Crushable » italy

Jersey Shore Field Notes: The Motherland

Liana Maeby — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 16:45:49 +0000

(By an anthropologist)

0:00 – Snooki crawls out of Vinny’s bed at an early hour and rubs her eyes. “What’s that light stuff peeking through the windows?” she wonders. It is daylight which means that Snooki is awake before dusk for the first time in her life. (Diagnosis: Snooki is not a vampire.)

1:30 – Snooki realizes its 7:30 AM. She wakes JWOWW to tell her how early in the morning it is.

2:00 – Snooki and The Situation scream at one another some more about that time they maybe had sex or maybe did not who fucking cares already oh my god, why is this show still on the air?

4:00 – Snooki and JWOWW leave to go get mimosas.

4:30 – Situation calls his friend, whose name is The Unit, to verify that he and Snooki did, in fact, have sex. (Diagnosis: Situation’s friends are all appliances. His ex-girlfriend The Toaster will be flying out next episode.)

6:00 – Sitch concocts an elaborate scheme. He tells Ronnie that he instructed his friend The Unit to call Jionni to tell him about the sex that happened between The Situation and Snooki. Then he tells Sammi and Deena the same thing. His plan here is to figure out which one of them is “the rat,’ meaning the one who’ll relay this information to Snooki. (Note: What?!)

8:30 – Snooki walks through the streets of Florence doing cartwheels. Sees a nun and freaks out and then buys a giant wine.

9:30 – Snooki drops the giant wine and it shatters.

11:00 – The Situation tells Pauly about his scheme. Pauly cackles. The Pinky and the Brain theme song plays, on violin.

12:00 – Sammi reveals herself to be “the rat” by telling Snooki about how Sitch told The Unit to tell Jionni about how Sitch and Snooki had sex, and also by chewing on a dead squirrel.

12:30 – Snooki screams at Sitch. She throws a bottle of champagne at him and it shatters. (Note: If we ever go to war against wine, Snooki is our general.)

13:30 – The Situation tells Snooki that he just told Ronnie that he told the Unit to tell Jionni, and Ronnie told Sammi and now he knows that Sammi told Snooki, but it was just a trick and in reality he didn’t tell The Unit anything. (Note: is this what string theory is?)

15:00 – Snooki sobs.

16:00 – Snooki whines.

16:30 – Dr. Sammi diagnoses Sitch as a “sick individual.”

18:00 – The boys prepare for a trip to Sicily to visit Vinny’s family, the girls will go to Tuscany to tour wine.

19:30 – Vinny thinks Sicily looks like Jusrassic Park with “the trees and the fog and King Kong hiding in the bushes.” (Note: That’s not King Kong in Jurassic Park; that’s Laura Dern.)

21:00 – The female specimens take a tour of a haunted wine cellar.

21:30 – Snooki shrieks.

22:00 – The women sip wine.

23:00 – Snooki burps.

24:00 – Snooki asks for advice about her relationship with Jionni. JWOWW thinks she should move on because Jionni will never forgive her for copulating with Vinny.

25:00 – Snooki regrets copulating with Vinny because she realizes she loves Jionni. (Diagnosis: progress!)

27:00 – Snooki and Deena fall off a motorcycle.

28:00 – Snooki falls asleep on a barrel of wine.

28:30 – JWOWW and Snooki fight. JWOWW tells Snooki not to lie. Snooki says they’re not best friends anymore and pulls out her diary, where she draws pictures of penises for an hour.

31:00 – Over in Sicily, four generations of Vinnys eat four generations of pasta.

32:00 – The males sit on a ledge and look out into the sunset and over the beautiful Italian countryside, reflecting. (There is a reflecting pool beneath them.)

32:30 – The females return home to Florence. JWOWW and Snooki are back to being best friends, which means they put their matching necklaces back on.

33:00 – Snooki calls her father to talk about Jionni. Her father explains that Jionni changed his Facebook status to “single.”

