Crushable » golden globes

Dear Michael Fassbender: We Get That You Have A Penis And It’s Spectacular

Amanda Chatel — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 18:58:38 +0000

In case you haven’t heard Michael Fassbender is a man. As biology and anatomy classes have taught us, this means he has a penis. Women have vaginas, men have penises and then there are eunuchs; Fassbender is not a eunuch.

It was all the full frontal nudity in Shame that made the actor’s penis the talk of the town this past year. It was hard (pun!) to go anywhere without someone commenting on his, well, manliness.

In November our new favorite celebrity penis joined MTV’s After Hours host Josh Horowitz on his show where Fassbender showed that even outside of his own junk, he’s well acquainted with the junk of others and can easily identify fellow celebrity penises. He was shown photos of other actors who pulled a full monty and was only stumped once. Like we said, the man knows dick (pun!).

Then came the Golden Globes where in George Clooney‘s long (pun!) acceptance speech for his Best Actor in a Motion Picture Drama award, he included a very complimentary shout out to fellow nominee Fassbender.

“I would like to thank Michael Fassbender for taking over the frontal nude responsibly that I had,” he said. “Really Michael, honestly, you can play golf like this with your hands behind your back,” he continued, mocking a golf swing with his hands behind back. “Go for it man, do it!”

Actually, the Golden Globes were full of a decent amount of penis jokes, because if we’re not talking cock, then we’ve lost all sense of ourselves.

Last night on the Late Show with David Letterman, Fassbender was at it again. In a playful retaliation to his A Dangerous Method co-star Viggo Mortensen, who told Letterman last week that Fassbender hops on one leg repeatedly in preparation for a scene, Fassbender went the penis route of course! He told Letterman that when Mortensen prepares for a scene he sits in the corner naked eating — wait for it — a banana. Get it? Penis? Banana?

So dearest Michael, we get it; we really do. You have a penis and it’s large and amazing and you’re probably being propositioned by women left and right because of it. Good for you. But can we please move on to another topic? How about your ass? That might be a nice change of pace and no one has put nearly enough focus on that part of your body. Frankly at the end of the day, a dick is a dick is a dick is a dick — or so I’ve been told.

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Elton John And His Husband Aren’t Happy With Madonna’s Golden Globe Win

Molly Horan — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 16:10:35 +0000

There are sore losers and ungracious winners, but what would Elton John’s pre-Golden Globes attack on Madonna’s award prospects make him? Not psychic, apparently, because Madge did go home with a Globe for best original song in a motion picture despite the fact Elton insisted there was no “f**kin’ chance” she could win.

More unrest over Madonna’s win came from another member of team Elton during the ceremony, his husband David Furnish. Taking his rage to the net David put the eloquently phrased, “Madonna. Best song???? F**k off!!!” on his Facebook page.

While Madonna’s winning song “Masterpiece” from W.E, a movie she co-wrote and directed, doesn’t sound like a work of genius, Elton John was nominated for a so-so tune from the poorly received Gnomeo & Juliet. It’s not like Madonna was robbing him of his globe from The Lion King.

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David tried to further articulate his problems with Madonna grabbing the globe, writing on Facebook, “Madonna winning Best Original Song truly shows how these awards have nothing to do with merit. Her acceptance speech was embarrassing in it’s narcissism. And her criticism of Gaga shows how desperate she really is.”

Criticizing her speech suggests David might have more of a problem with Madonna herself than her work; you can accept the prom queen looks the best in her dress and still hate to see her wear the crown because of her nasty personality.

Defending Lady Gaga also suggests there might be something else in play besides David’s musical taste or even loyalty to his husband; loyalty to a friend.

Whatever the reason behind Elton and David’s anger, Madonna has a new trophy for her mantel, while they’ll be left refreshing Facebook to see how many of their friends like their indignation.

Update: Better hope Elton doesn’t want to make a Kate Middleton/Prince William movie, because that’s reportedly Madge’s next big project.

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The Best Of Ricky Gervais At The 2012 Golden Globes

Natalie Zutter — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 05:40:16 +0000

Even though NBC promoted Ricky Gervais as “the host we can’t control,” the Hollywood Foreign Press Association clearly dictated that Gervais’ Golden Globes monologue (and other jokes) would be markedly less mean-spirited than last year. Instead of making the awards show a cringefest by attacking nominees with too-true jokes, he went for easy targets. And honestly, we liked it. Some highlights from his opening speech:

