This episode could be reduced to a few simple questions like, “Where’s Blair?”  Or, “Have you seen Blair?” Or, “If you don’t tell me where Blair is, I’ll do something terrible to you.” Other than that, nothing happened. Nothing. When the reruns air, I’d change this episode’s title to: “Dan and Blair Sit Around in an Airport and then a Hotel While Other People Wonder Where They Are.” See, you read that and you don’t even need to watch. I just saved America 42 minutes. I hope that time’s used well. With that in mind, here’s this week’s power ranking for 5×14:

Related posts:

• Conspiracy Theory: Georgina Sparks Is A Gossip Girl, But Not The Gossip Girl
• Gossip Girl Power Ranking: ‘G.G.’
• Gossip Girl Power Ranking: ‘Father And The Bride’
• The 30-Year-Old Man’s Guide To Gossip Girl: ‘The End Of The Affair?’
• Questionable Choices: Blake Lively Was Basically Naked At Gossip Girl‘s 100th Episode Party

Post from: Crushable

That’s the promise that Gossip Girl gives us in every opening of the teen soap on The CW. But then the writers decided that they needed a stunt for last night’s 100th episode… and that’s how in the last twenty seconds we saw Georgina Sparks typing away merrily at the Gossip Girl blog after sabotaging Blair‘s wedding to Louis. As a fan of the books, I think this reveal wasn’t worth blowing their load on such a big secret, so I’m calling bullshit.

There’s an excellent fan theory detailed on Cracked.com: James Bond is not a single man, but a code name that many men have used over the decades in their work for the British government. It explains how he never ages, the different personalities of Bonds played by Roger Moore and Daniel Craig, and how there’s always a Bond fighting everything from Russians to 9/11 terrorists.

I believe that Gossip Girl is the same deal—a code name for in-the-know New Yorkers with exhaustive connections to tipsters and the capacity to write snarky copy. The site and its mission stays the same, but different characters take the mantle every so often depending on the needs of the site.

	Gossip Girl Power Ranking: ‘The Backup Dan’
	Gossip Girl Power Ranking: ‘G.G.’
	Penn Badgley Wore An Occupy Wall Street Shirt To Meet NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg
	Gossip Girl Power Ranking: ‘Father And The Bride’

After all, Serena van der Woodsen just spent the last few episodes of season 5 struggling with the idea of being “the next Gossip Girl” after she shuts down GG’s site but all the tipsters start sending her their photo and gossip blasts instead. (Bear with me, since I haven’t watched the show consistently since season 3 and I’ve been trying to play catch-up via Wikipedia. But I think I have that right.)

TVLine flat-out asked executive producer Josh Safran if Georgina has always been Gossip Girl. If it were the case, you’d think that he’d be relieved to finally put all his cards on the table; instead, he continued to play coy. Let’s look at the quotes:

• Georgina “has this role” now: The specific present tense adds to the above “code name” theory.
• She’s staying on for the near future to “get even more dirt and gossip… and cause so much more trouble”: This seems to speak more to Georgina’s vendetta against Blair and the other UES kids, as opposed to the larger scheme Gossip Girl had of breaking scandalous news.
• “You’re now invited into a process that for years you haven’t seen. Seeing just how Gossip Girl gets her tips and what she does to get her tips is really fun and a new thing”: For all we know, they’re setting it up so we meet GG’s various informants around the city, and whenever the producers and/or Michelle Trachtenberg are ready for her to leave, they’ll draw on one of these new underlings to be the next incarnation of GG.

Recall how Georgina’s big disguise to get into Blair’s wedding was an altar-boy outfit; that could be a nod to the fact that she’s merely Gossip Girl’s latest disciple. Furthermore, it would let us continue to entertain old theories that at one point in time GG was Eric van der Woodsen (who’s the TV version of gay Chuck in the books) and Vanessa Abrams.

The one consolation in this is that Kristen Bell will continue to voice GG from afar.

Related posts:

• Gossip Girl Power Ranking: ‘G.G.’
• Gossip Girl Power Ranking: ‘Father And The Bride’
• Questionable Choices: Blake Lively Was Basically Naked At Gossip Girl‘s 100th Episode Party
• The 30-Year-Old Man’s Guide To Gossip Girl: ‘The End Of The Affair?’