34:00 – Snooki calls Jionni to talk and also to yell. Jionni says that Snooki broke his heart. (Translation: liver.)

35:00 – Tells Jionni she hooked up with Vinny, but explains that they did not copulate and only engages in foreplay. Jionni threatens to murder Vinny. He earns the nickname “Foxy Jioxi.”

37:00 – Jionnni tells Snooki he’ll give her another chance.

39:00 – Snooki talks to Vinny about the night they copulated. Vinny talks about how Snooki was horny and kept saying, “fuck me.” His dick was cuddling with her vagina is another thing he says.

40:00 – Snooki calls Jionni once more. She tells him that she and Vinny did, in fact, copulate. The Pinky and the Brain theme song plays, on kazoo.

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Jersey Shore Field Notes: Jionni Is In The Building

Liana Maeby — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 16:51:34 +0000

(By an anthropologist)

0:00 – We see our specimen Snooki in the aftermath of her car accident. The cops have arrived quickly because the cops were in the car she hit.

0:30 – The cops give Snooki a breathalyzer test. She passes. (Analysis: Her alcohol level was so high it broke the breathalyzer and reset it to zero.)

1:00 – The cops drag Snooki into their van. She reads herself her own version of the Miranda Rights, which goes: “This sucks.”

2:00 – The men specimens arrive to fine the Fiat is being towed.

3:00 – The men journey to the police station and retrieve the girls. Snooki will not have to stay in jail, although her license has been taken away. (Her Lisa Frank fan club license – that’s the most official document she owns.)

4:00 – Snooki calls her mate Jionni. He’s coming to Italy. JWOWW’s mate Roger, however, cant get off work, which is what he calls going to the gym and yelling at other people.

6:00 – JWOWW calls Roger on the telephone and cries a lot. She says, “that sucks,” which means he is currently being arrested.

7:00 – JWOWW is sad. The girls decide that the solution to her problem is to have some drinks. Snooki stays home because she’s still “shaken up” from the accident. (Diagnosis: delerium tremens?)

8:00 – The girls arrive at a club and they do shots.

9:00 – The boys go to a club. It’s called “Space Electronic,” which is Italian for “Cool English Words.”

9:30 – Snooki’s home alone. The doorbell rings. It’s Brittany, one of The Situation’s twins from days past.

10:00 – Brittany appears to be drunk, but not so drunk that she’d cause a breathalyzer to read “zero.” Snooki’s plan is to stick her in The Situations’s bed so as to create an awkward encounter when he arrives home with another girl.

13:00 – The boys return with women in tow. Mike has wrangled a pretty Australian lass.

13:30 – Brittany pops out of The Situation’s bed. The Australian lass is confused. Brittany takes off her shirt. Mike sends the Australian girl home and copulates with Brittany.

14:00 – Jionni is on an airplane to Florence, hovering somewhere between Newark and Space Electronic. Snooki attempts to put together the perfect outfit. (Translation: The outfit involving the least amount of outfit.)

17:00 – Jionni arrives. Snooki cries.

18:00 – Snooki want to have sex immediately. Jionni wants to shower.

20:00 – They copulate.

21:00 – Snooki comes out in a slinky dress. Jionni tells her to change. Vinny and Jionni high-five, which is man communication meaning, “And now tell me your thoughts on Kant’s moral imperative.”

22:00 – The specimens arrive at another club.

23:00 – Jionni whispers in Snooki’s ear and says he’s never loved something so much in his entire life.

23:30 – “She responds, “I fucking love you.” (Analysis: That is a Miranda Wrong.)

24:00 – The Situation thinks he and Jionni “have beef” (non-kosher). The Situation also thinks that he is a kung fu master because he can lift his leg high enough to kick things.

25:00 – The specimens go to another club called Twenty One, which is the age in Italy you have to be to understand what makes a shitty club name.

26:00 – Snooki is very drunk. (0.000001 on the breathalyzer.) She dances on the bar and lifts her dress up completely.