“So… where was I? Nervous? Don’t be. This isn’t about you.”
“You get Britain’s biggest comedian, hosting the second-biggest awards show on America’s third biggest network. It’s four? It’s fourth.”
“For those of you who don’t know, the Golden Globes are just like the Oscars—without all that esteem. The Golden Globes are to the Oscars what Kim Kardashian is to Kate Middleton. Bit louder, bit trashier, bit drunker, and more easily bought… allegedly, nothing’s been proved.”
“[Eddie Murphy] walked away from the Oscars, and good for him. But when the man who said yes to Norbit says no to you, you know you’re in trouble.”
“Eddie Murphy and Adam Sandler, between the two of them, played all the parts in The Help.”
“[The Hollywood Foreign Press] actually gave me a list of rules… No profanity; that’s fine, I’ve got a huge vocabulary. No nudity; see, that’s a shame ’cause I’ve got a huge… vocabulary, but a tiny penis. No smut or innuendo, and I’m not to libel anyone. And I mustn’t mention Mel Gibson this year: Not his private life, his politics, his recent films, and especially nto Jodie Foster‘s beaver. I haven’t seen it myself. I speak for a lot of blokes here when I say I haven’t seen it, but that doesn’t mean it’s not good.” (Check out Jodie’s reaction, and many other great ones, in our gallery!)
“A marriage that lasted 72 days… I’ve sat through longer James Cameron acceptance speeches!”
Regarding the Justin Bieber paternity test: ”What a waste of a test! The only way he could have impregnated a woman is if he borrowed Martha Stewart‘s turkey baster.”

Here’s the whole video:

Our favorite joke might’ve been his smirking jab at Johnny Depp when he asked if Johnny — who had fallen so low that he had to work with Gervais on the reality show Life’s Too Short – if he had seen his own lackluster film The Tourist. Johnny’s response? “Uh, no.” Zing!

Something Ricky does well is incite celebrities to try their hand at equally biting retorts. Some of our favorites included Antonio Banderas‘ rapidfire Spanish rant — we’re trying to track down a translation — and this gem from Best Song winner Madonna:

If I’m still just like a virgin, Ricky, why don’t you come over here and do something about it? I haven’t kissed a girl in a few years…on TV.”

This, right after he ran away from her:

It seemed as if 2012 has a humbler, but still smirking, Ricky Gervais. We’ll be curious to see if the HFPA thinks his barbs this year were acceptable enough to make 2013 his fourth year of hosting.

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The Best Celebrity Reaction Shots From The 2012 Golden Globe Awards

Natalie Zutter — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 04:27:21 +0000

The best part of having Ricky Gervais host the Golden Globes again: His jokes, good or bad, garnered some pretty great reactions from the audience. In turn, he inspired many of the presenters to try their own hands at humor, which worked better since they’re actually friends with the other stars. We’ve got Jodie Foster being a good sport during the monologue, Tina Fey photobombing Amy Poehler, and George Clooney making a joke about Michael Fassbender‘s penis. (Yep, it was that kind of night.) So check out our gallery!

The ones I missed: Melissa McCarthy crying during Octavia Spencer‘s thank-you speech, and Queen Latifah and Mary J. Blige‘s pissed-off reactions to Madonna’s win.

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Questionable Choices: Zooey Deschanel’s Tuxedo Nails

Meghan Keane — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 04:12:41 +0000

Zooey Deschanel walked into this evening’s Golden Globes ceremony as a quirky television neophyte with a lot of award nominations. But her show The New Girl left without winning any awards. And tomorrow around the internets, she is likely to get some flack for a hairstyle that was clearly meant as some sort of homage to cute 1960s style, but was interpreted more like misbegotten sideburns. But her nails are another story. They’re kind of awesome. But are they too kitschy for a formal occasion? Hmnn. Unclear.

Here is the hairstyle that tended toward a bit of a sideburn look:

The look was not well received on Twitter. Combined with the nails, it’s definitely a…look?

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So Many Mermaid Dresses On The Golden Globes Red Carpet

Meghan Keane — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 03:39:23 +0000

Tonight is The Golden Globes. Which means all of the actresses and stylists in Hollywood pull out their best dresses that they’re not reserving for Oscar night. And for some reason, a lot of ladies donned sparkling dresses that flared out at the bottom. These are known commonly as “mermaid gowns.” Or also, dresses that most normal women should never ever wear.

And so, the actresses of Hollywood are sending wreckage down the fashion pipeline this season for many helpless young women who request an awesome sparkly, feathery concoction like Evan Rachel Wood‘s above. (Though, if they do that, their moms will probably be happier than the Reese Witherspoon gown in the gallery below.)

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Peter Dinklage Shouts Out Dwarf Tossing Victim Martin Henderson At The Golden Globes

Meghan Keane — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 02:28:02 +0000

Peter Dinklage won his first Golden Globe award tonight for his work on HBO’s Game Of Thrones. And after making the usual round of thanks and shouting out to his wife and new daughter, Dinklage told the audience he was thinking of his friend Martin Henderson in England. Who is this Martin Henderson? Dinklage gave instructions: Google it. So we did.

Martin is a 37 year-old British man who suffers from dwarfism. He was recently enjoying a cigarette outside of a pub in Sommerset when a “hooded thug” violently tossed him in the air. Because of the prank, he may spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair.

