by the guidelines set forth by the novel.

2. Chbosky Doing The Adaptation: It’s hard to screw up the original book when the author is the one turning it into a screenplay.

3. Summit Entertainment Knows A Thing Or Two About Producing Teen Films: These are the same guys who did Twilight, remember, which was also a first-person narrative told in a diary-like format. Just like perks!

4. We Believe In Emma Watson: Post-Hermione, we’re expecting to see some real talent from the actress in the upcoming year, and as the ephemeral Sam, Watson is already creating huge buzz.

5. America Needs A Good Cry: After Toy Story 3 and Where The Wild Things Are were forced to take on the nation’s need to cry like a little baby while watching children’s stories, maybe this will be the year we finally start sniffling the dark tears of adolescent pain?

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Crushable Books: Excerpts Of ‘A Shore Thing’ By Snooki

Drew Grant — Tue, 04 Jan 2011 17:24:17 +0000

Much ado has already been made about today’s release of A Shore Thing, the second book to be ghostwritten for a member of the Jersey Shore. Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino’s Guide To Creeping On Chicks at least made sense as a smart marketing opportunity, despite the fact that we doubt The Sitch is capable of spelling “guido.”

With A Shore Thing though, we had to ask who the intended audience for a novel written by Snooki Polizzi would be. Especially since the entire book is so uncomfortably visceral. The answer is obvious though: this book was clearly written for us.

Though there is a snowball’s chance in hell that Snooki actually wrote this thing, it is an extremely entertaining story about Gia and her friend Bella (there’s also an Edward in here, because why create names when you can just go through Twilight?) and their time on the shore. There’s sharks, gorillas, and juice-heads! There’s also a lot of talk about farting. And “crispy wangs.” In fact, the book is extremely descriptive with every bodily function, something that will doubtlessly provide entertainment to all the fans who turn in to MTV’s hit show every week for their dose of schadenfreude hard-on.

We included our favorite samples after the jump.

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Liana Maeby — Mon, 03 Jan 2011 16:40:37 +0000

Read some choice excerpts from Snooki’s novel, out Friday – “In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A fart slipped out. A loud one. And stinky.” And so on. Pulitzer! (NY Post)

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Liana Maeby — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 17:15:08 +0000

Justin Bieber wrote a book – It’s a contemplative novel about a World War II veteran coming to terms with the modern world. Juuust kidding, it’s a tell-all about his life. (OMG)

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Suggested Chapter Titles For Snooki’s Novel

Liana Maeby — Thu, 30 Sep 2010 15:59:56 +0000

What’s that incessant wailing? Why, it’s the sound of a million creative writing majors weeping. That’s right, while the rest of us have resigned ourselves to rolling calls at Random House, Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi has landed herself a book deal. The novel, tentatively called A Shore Thing, will tell the story of a young guidette looking for love on the boardwalk.

This is certainly surprising news coming from the woman who tweeted she was reading the very first book of her life earlier this year (do they not have lit classes in Marlboro?), Nicholas Sparks’ Dear John. Next up, Tolstoy! We thought we’d help Snook out by offering some chapter titles for the JS star’s debut:

1. Princess of Poughkeepsie
2. DTF
3. Nice Juiced Hot Tanned Guy
4. DTL(ove)
5. I Can’t See Any Ice Creams, I Can’t See Any Customers, Cuz I’m a F*ckin’ Smurf

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Jessica Alba’s “Skinny B*tch”

Gilad — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 20:28:45 +0000

Jessica Alba was spotted holding a copy of the diet book Skinny Bitch last week. Looks like she even got it on sale at B&N. Do you think Jessica even needs to any skinnier? Or would you rather her be more of a bitch?

Back in August, when Victoria Beckham picked up the book, sales rose 37,0000 percent! Maybe sales will go up now that Alba has it too.

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