26:30 – Jionni expresses the emotion of anger. He says, “You’re dancing like a fucking whore” and storms out.

27:00 – Snooki chases after him. She falls down and the other specimens come running.

28:00 – Snooki flips out and shrieks and whines and yells at everyone. (Analysis: She has the social skills of a four-year-old. A four-year-old chimpanzee.)

31:00 – Ronnie chases Jionni down and tries to calm him. Jionni talks about how embarrassed he felt and storms off again. (Theory: If Ronnie is the rational one in a situation, that situation will immediately combust.)

32:00 – JWOWW chases Jionni down. She can’t walk in her shoes but she takes them off before she falls down because she is a lady.

33:00 – Snooki is crying and blathering. JWOWW offers to nurse her from her breasts.

33:30 – Jionni sits on the curb with his head down, looking deep. (Question: Rebel Without a Cause sequel in the works?)

36:00 – Jionni comes back. Snooki runs down to meet him and then chases after him. He hides in the bathroom. She follows him in. (Diagnosis: Snooki has not yet reached the stage in her development where she has learned that bathroom time means alone time.)

37:00 – Jionni says he’s breaking up with Snooki because he doesn’t need a girl who lifts up her skirt, and he already has a pet chimpanzee.

39:00 – Jionni takes his things and gets in a cab. End credits: Rebel Without a Cause, Part 2.

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Jersey Shore Field Notes: The Vaginas Have Come Out

Liana Maeby — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 17:47:40 +0000

(By an anthropologist)

1:00 – Our specimens JWOWW, Ronnie and Snooki walk to work. They talk about Snooki’s made, Jionni, whom no one likes because he has terrible pheromones.

1:30 – The women arrive at work. Snooki says she doesn’t feel like working. So she decides to not work at work.

2:00 – Ronnie yells at women with a bullhorn.

3:00 – Marco, the pizzeria boss, gives the group a 15 minute break so they can go shopping for their weekend trip to the beach. They shop for 11 hours.

4:00 – Snooki calls Jionni. They accuse one each other of being rude. Jionni, PhD concludes the conversation by saying, “You guys are crazy. You guys are all fucking nuts.” (Note: Give Jionni a job?)

5:00 – The specimens pack for their weekend in the seaside town of Ricionne. JWOWW brings everything she owns .

5:30 – Pauly thinks they’re bringing too many suitcases. He says, “Eights bags of luggage, two Fiats. You do the math.” The math is eight bags of luggage and two Fiats.

8:00 – Our specimens arrive in Riccione and take inventory of their hotel, which reminds them of Jersey. (Analysis: They are seeing their own reflections and smelling their own hair products.)

9:00 – The men go out to eat. Situation sees his doppelganger at a restaurant. It is a burnt baguette.

10:30 – The girls do a hundred shots at a beachside bar and yell the word “vagina” over and over. (Diagnosis: Tourette’s?)

12:00 – Snooki and Deena are drunk (synonym for “wasted”) and they go shopping.

13:00 – JWOWW and Sam return to the hotel. Snooki and Deena hear club music and go find it. They men also hear club music and arrive. No one else hears this music because it’s like a dog whistle for guidos.

14:30 – Snooki dives face-first into a bush.

16:00 – Snooki and Deena dance. Deena dances so hard her underwear falls out, and it earns her the eternal respect of Pauly.

16:30 – The boys leave because they are embarrassed, which is an emotion they’ve never experienced before so they’re worried they’re dying.

17:00 – Our specimens meet for dinner. Deena and Snooki are nowhere to be found. Pauly blasts high-frequency club music and they appear suddenly.

19:00 – Deena and Snooki are very drunk but they decide to go to the club anyway.

20:00 – Our specimens arrive at the club and dance.

21:00 – Deena dances on a bench. She has no underwear on and everyone can see her vagina. According to JWOWW, she “needs a wax,” which is slang for “a hug.”