Post from: Crushable

Mayor Michael Bloomberg declared last Thursday “Gossip Girl Day” in honor of the show’s 100th episode. In celebration, I posted all my friend’s most embarrassing secrets on my blog and then slept with three of them in consecutive days. This is going to be the best new holiday since Thanksgiving! But let’s talk about another national event: Blair’s wedding to Louis, and the fact that the bride did not leave with the groom. Here’s this week’s power ranking:

Related posts:

• Gossip Girl Power Ranking: ‘Father And The Bride’
• The 30-Year-Old Man’s Guide To Gossip Girl: ‘The End Of The Affair?’
• The 30-Year-Old Man’s Guide To Gossip Girl: Riding in Town Cars with Boys
• The 30-Year-Old Man’s Guide To Gossip Girl: Rhodes to Perdition
• Penn Badgley Wore An Occupy Wall Street Shirt To Meet NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg

Post from: Crushable

Yesterday, New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg joined the cast of Gossip Girl on set to celebrate the series’ 100th episode “G.G.,” airing next Monday. Everyone got all dressed up while Bloomberg held up a proclamation declaring it “Gossip Girl Day” (aww, but what?) and a commemorative T-shirt.

I was ready for that to be the story, but there’s another T-shirt worth noting. BuzzFeed commenter Ashley Baccarn pointed out that Penn Badgley is wearing a “We Are the 99%” tee while he lounges next to the man who gave the order to break up the Occupiers in Zuccotti Park back in November 2011. Penn was one of the first celebrities to make an appearance, even holding up a sign that read Bring back the Glass-Steagall act! No to corporate greed! Awkward.

Also, where were Chace Crawford and Leighton Meester?

Related posts:

• Video: Penn Badgley’s First TV Role Was On Will And Grace
• Gallery: 25 Photos Of Penn Badgley On His 25th Birthday
• Penn Badgley Knows Nothing About How Gossip Girl Works Because He Thinks Blair And Dan Are Soulmates
• Gossip Girl‘s Penn Badgley Joins Occupy Wall Street
• Gossip Girl Power Ranking: ‘Father And The Bride’

Post from: Crushable

We’ve made some changes to our Gossip Girl recaps: Joshua Friesen will still be asking why there are so many parties and ragging on Penn Badgley in the way that made his “30 Year-Old-Man’s Guide to Gossip Girl” posts so funny. But now he’s adding in sports-inspired power rankings to keep you abreast of all the social intrigue on the show.

I love sports. I guess that’s no big surprise; I am a man in his (early) thirties, after all. Inspired by that love, I’ve adapted a common sports writing tool that allows me to bring a bit of quantitative analysis to the teen drama game: The power ranking. If you’re not familiar with the concept of a power ranking, it’s generally used to rank sports teams or athletes, how their performance rises and falls over time, and the reasons for any change.

Each week I’ll rank all the major characters and any minor characters that played an important role in the episode. With that out of the way, here’s the very first Gossip Girl Power Ranking:

Judging by the preview, it looks like next week is D-Day for Blair and Louis. Maybe we’ll see The Graduate all over again: Chuck banging on the church window, he and Blair making their escape on a passing bus, sitting in silence together as the full weight of their decision comes crashing down… Probably not. Knowing this show, they’ll just drag the wedding out over the next seven episodes. I guess we’ll see.

Related posts:

• The 30-Year-Old Man’s Guide To Gossip Girl: ‘The End Of The Affair?’
• The 30-Year-Old Man’s Guide To Gossip Girl: Riding in Town Cars with Boys
• The 30-Year-Old Man’s Guide To Gossip Girl: Rhodes to Perdition
• The 30-Year-Old Man’s Guide To Gossip Girl: All The Pretty Sources

Post from: Crushable

It’s good to be back! It feels like it’s been a thousand years since the last new episode. How was everyone’s holiday? Are you keeping your resolutions? No, you’re right. We should catch up later. There’s business to get to.

I try hard to be evenhanded about this show. I recognize it will never win an Emmy, and it’s not even really trying. It’s a frivolous soap opera that I enjoy dissecting, so when there’s a ridiculous plot turn, I try to take it in stride and not make a big deal about it, because in the end, this isn’t Shakespeare. That being said, this episode was terrible, easily the worst of the season. It was so awful, I don’t know where to start. I guess for clarity’s sake we’ll begin from the top.

Six weeks ago, we were left with Chuck lying in a hospital bed, at death’s door. As this episode opens, we see a healthy Chuck walking his dog in the rain, and before we’re able to process exactly what’s happening, he meets Louis and we learn Blair lost her baby (which I predicted several episodes back. I’m not bragging, except that I am), she and Louis have reunited, their wedding is back on, and she’s completely frozen Chuck out of her life. I feel robbed.

