Dressed in all gold with her glasses of champagne, Heidi was basically a walking Emmy statue — except instead of holding up the world, she was just trying to hold up her own head. How can someone get this drunk if they know cameras are around? It defies all logic.

Spencer Pratt totally has earplugs in here. Good move, Spencer Pratt.

(via The Superficial)

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• Jessica Simpson: drunk swaying or professional dancing? (Celeb Dirty Laundry)

• Julia Roberts and her hubby enjoyed a romantic moment on the beach while in Kaui. (Have U Heard)

• KISS pulled from the performance list for Michael Jackson tribute tour. (Hollywood Hiccups)

• Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock on a hike with baby Louis. (Have U Heard)

• Gwyenth Paltrow may be considering plastic surgery. (Celeb Dirty Laundry)

• Hugh Grant with his new expensive Ferrari (Lainey Gossip)

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In college, this is considered somewhat acceptable. But of course, as with anything, there are rules – and they differ from what’s considered okay outside of a college campus. For adult life, I assume there are rules as to how drunk one may get at an office holiday party vs. on vacation vs. out to dinner with friends. But there are different rules for college and I think, anthropologically speaking or something, they are kind of interesting. In no way do I condone binge drinking (it’s a problem, actually), but genuinely, from a sociological standpoint I think these norms are pretty fascinating.

[Finally, I am not providing metrics here, because it's different for everyone and also because unless you are exclusively drinking beers from a can, I think everyone is wrong about "one drink" is and no one in the history of colleges or elsewhere has ever consciously measured the ounces of vodka they are consuming.]

Anyway, on to the good stuff:

The first kind of drunk that college students experience is bar drunk. Bars are usually only half-dark, in that they have the lights on enough that you can’t be a slobbering fool. Also, the point of bars is to consume drinks (which is not the point of clubs) and usually the procurement of said drinks in bars is fairly easy. Usually, people are pretty conscious of the amount of consumption in the bar, because drinks are purchased and poured by bartenders – not into plastic red cups with reckless abandon. You may act silly, but you do not “black out” at a bar.

Then there is lights out/club drunk, which means it is dark enough that people really start to act like fools. At events taking place in a nightclub or otherwise dark venue (fraternity basement, warehouse, whatever), also, it’s usually harder to access drinks. And said drinks tend to be sketchy punches that no one wants to imbibe. Thus, drinks are frequently consumed before the fact, resulting in accidental excess. Also, people forget what the hell is going on when the lights are off.

Another kind of drunk is hanging out/sitting on the couch drunk. This usually involves beers, glasses of wine, laziness, and television. It is similar to adult drunk. Usually embarrassing situations do not result. Dance parties may occasionally ensue.

Probably the worst kind of drunk is house party/frat party with the lights on drunk. This would be known as freshman drunk. This is what they portray in movies, and really good TV shows like Greek. In the background, people are playing beer pong and flip cup. People are wearing backwards caps. Kegstands are practiced, mostly for effect. The dancing is awkward. One or two underclassmen are noticeably the drunk people, and they are ridiculed.

A rare kind of drunk is formal event drunk, which is sort of a combination of the above drunk. Think date parties, holiday parties, “crush” parties, whatever. Usually formal events provide an open bar or a cheap cash bar. People range from tipsy to drunk. Usually things start out pretty tame, getting progressively sloppier as the hours march on. Some people feel uncomfortable and go home.

Finally, when the appropriate age comes around, there is with parents drunk, which is otherwise known as, a half a glass of red or a beer with Dad should do the trick.

[Photo via Thinkstock]

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You know how alcoholics say that St. Patty’s Day is for amateurs? That’s how I feel about people who like to party on Halloween and New Years. Like I need a reason to put on a panda outfit and make out with hot guys? Please, give me some credit. If you’re still banking on this holiday – which is worse than Halloween because it is seemingly defined by throngs of people – as the one time of year to definitely get to second base, then you seriously need a life reassesment in my opinion.

Because the problem with New Years Eve is that it’s literally a ticking clock, counting down and reminding us how little time we have as we rush from one party to the next. Like Halloween, everyone you know will be at some other, cooler party, and you’ll have only 45 minutes to find a way across town before the streets explode with drunken revelers. You’ll get to that party only to find the cute guy you like didn’t even bother showing up, though the text you get from him at 2 a.m. which reads “haai babey, want 2 make out?” will confirm that nothing at all is going to be different this year.

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RIP drunk, melty snowmen.

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Can you think of anyone more moral and upstanding than Santa Claus? He’s totally selfless and jolly, and he’s even willing to work on Christmas. But sometimes even santa gets drunk. We spiked the Christmas Eve eggnog just to see the hilarious results.

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9. The friend that brings the party: Look, you want to know where the cool kids are doing, and your social butterfly buddy has all the right hookups. Sure she can be a little annoying with all her name-dropping and stories about how nuts last night was over at Sigma Cappa Delta, but luckily she’ll never overstay her welcome because she had somewhere else to be like, an hour ago.

10. The friend you would do anything for: Off the record, do you know who you should really be hanging out with? The people who you care about, and who care about you. Who cares what they’re good at or how they can help you: if you guys have fun together, then screw those other faux-friends and spend a night with your real buddy.

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Thank god there’s is someone else on-board: A young woman who introduces herself with “Is this news to anybody?” and ends with “Ive done my own study, it’s called waking up the next day.” Hi, new best friend!

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

I just love how much this is a non-study. “We went to a bar, where some people were drunk, and measured if they hit on less attractive chicks as they got more hammered.” And she is all “That is not a study.” Perfect. All news should be like this.

Twenty bucks says the two correspondents ended up going out for drinks after this aired and totally boned.

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