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Jersey Shore Field Notes: The Motherland
(By an anthropologist)
0:00 – Snooki crawls out of Vinny’s bed at an early hour and rubs her eyes. “What’s that light stuff peeking through the windows?” she wonders. It is daylight which means that Snooki is awake before dusk for the first time in her life. (Diagnosis: Snooki is not a vampire.)
1:30 – Snooki realizes its 7:30 AM. She wakes JWOWW to tell her how early in the morning it is. More »
Jersey Shore Field Notes: Jionni Is In The Building
(By an anthropologist)
0:00 – We see our specimen Snooki in the aftermath of her car accident. The cops have arrived quickly because the cops were in the car she hit.
0:30 – The cops give Snooki a breathalyzer test. She passes. (Analysis: Her alcohol level was so high it broke the breathalyzer and reset it to zero.)
1:00 – The cops drag Snooki into their van. She reads herself her own version of the Miranda Rights, which goes: “This sucks.” More »
Jersey Shore Field Notes: The Vaginas Have Come Out
(By and anthropologist)
1:00 – Our specimens JWOWW, Ronnie and Snooki walk to work. They talk about Snooki’s made, Jionni, whom no one likes because he has terrible pheromones.
1:30 – The women arrive at work. Snooki says she doesn’t feel like working. So she decides to not work at work.
2:00 – Ronnie yells at women with a bullhorn.
3:00 – Marco, the pizzeria boss, gives the group a 15 minute break so they can go shopping for their weekend trip to the beach. They shop for 11 hours.
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Video: Snooki Refuses To Hide Her Party Hats From God
Snooki will not be slut-shamed by anyone, not even a man of God. I knew there was a reason I liked this lil’ noodle. More »
Jersey Shore Field Notes: Those Guidos on TV
(By an anthropologist.)
0:00 – Our specimen The Situation wakes up on the couch of his luxury hovel — still in his neck brace — and whimpers for a while. He explains he’s learned a valuable lesson, and it’s that he probably shouldn’t ram his head into walls anymore. (Note: Send a congratulations to The Situation on his pre-school commencement.)
2:00 – Ronnie awakes and hulks his way into Sammi’s room. He tells her he loves her no matter what. They decide to talk later about maybe getting back together. (Diagnosis: Amnesia? Stupidity? Television producers?)
4:00 – The Situation calls his sister, The Melissa, and complains. He is sad and he wants to go home because having spent two days in a neck brace has ruined his entire The Life.
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Jersey Shore Field Notes: Bi-Curiously Lesbionic
(By an anthropologist)
0:00 – It’s another morning in the Italian villa of our human specimens, and they crawl from their darkened bedrooms on all fours. Brittany, Situation’s blonde twin, emerges to try and track down her partner in hair dye and DNA.
0:30 – Brittany finds Erica asleep in Vinny’s bed. Erica doesn’t want to get up. Apropos of nothing, the twins both insist that they’re their own individual people who don’t need to do everything together. Instantly, they have ruined their appeal.
2:00 – Our specimens engage in exposition for those at home who missed last week’s episode. Vinny tells the tale of how Deena entered their bedroom to find Erica in his bed, mid pre-copulation ritual, and stole her away to her own bed like a Visigoth after too many chalices of mead. More »
‘Jersey Shore’ Field Notes: Return to the Club
00:00 – The specimens emerge inside their natural habitat, another shitty club with loud music and neon drinks that probably cost as much as a glass of decent scotch at a normal bar, anyway.
2:00 – Deena and Pauly engage in a sophisticated mating ritual. They kiss and Deena bites Pauly’s lip to signify that she’s hungry and would like to eat his face if no food presents itself soon. Deena tells Pauly that they should go back to the house to “hook-up” (normal human vocabulary for “smoosh”), to which Pauly responds, “I know, right?”
2:30 – Our humans engage in an extremely elaborate discussion of whether or not Deena and Pauly should engage in intercourse. Snooki and Pauly talk aboutit: Snooki thinks they should copulate because Deena has always wanted to do that with Pauly. Pauly says they probably will have intercourse, but is concerned that Deena might have feelings for him. (Note: Might these creatures have feelings? Put an intern on it.) More »
Illustrated Event Report: I Went on a Trip to Italy, You Guys!
You guys, I just got back from 12 days in Italy! Did you miss me? Oh, you didn’t even realize I was gone? Well then I guess I’m gonna go ahead and keep your present for myself. I’s delicious… I mean, um, it’s diamonds. Anyway, I was so insanely averse to looking like a shitty American tourist that the only photos I took during my trip were close-up shots of my boyfriend’s face — in low-light, without the flash on. So I drew some pictures and wrote up some captions. Jersey Shore castmembers not included. More »
‘Jersey Shore’ Field Notes: Bongiorno Italia
(By an anthropologist)
00:00 – The Creature known as Snooki appears in a floppy leopard print hat and rhinestone shoes that allow her to camouflage with her surroundings. She reveals a first grader’s grasp of geography: “Italy is like that big country. No, Europe is like that big country. And then you have like Britain in there and England. And Italy.”
1:40 – Deena explains that in Italy she expects to bring a guy home, though she won’t “do sex” right away. Doing sex is a Jersey Shore colloquialism that means “exchanging ten or twelve words with a stranger and then getting naked in the shower.”
2:30 – Vinny thinks he has grown a beard although he has not. Perhaps he has grown two days’ worth of stubble, although confirmation of this won’t come until the lab results are returned. Vinny wonders if any of the housemates will recognize him. Diagnosis: Delusional behavior, too much cultural saturation of the Superman/Clark Kent anomaly. More »
Snap This: Snooki After Car Crash
If we didn’t already know that Snooki got into a car accident in Florence, we might have thought this neck brace were merely one more ridiculous accessory to an outfit of ridiculous accessories. Is the brace any more absurd than those boots? Or those sunglasses? Work it girl, work it. More »
How Could Italy Possibly Be Offended by ‘Jersey Shore’?
According to the Huffington Post, Italians are none too pleased with the idea of Jersey Shore coming to Italy to shoot season 4. One columnist for Italian newspaper New Notzie, Roberto Del Bevo, wrote that the cast-members ”embody the worst stereotypes of Italians, multiplied by thousands and Americanized.” Many other Italians are outraged by the notion of the Jersey kids coming here. More »
Sex on the Wire: Italy Destroys Sex Forest
• You know what they say: If Italian prostitutes hang out in trees, you have to mow down the forest. (Nerve)
• No matter what your age, there is a sexy celebrity that won’t think you’re too young/old. (Blisstree)
• Shanae Hall, the wife of former NFL Falcon player Corey Hall, has a book explaining how men’s cheating ways are really our fault. (Lemondrop)
• How to be a great wing-women (as if you didn’t already know). (CollegeCandy)
• What could be better than a little boy after the dentist? Why, a girl singing about vaginas as the anesthesia wears off, of course! (Buzzfeed)
• Women: we’ll have sex with just about anything. Just like guys! (The Awl)
• Kim Kardashian‘s birthday landed her a pop-up book of the Karma Sutra. Like she needs instructions. (Monsters and Critics) More »
Hilary Duff Wins at TRL Italy
Hilary Duff was nominated this year for 2 awards in the MTV Italy TRL Awards 2009.
Hilary was up for “First Lady” and for “Best #1 of the Year”. Hilary Duff had some tough competition for the First Lady nomination, which goes to the favorite female International pop sugar… but… Hilary Duff WON as First Lady of 2009!
Here’s the video of Hilary winning the award (though Hilary wasn’t there to accept):
Logo: MTV.it… More »