Basic television rules are being ignored here. When one of your principle characters is unconscious for any length of time (excluding sleep, of course), you’re required to reveal his inner turmoil and secret truths in the form of a coma dream. Usually these are thin allegories. Sometimes they’re more literal. If you’re The Sopranos, coma dreams become Finnegan’s Wake. Any one of these options is acceptable, but you don’t just skip months ahead. That’s not allowed.

Related posts:

• The 30-Year-Old Man’s Guide To Gossip Girl: Riding in Town Cars with Boys
• The 30-Year-Old Man’s Guide To Gossip Girl: Rhodes to Perdition
• The 30-Year-Old Man’s Guide To Gossip Girl: All The Pretty Sources
• The 30-Year-Old Man’s Guide To Gossip Girl: The Big Sleep No More
• The 30-Year-Old Man’s Guide To Gossip Girl: I Am Number 9

Post from: Crushable

A lovesick start-up employee posted a missed connection on Craigslist yesterday that describes in great detail the life he wishes to have with Gossip Girl star Leighton Meester. It’s the kind of semi-jokey proposal that you get the sense is secretly dead serious. See if you agree.

The text is as follows:

You are the beautiful brunette star of the popular CW series, “Gossip Girl.” I just got a poor haircut and work at an internet startup. Our lives intersected this morning on Rivington Street, as you prepared to act out a scene in front of ABC No Rio. Cameramen, handlers, producers, directors and also that one blonde-haired girl who is your fellow actor surrounded you, yet in the midst of all of that, you and I had time for a moment that I will never forget.

I was staring at you from a soot-covered window. To my surprise, you looked up at me and our eyes locked. I was terrified but instantly lovestruck. I stood my ground and waved to you. You waved back! For a moment, I saw the woman behind the character, not an entitled rich girl who hides her insecurities from the world, but a lovely, intelligent actress who has found so much success in life and manages to retain what made her so amazing in the first place.

I would have called out but that window hasn’t been replaced in decades, possibly more than ten and I can’t open it. I even tried after you left!

Here’s why I’m writing this letter: we’re missing out on a lifetime of memories.

The first date, after you first read the words I’m writing and think to yourself, “It’s adorable how slightly pathetic but earnest and cute this guy is. I’ve just dated one too many jerks from Hollywood, and this guy is just super earnest and romantic.” You give me your number and I nervously call you for the first time. My voice is shaky, and the call is dropped halfway through our banter. I ask you out on a date to a Mamoun’s Falafel. You think it’s charming how unfamiliar I am with the world of celebrity dating, and I find your down-to-earth personality and stunning beauty irresistible.

Our first kiss, after I mistake overgrown weeds on the wall by the school on Essex Street for a sprig of Mistletoe. The next week, I enter the whirlwind of your life, one day on the French Riviera, the next herding back paparazzi, and later, taking a backseat to let your inner radiance shine in front of the cameras because I know that nothing can come between us.

In the years that pass, our love deepens and we become more comfortable, watching each new episode of Gossip Girl with all of its labyrinthine twists and turns over a bowl of artisanal popcorn. As usual, Monday TV nights are a hallowed tradition spent at home, but we never fail to keep the relationship exciting. As you live out the life of the heiress of a fashion icon onscreen, your real life becomes more fulfilling and meaningful in ways that neither of us imagined.

We have children, they have children, and the show continues (Season 56, in which Lonely Boy becomes an emeritus professor of literature, and you reveal a decades-long affair with Jenny’s illegitimate son Walter is particularly engrossing). Yet your costars never quite manage to find what we have, and while they are happy for you, they are also sad that life didn’t have this in store for them.

I grow old, and begin wearing my trousers rolled (just kidding, I work on the LES, been doing that for yeears). We start an artist’s colony for actors and musicians (I’m a composer in my spare time, one of the things that initially endeared you to me), and live out the rest of our years happily until old age gives way to eternity, and time reclaims our bodies.

What are you doing tomorrow night? I thought you’d say that. What about Saturday night? Listen, my schedule is probably a bit more open than yours, so you tell me what works for you.

Send me a picture so I can be sure that it’s you.

xoxo,
Boy, Not-So-Lonely Anymore

My favorite parts are the part where he sort of disses Blake Lively to prove he only has eyes for Leighton, the part where he thinks Leighton will pick up on a reference to T.S Eliot, and the part where he thinks Dan Humphrey could hack it as a professor. Also, the part where he thinks that Mamoun’s has good falafel. Okay, my favorite part is all of it. He’s obviously mostly joking, but doesn’t it seem like he’s kind of leaving the door open just in case Leighton Meester might want to take him up on his offer? A truly satirical piece would be meaner (either to himself, or her) and funnier.