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You can see why Dinklage would have a soft spot for Henderson’s plight. Here’s how the Englishman describes what happened to him:

“I guess I was an easy target and the only reason I was picked on was because I am small.

“People’s attitudes to me when I go out can be pretty cruel. Most are OK but you get the odd idiot who will make fun and start laughing at me.

“You just have to ignore it but this is the first time I have been picked up and thrown about.”

Unfortunately, this incident was not a one time occurrence. After getting out of the hospital, Henderson was tossed again. He blames England’s rugby team, since they went to a ’dwarf-tossing’ competition at the World Cup in New Zealand.

Henderson is an aspiring actor and told the Telegraph he was worried that he wouldn’t get anymore jobs after acquiring all his tossing injuries. Considering that Dinklag just introduced him to a room full of industry insiders, maybe that will change soon.

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Celebrity Friends Dressed Alike At The 2012 Golden Globes

Natalie Zutter — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 02:17:21 +0000

I was prepared to make a gallery dedicated to the headbands and other headwear at the 2012 Golden Globes, but only three women were wearing sparkly headbands. However, when I realized that two of the three — sorry, Charlize Theron – were friends, I figured a different post was in order.

The above photo of Michelle Williams and Busy Phillips has been popping up on various Tumblrs because of how sweet it is that the two friends both decided to try and start a trend on the red carpet. The two first met when they played bad girls Jen and Audrey on Dawson’s Creek almost fifteen years ago, and they’ve stayed in touch since. Though Busy lives in LA, she rushed to New York to comfort Michelle after Heath Ledger’s death in 2008; and Michelle has brought Busy as her date to the Oscars in both 2005 and 2011. So it’s not surprising that they might’ve put their heads together (hah) when planning their outfits for the Globes.

Similarly, Madonna had something of a twin on the red carpet: Andrea Riseborough, the star of Madge’s new movie W.E. and someone who the performer now counts as a dear friend. Andrea recently saidof their director-actor relationship, “She is so supportive and prepared, as well as very instinctive. She devotes her entire artistic life to it. Plus she is so much fun. That’s the other thing about Madonna, she’s wonderful fun. Yes, we are friends now.”

Although their dresses were vastly different colors, the cuts were incredibly similar… especially when Madonna won for Best Song (“Masterpiece”) and Andrea stood up to applaud her on her walk to the stage.

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Why So Much Unbrushed Hair At The People’s Choice Awards?

Amanda Chatel — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 04:23:06 +0000

Overall the People’s Choice Awards 2012 were relatively boring. The highlight was all that unbrushed hair. We’re not knocking women who choose to wear their hair down, but if you’re going to do so, then at least brush it. We’re not being picky, we’re just being rational. FYI: brushes are your friends.

We get that the awards at this particular ceremony are chosen by “the people,” but how that’s any less important than the Golden Globes or Oscars is a mystery. An awards show is an awards show. So ladies, like for real, do your hair! Brushes and hair product are really cheap–we promise.

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Zooey Deschanel Just Announced She Will Be Hosting SNL On February 11th

Amanda Chatel — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 22:35:22 +0000

Oh, that Zooey Deschanel. You either love her or you hate her. You either find her quirkiness charming or it’s a level of pain on all your senses that you just wish she’d disappear already. Too bad for the latter crowd, because Zooey is on something of a hot streak and isn’t going anywhere.

And because it wasn’t enough that she and her new show The New Girl were nominated for Golden Globes (putting her in a category with such comedy greats like Tina Fey and Amy Poehler), she just announced via Twitter that she’ll be hosting Saturday Night Live on February 11th. She will be joined by music guest Karmin, who according to their Twitter account, make “swag pop.”

Zooey has come a long way since her days in such indie films as All the Real Girls and Mumford. She has slowly but steadily made her way to primetime television and although it got off to a rocky start, The New Girl has won the hearts of both fans and critics the world over. In fact, the show debuted in Turkey this week and will be making its way to Australia on January 22nd. Aussies everywhere are rejoicing–or at least some of them.

Shockingly (or not so shockingly?), Zooey has a lot of haters, too. Gasp! There’s even a Facebook page called I Hate Zooey Deschanel. Who would do such a thing? Do they not love that quirkiness the rest of us find the most endearing thing since a box full of newborn bunnies? The page only has 304 “likes,” but still “hate” is an awfully strong word for the sweetness that is the Zooey. The girl married the lead singer of one of the cheesiest former indie bands of all time; if that isn’t as precious as a three-legged puppy eating a pink frosted cupcake, then nothing is.

So if you love Zooey then mark your calendars and begin your countdown to February 11th. It will be her first time hosting the show. Those of you on the other end of the spectrum should also mark your calendars. If you’re going to hate on someone, it’s important to be knowledgeable on the matter. And be honest, deep down a part of you sort of loves her, if not for her charm then at least for her impeccable wardrobe.

(photo via Twitter)

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