This past weekend, former president Bill Clinton threw a gala to celebrate both his 65th birthday (which was actually in August) and the tenth birthday of his charitable foundation. And what better way to do that than by watching Lady Gaga flounce about in weird costumes, drop the f-bomb, and give him (and herself) some seriously ass-licking compliments?

First, she took the stage wearing a giant net thing on her head and did a stripped down version of “Born This Way” on the piano (with some Clinton references added) before launching into a full on performance complete with hot back-up dancers. Each time I see Lady Gaga do this, I’m amazed by how great it is and wonder why she insists on eclipsing her talents by burying them in over-produced Euro disco, but I realize I’m in the minority on this.

Next, she did “The Edge Of Glory.” “I wish that you were playing sax with me tonight, baby,” she purred, to the great delight of the whole Clinton family.

Next, she congratulated herself on being so successful and called herself a “twisted New York version” of the American dream. (She also called it her “Marilyn Monroe moment,” because I guess maybe she thought that would be funny to the infidelity-ridden couple.) I mean, she was born only kind of rich on the upper west side, and now she’s super rich on the lower east side. That is a Horatio Alger story if ever I did hear one.

Then she did “Bad Romance,” calling it “Bill Romance” at first. Aw.

Then she congratulated herself some more on being Lady Gaga, saying that if someone had told her a few years ago she’d be performing for Bill Clinton, she would’ve given them a “good American fuck you.” OH NO SHE DIDN’T!

Then she did “You and I” and changed some of the words to be about how Hillary and/or Bill should be in the Oval Office with those high heels on. (Does she know you’re not allowed to be President twice?) She also said that the Clintons make us all feel safe, which, well, speak for yourself.

Then she got rolled off the stage to “Government Hooker,” which, okay, was kind of amusing. Was she mocking her own adulation of Bill Clinton?

This performance was memorable enough, and it looks like the Clintons had a fabulous time. But it might have been better for her to plug the unqualifiedly good things Bill Clinton has done with his foundation in the past ten years than to look back with nostalgia to a presidency she was too young to really evaluate properly when it was going on. Then again, with all the shitty things that are going on in the world today, I can see how it might be tempting to idealize a time when the biggest threat to our national stability (that we knew of) was a blowjob from Monica Lewinsky.

Related posts:

• Video: Bill Clinton And Jenna Bush Flirt Uncomfortably On ‘Today’
• Bill Clinton’s Schedule Revolves Around Grey’s Anatomy
• 5 Facts About Lady Gaga’s Boyfriend Taylor Kinney
• 7 Actresses (And 3 Non-Actresses) Who Could Play Lady Gaga In Lifetime’s Biopic Fame Monster: The Lady Gaga Story

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•Jackass star Ryan Dunn was killed in a car crash early Monday morning. Not a stunt. Sad. (Celebuzz)

•Miley Cyrus may be back with Liam Hemsworth, but we still think Katniss Everdeen could kick Miley’s butt. (Lainey Gossip)

•Gwyneth Paltrow was busted by the NYPD. Why? We don’t know. But we’re laughing anyway. (Celeb Dirty Laundry)

•Anthony Weiner’s resignation letter. You’re welcome. (Buzzfeed)

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Well, Krystal was given her soapbox Monday on the Huffington Post, and in her column about the fallout from the pics, she made one thing clear: looking at those photos made her think of one person. Hillary Clinton.

On the day the photos were posted, I thought of Hillary Clinton. How she came out the next day after her private life was public and held her head high. Many advisors told me I was finished, that this was not what people wanted from their member of Congress. I decided that I had to fight. I had to come out publicly and raise my voice on this issue, even though I risked becoming some joke candidate named Krystal Ball. I also risked drawing more attention to the photos, which I still find tremendously embarrassing, but mostly because I’m shy, not because I think that what I did was wrong.