The Village Voice claims to know for a fact that the guy works at Kickstarter. Doesn’t he know you have to be in the armed forces or afflicted with cancer in order to publicly embarrass a celebrity into going on a date with you?

Then again, I can certainly see the appeal of holding out for a relationship with Leighton Meester, if only to get to say “hello, Mr. Meester!” when you meet her dad.

(Via Runnin’ Scared)

Related posts:

• Minka Kelly and Leighton Meester Have Another Thing in Common: Screw-Up Moms!
• Questionable Choices: Leighton Meester Play-Acts at Folk Singer
• Gallery: Leighton Meester’s ‘Nylon’ Party Looks Like It Was Super Fun
• Video: Leighton Meester Wants You To Stop Touching Her Sh*t

Post from: Crushable

Glee star Dianna Agron and Sebastian Stan (last seen in this summer’s Captain America) have split up, but did anyone know that they were dating? They lasted for about seven months but ultimately called things off, for a few possible reasons. Page Six thinks it was the long-distance relationship that did them in: Dianna shoots Glee in LA, while Sebastian is based in New York when he’s not on-location filming movies.

Or it could have been Dianna’s jealousy and worry that Sebastian would cheat on her with one of his pretty co-stars. After all, there are more photos of him and former Gossip Girl co-stars Blake Lively and Leighton Meester (his ex) than there are of him and Dianna.

We scrounged up the few existing shots of “Stangron,” as their Tumblr fans call them, for a look back at their low-key relationship.

Related posts:

• Breakup Gallery: A Look Back at Hayden Panettiere and Wladimir Klitschko’s Relationship
• A Look Back At Lea Michele And Theo Stockman’s Relationship
• A Look Back At Blake Lively And Leonardo DiCaprio’s Relationship
• Dianna Agron, Natalie Portman Among Celebs with Nude Photos Stolen

Post from: Crushable

At party number 5, Chuck and Blair end months of equivocating and realize what everyone else in the world already knows: they love each other and to fight that is pointless. But of course in teen drama land these characters must be flogged repeatedly, so not ten minutes after reuniting, their car is forced into a retaining wall by a pack of motorcycle- bound paparazzi and our new lovers end up in the emergency room, their futures very much in doubt. It’s funny how Chuck spent the first few episodes indulging his suicidal death wish in his grief over losing Blair, and as soon as he gets her, he winds up comatose (I’m assuming).

We should have all seen this coming, of course. As Chuck and Blair enter their town car on their way to meet their fate, we hear Gossip Girl quote Albert Camus, saying, “Life is the sum of all your choices.” When people start quoting Camus, bad things have just happened, bad things are currently happening, or bad things are about to happen. That’s just the way the world works. I know I’m hard on this show sometimes, but how many teen dramas name check French existentialists? Impressive stuff.

Speaking of Gossip Girl, there’s been a lot of reference this season to Gossip Girl as an actual human being rather than some inanimate website, and this is a shift as far as I can tell. Serena goes so far as to blame Gossip Girl for the accident and enlists Nate’s help in taking her down. She’s transformed from petty annoyance to outright enemy. f they continue in the course, the show will be attacking itself in a way. rom the start, the website was the show’s key conceit. ossip Girl served as narrator, and at times, a Greek chorus. Think of all the episodes that hinged on her cryptic text message blasts. If Serena is successful in her fight against Gossip Girl the person, and the site disappears, how does the show continue? ho will drop pithy rejoinders as the show exits to commercial? ho will quote Camus? aybe they bring Vanessa back for that.

Here’s another question to think about: what do the show’s writers think about gossip. Is it harmless or is it destructive? For five years, gossip has been the currency that fuels this show’s economy. Hero characters (Blair) use gossip as a tool the same way villain characters (Jenny) do, and the results are a mixed bag. Jenny was driven out of the city. Blair’s engaged to a prince. Gossip is celebrated here, reveled in, almost. Maybe the coming assault on Gossip Girl will be the writer’s definitive statement on gossip as a vice. If Gossip Girl is represented as an evil, her primary weapon must in turn be evil.

If I hear the show’s been picked up for a sixth and (I would guess) final season. There would be symmetry and closure if Gossip Girl were vanquished as the show concludes, but if that’s the plan, they’re getting an early start. have no idea where things are headed and we’ll have to wait until mid-January to find out. These mid-season finales are annoying, and I’m not convinced they’re a smart play. Six weeks is a lot of time for your audience of thirteen-year-olds to get distracted by the Internet. In the meantime, I’ll have to figure out something else to do with my Monday nights. Maybe I’ll start reading Kierkegaard.

