However, I do possess one unique talent: I seem to attract various family members of semi-famous people. I blame it on the fact that for awhile in 1998, during the first year of That ’70s Show, I somehow was under the mistaken belief that I was Ashton Kutcher’s cousin. This was before Ashton was Ashton, remember, he was just some dude on this Fox comedy. But my mom passed by the TV one day while it was on, pointed to Kelso, and went “Hey, is that your second-cousin’s kid? It sure looks like him, and he was going to be an actor.” Now despite the fact that I later learned differently, I went around for many, many years bringing up the fact that I was distantly related to Ashton Kutcher. “Look at my features!” I would say, pivoting to a profile, “We basically have the same face!” And in my freshman year of college, when I dated someone who got a lot of Ashton-comparisons, I would always mention off-hand how weird it was, to be screwing a guy who looked so much like my famous cousin.

So yes, I guess this is karma. The fact that the closest to celebrity stories I’ll get is that I hung out with Huey Lewis‘ son while drunk, or that Moby’s brother bummed a cigarette off me (I made him pay a dollar first), or – and ironically this is the one I can’t namedrop because he’s a friend  – the sibling of an NBC sitcom star who is the only person who will still talk ad nauseam about Lost with me, is the perfect cosmic justice. For someone who wanted to know famous people so badly she spent all of her teenage years pretending she was related to one, now I get to meet the people for whom this is actually the case. Maybe one day, they’ll introduce me to their family. But I doubt it.

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Crushable Confessional: I'm Starstruck By Celebrities' Families

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Wondering What Stars Will Look Like In 20 Years?

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• “I went to Little Pete from Nickelodeon’s The Adventures Of Pete and Pete’s house. His name is Danny Tamberelli. He went to Hampshire College with a bunch of my friends. He was having a big party at his apartment on Avenue C. I got really drunk and climbed on top of his refrigerator, and then I called my sister because she’s like the hugest fan of Pete and Pete. And he got on the phone with her and he was really drunk and they talked for 20 minutes. He kept repeating, “Thank you! No, thank YOU!”
• “My friend got invited to a party through a friend and he opens up the door and it’s Haley Joel Osment sitting there. I don’t know if he was wearing a bathrobe or a kimono or something — but he was wearing no shoes, throwing this big party. My friend got kind of flustered and started apologizing for showing up uninvited. And then Haley Joel Osment cut him off saying, “It’s cool man, there’s beer in the fridge. Mi casa es su casa.”
• “Once I met to this party at Moby’s house at the El Dorado in the Upper West Side. Moby was selling his massive Penthouse because he felt guilty about being rich, and wanted to move back downtown. This was his moving-out party, and it was bizarre for many reasons: First, Moby was music on his iPod that you’d think someone like Moby would perceive as being uncool. Stuff like ‘Sweet Home Alabama.’ We were all in shock. Then, there was a performance artist named Man-gina who took off all his clothes and climbed on a tall spire on Moby’s rooftop. (My friend Ray was horrified, and a couple weeks later, spotted a clothed Mangina on the streets). Josh Charles was there with his ballerina girlfriend, and Jeremy Sisto showed up with Anthony Anderson from Law and Order. Anthony hugged me. Jeremy disappeared to party on one of Moby’s many terraces and my friend immediately left my side to go find him. Stalky! Meanwhile, I looked over at Moby who was surrounded by three hipster girls and manning the classic-rock music blaring from his iPod. All I could think was, Moby’s got mad game. (I mean, Natalie Portman? Really?).
• “Joan River’s Christmas Party — Phil Spector pulled out a gun. I was sort of drunk and in disbelief. Don’t remember exactly.”

Do you have any rando encounters at celebrities’ homes? Tell us in the comments! There are more legendary stories to go around, and wanna hear ‘em!

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Celebrities Are Just Like Us! They Have Weird Parties.

• One man’s epic quest to get pubic lice. Uh… (Nerve)

• If you ever wanted to see what’s up Lea Michele’s skirt, you probably should have gone to the Glee live show. And brought a camera. (Egotastic)

• You think it’s easy to give a passionate kiss with a thousand cameras clicking away? Not really, but it’s still fun to vote on which celebs shared the most awkward smooch. (PopEater)

• Can men be plus-sized models as well? Well, depends: How many times has Seth Rogen graced the cover of GQ or Details? (Jezebel)

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Sex On The Wire: Summer Crabs

• Gallery: The world’s ugliest swimsuits (just in time for Memorial Day).
• What’s your marital status? Tell the world with a T-shirt.
• Forget the cougar. Meet the calico.
• 10 heartbreakingly beautiful things for under $10.
• “Single Rings” — or “Divorce Diamonds“?
• eBay’s 9 weirdest celebrity auctions.
• Best headline ever: Fitness For Your Vagina.
• The in your box: Julianne Moore butchering a Boston accent on 30 Rock.
• Love among the ruins: What happens when you take stress out on your partner?
• Design: bring back the tea kettle.