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• Oh good, another “sexy” Russian cyber-spy. Can we just move all the future James Bond movies onto the Internet?? (Gawker)

• Why should you date a white guy? Well here, let this entire new blog devoted to the subject fill you in! (The Gloss)

• Today is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, and Crushable has teamed up with Ralph Lauren’s Pink Pony in order to promote the worthwhile cause. (Styleite)

• Oh good, that’s what we needed: More naked Na’vi’s. Thanks Hustler! Nobody thought of that great idea yet (except all of the Internet, 10 months ago). (Fleshbot)

• Eliot Spitzer‘s new CNN show isn’t going to cover sex scandals. Weird! (The Wrap)

• Madonna’s new Dolce and Gabonna ad makes us feel funny inside, like when grandma tries to be sexy. (College Candy)

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If you don’t watch Lost, we’re sorry! But in the spirit of the show and enduring love stories, here are 5 other pairs who have been constants in each other’s lives, for better or worse:

1. Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown: While Whitney’s camp says allergies delayed tour dates on her comeback tour, reports are surfacing that her drug addiction is back in the picture. And you know it’s not a good scene when Bobby is also back in the picture. The exes endured a tumultuous relationship, fraught with drug abuse and drama that resulted in the derailment of Whitney’s career and personal life — and now that she’s trying to get everything back on track, Bobby keeps popping in and out of her life, which something tells us will always be the case. For whatever reason, they remain addicted to each other.
2. Bill and Hillary Clinton: Sex scandals and polarizing politics will not break up the Clintons, who are the poster parents for dysfunctional marriages that remain intact despite bad behavior (on Bill’s part, natch). Against all odds, they truly appear to respect and admire one another — and they did raise one hell of a grounded daughter in Chelsea Clinton.
3. Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston: Work with us here. While Brad dumped Jen for Angelina Jolie back in 2004, the ex-marrieds will forever be linked by their tabloid love triangle and breathless reports screaming about illicit hookups here and there. Like this bogus story, which Crushable called foul on (Brad’s bodyguard, really?).
4. John Mayer and Jessica Simpson: They broke up several years ago but John can’t seem to get Jess out of his brain. How so? Well, John will surely tell you himself, if you ask him, we’re certain. He told all in a recent Playboy interview wherein he explained Jessica’s lingering effect on his soul (and penis): “Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me. … Sexually it was crazy that’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm.” We smell a reunion in their future.
5. Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert: Allow us to get very serious for a moment. The professional (and purely platonic) relationship between the former At The Movies co-hosts was loving, complicated and competitive. In his 2009 essay entitled “Remembering Gene,” who died of cancer in February 1999,  Ebert wrote: “Gene Siskel and I were like tuning forks. Strike one, and the other would pick up the same frequency. When we were in a group together, we were always intensely aware of one another. Sometimes this took the form of camaraderie, sometimes shared opinions, sometimes hostility. But we were aware. If something happened that we both thought was funny but weren’t supposed to, God help us if one caught the other’s eye. We almost always thought the same things were funny. That may be the best sign of intellectual communion.“

In his eloquent words, Ebert inspires another definition of “constant”: that would be a soul mate, that person who knows us on a deeper level than others, whose influence is not diminished by time, space or death. So anyway! Did we miss anyone on our list of celebrity constants? Who is your real-life constant? Is this the nerdiest list of all time? Possibly, and we don’t care!

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First, here’s Will Forte’s John Edwards stopped by to explain his affair and possible love child:

Amy Poehler’s Hillary Clinton was the host, talking about her Obama support and talked 2012:

The real, not Tina Fey Sarah Palin delivered a message, and talked about how SNL made fun of her:

Fred Armisen’s Obama and Darrell Hammonds’ Chris Matthews came together, with Matthews telling Obama just how much he loved his speech (it involves masturbation):

A message from the real John McCain:

Joe Biden:

And a great montage of SNL election moments:

REMEMBER TO VOTE!

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So I think we know who Natalie Portman is voting for:

“A lot of the stuff people say about her, I hear it and my stomach falls because it’s so sexist. You ask people why they don’t like her and it’s because her husband cheated on her! That was obviously not her choice.”
Natalie also expressed that Hillary is, “much more polished and experienced than anyone else. [But] I also like Obama. I even like [John] McCain. I disagree with his war stance – which is a really big deal – but I think he’s a very moral person. I met him and Hillary on the same day, actually, when I went to Washington with Finca [a nonprofit that gives loans to businesswomen in developing countries]. Hillary was by far the smartest person I met that day. Just totally focused, and knew more about the issues than anyone else, and was so able to go from one thing to the other.”

Who are you going to vote for?

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