Post from: Crushable

Writer #1: “We could kill off Dan. Then, you know, they’d all be at the funeral.”

Head Writer: [considering for a moment] “No, no, no. I mean, I hate Dan as much as anybody in this room, but he just started this new relationship with Alessandra. We gotta let that play out. They haven’t even had sex yet.”

Writer #3: “We could get them all in an airplane and then have it crash on an island. There could by a mysterious polar bear or something.”

Head Writer: “Look, Don. I know you wrote for Lost, and we’re all really impressed with that, but we can’t do that show over again. People would notice. I can’t keep telling you that.”

Writer #4: “Someone could throw a party.”

Writer #2: “We do that in every episode. Blair just had her bridal shower last week.”

Head Writer: “Barry, you know I love to party. I can’t keep telling YOU that. Now we just need a theme for this shindig…”

Writer #1: “How about Studio 54? We get everybody dressed up in 70’s gear. It’d be kitschy. The kids love kitsch.”

Head Writer: “Kids these days can’t even spell kitsch, but that doesn’t matter. I’m picturing Serena with Farrah hair. God, I loved Farrah. I miss her so much…” [stares off into the distance, tears gather in his eyes]

Writer #1: [Shifting uncomfortably] “We’ll, uh, we’ll get right on that one, boss.”

Head Writer: “One more thing, kid. At the party, make sure there’s a fondue pot. Farrah loved fondue.”

I’m a terrible person on the inside. I’m selfish, narcissistic, judgmental, impatient. You might not know that at first because I’m a good actor. The public identity I’ve created for myself is one that’s more socially acceptable. I moderate my opinions so as not to offend. I pretend to care about other people’s lives when all I can really think about is some girl who doesn’t like me as much as I think she should. I judge people harshly at times when they step out of line or make mistakes. And god help you if you take too much time in line in front of me. But despite my inner awfulness, I’m generally well -liked because I keep that garbage inside (for the most part) and project an image that’s more accommodating. So which is the real me? Is it the nasty person on the inside or the friendly, considerate person on the outside? Do our thoughts or our actions make us who we really are? This week, the Gossip Girl characters struggled with this question.

Who is Ivy Dickens? Is she the con woman looking to access the real Charlie Rhode’s trust fund? Or is she the loving cousin, niece, and granddaughter she’s been pretending to be? When she turns down Carol’s offer of money, and covers CeCe’s illness, she seems to be embracing the role she’s been playing for so long.

Who is Chuck Bass? Is he the charitable, Buddhist dog-lover who’s finally put his love for Blair behind him or is he secretly tormented by the thought of Blair marrying someone else. At the end of the episode he seems to reveal that everything has been an act, and that he loves Blair and probably always will.

Who is Nate Archibald? Is he a man independent of his family or is he an insecure, approval-seeking child? When he’s faced with the decision to report on a family member’s trouble, Nate acts like the honorable man he claims to be, toes a thin line between his integrity and his loyalty, and seems to make just the right play. Even garnering her grandfather’s respect in the end.

But not all projections are good. A few characters chose to put on a negative public face in hopes of short-term gain. CeCe allowed Ivy to cover for her by claiming her feinting spell was due to dieting rather than illness. Ivy claimed she was being blackmailed with a sex tape rather than reveal her true identity (I don’t have space to talk about the absurdity of sex-on-camera and starvation dieting being preferable images to illness and deceit, but it didn’t go unnoticed). Dan embraced his negative twitter feed when he learned the elaborate attempt at guerilla marketing was gaining him a bit of attention (interesting side-note: @IHateHumphrey is an actual twitter feed that’s been active for 45 days. Keep that one in mind for your next #ff).

All these characters made choices about what they would project to the world and how that projection would be framed, and many times the two did not match. If this show is true-to-life (and I think we can all agree it’s not), at some point their acts will wear thin, their façades will crumble, and their true thoughts will be manifest. I know that’s what happens with me. And it’s all I care to think about.

Related posts:

• The 30-Year-Old Man’s Guide To Gossip Girl: All The Pretty Sources
• The 30-Year-Old Man’s Guide To Gossip Girl: The Big Sleep No More
• The 30-Year-Old Man’s Guide To Gossip Girl: I Am Number 9
• The 30-Year-Old Man’s Guide To Gossip Girl: The Two Finger Rule

Post from: Crushable