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Best Of TheGloss: The Top 10 Posts Of The Week

For Saldana, not even taking into account her appearance as a blue alien in the biggest blockbuster movie of all time, Avatar, she has another appearance on her resume that will always endear her to people I surround myself with: She was in Star Trek. It’s a rule: Any actress who appears in a Star Trek or Star Wars film will always be held in high regard (eg Carrie Fisher, Natalie Portman) — at least by the vocal male population that uses the Internet as their sounding board. Is Kim Cattrall a sex symbol because she played Samantha on Sex and the City? No. It’s because she played Valeris in Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country.

What does that say about us as a society, though? Nothing much, except guys who like Star Wars and Star Trek will worship any girl who’s willing to enter that world, paycheck or not. That’s still a more respectable attitude than guys who are drawn toward celebrities whose looks are good for (ahem) private arousal — Olivia Munn, Brooklyn Decker — than any real substance. These are probably the guys to stay away from unless you’re a girl who is attracted to Ian Ziering, then, it’s probably a good fit. The good news is that this particular brand of male is too busy playing flip cup right now, anyway. (Or, as Wikipedia tells me, the game can also just be called “cup.” Which was, I had thought, a fake card game made up by Chandler Bing.)

Speaking of Friends, Jennifer Aniston played Rachel but will always be tied less to her co-stars — Courteney Cox and Lisa Kudrow — than to a woman she has never shared a screen with, Angelina Jolie. To a guy, Aniston represents not, as she does to females, the jilted former wife of Brad Pitt who we pity. For guys, she represents everything Jolie is not: Attractive yet approachable; ordinary, but in a good way; not attempting, in her own mind, to save the world; and, most notably, not once married to Billy Bob Thornton. These are all things guys will find attractive. She is everywoman for the common man. The laid-back, cool chick. Which is ironic, because at the height of Friends’ popularity, Aniston was perceived as the opposite of all these things. Aniston hasn’t changed. It’s just the male perspective of her has changed when directly compared with the eccentric Jolie. Is this fair? Probably not. But she doesn’t seem to be complaining.

There are certain actresses who carry a sense of just-out-of-reach unattainability to their persona. A persona that opens up the adventurous side of the male personality that could encourage a guy to either (a) sing The Pixies during karaoke or (b) cover Stillwater on tour for Rolling Stone. At one time this was Audrey Hepburn; today this would be Zooey Deschanel. Guys who love Deschanel aren’t in love with her, they’re in love with the idea of her. This is dangerous. These are guys looking for an excuse to chase their wildest dreams. Unfortunately, it never ends with catching their dreams. It usually ends with him sobbing, on the F Train ride home from Brooklyn, asking himself why it didn’t work out and why she wants you to really listen to the lyrics of “Nothing Better” by The Postal Service. (Damn you,  Ben Gibbard!)

Then there’s the confusing cases of Anne Hathaway and Maggie Gyllenhaal. Two enigmas when it comes to this question. Hathaway seems to have found a niche in the gay community but, for some reason, isn’t mentioned much as a straight male’s celebrity fantasy. Which is odd, but not completely surprising. Based on the roles she has played, there’s never been one that — like Deschanel in (500) Days of Summer — sparks the emotional epicenter of the male psyche. Or, maybe, considering her popularity in the gay community, no insecure straight male wants to openly admit to his attraction. Fearing the inevitable “You like the girl from The Devil Wears Prada?” questions which lead directly to “Wait, you’ve seen The Devil Wears Prada?”

Gyllenhaal, for her part, is the unchallenged queen of the love her/hate her debate. No actress is more polarizing for really no reason. Half the people I know claims she made The Dark Knight better, taking over for Katie Holmes; the other half feels she almost ruined it by just being there. How to tell these two camps apart, in my opinion? Her detractors are more likely to be in that flip cup line, renewing their Maxim subscriptions while Gyllenhaal’s defenders are possibly, right now, and even more annoyingly, sitting at their computers, just like me, writing pieces just like this one.

Mike Ryan is an entertainment writer who contributes to New York magazine, Vanity Fair, AOL’s Moviefone and Yahoo News, among other outlets. He lives in New York.

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One Guy's Opinion: Why Zoe Saldana Rules and Angelina Jolie Drools

Jersey Shore’s Ronnie and Sammi break up; this time forever, this time for good! (Radar Online)

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Ronnie and Sammi Break Up; Things Get Ugly