23:00 – Snooki and Deena booty dance.

23:30 – Snooki and Deena make out.

24:00 – Everyone decides it’s time to go. Deena and Snooki both fall down.

24:30 – Deena and Snooki make out in the cab.

25:00 – Arriving home, they make out more.

25:00 – Deena and Snooki go to bed together. (Note: Has a parody porn of this been made yet?)

26:00 – The next morning, the male specimens go to breakfast. Pauly accuses Ronnie of being a “swacker” which means a “swagger jacker.” If convicted, Ronnie will serve a felony term.

27:00 – The boys discuss Snooki’s cheating and side with her mate Jionni, PhD, and wonder if he’ll break up with her.

28:00 – Deena and Snooki wake up in one another’s arms. It is The Notebook, basically.

28:30 – Deena emerges from her bed looking ravaged. She says, “I need a food.” (Note: Her skills as a hunter-gatherer are developing nicely.)

29:00 – Deena and Snooki do not remember anything. Deena says, “If I do sex, usually even if I’m blacked out I know I did sex.” (Note: Add this question to I.Q. tests.)

30:00 – JWOWW and Sammi analyze the details to try and determine if Deena and Snooki had sex. A forensics team is coming later.

31:00 – Our specimens leave town. The girls’ car starts smoking because Snooki left the parking brake on.

32:00 Snooki calls her mate Jionni. She tells him about her dalliance with Deena, but forgets to relay the funny part where Deena exposed her vagina.

33:00 – Jionni is not mad. Another victory for womankind.

35:00 – The gang goes to the pizzeria. Mike works hard and everyone is impressed, especially the water bottles, which have now been restocked.

26:00 – Snooki and Deena decide they don’t want to be at work so they hide inside of trashcans. (Note: Get first-person account from Oscar the Grouch.)

37:00 – Snooki and Deena decide to drive to the gym.

38:00 – Snooki crashes her car into a cop car.

38:30 – Snooki does not have her license. Deena calls the boys to fetch Snooki’s license and bring it to them. Examining the document, the boys learn Snooki’s her given name is not actually “Snooki,” but rather, “Hello Kitty.”

39:00 – It appears the driver of the other car has been seriously injured.

40:00 – Hello “Snooki” Kitty is dragged off to jail. She appears excited about scoring an orange jumpsuit.

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Video: Snooki Refuses To Hide Her Party Hats From God

Jamie Peck — Fri, 09 Sep 2011 19:01:50 +0000

In a preview of next week’s episode of The Jersey Shore, the littlest guidette takes some flack from an Italian priest for walking by his magical God house with too much of her breasts showing. “Can you cover your body please when you come in front of church,” the boob-hating priest implores. “Shut up asshole,” she responds instinctively, which is pretty much the only thing to say when a random guy on the street comments on how you’re dressed, priest or not.

“Did you hear what he just told me?” she shouts to JWoww in disbelief. “Can you cover your body up when you’re walking next to the church!” “Who said that?” asks JWoww. “The fucking priest!” “Woww.”

Snooki further clarifies her grounds for protest. “In my church they’d be like, oh, nice outfit. God likes my tits. God made my tits!” “God didn’t make mine,” replies JWoww, making the joke for us.

I’m sure a bunch of people are going to get pissy at Snooks for speaking so disrespectfully to/about a man of religion, but you know what? She has a fucking point. I will never understand why people think it’s okay to express their opinions on what a woman is wearing on a public street, especially in a country where wearing revealing clothing is completely socially acceptable. She should not have to abide by the church’s arbitrary rules unless she actually goes inside it. Florence is a cosmopolitan city where many different kinds of culture flourish, from the Renaissance sculptures (which are, for the record, way naked) to the fist-pumping clubs so dear to a young guidette’s heart. Snooki has done many less-than-bright things in her time, but fighting for her right to air out her funbags is not one of them. Tops off to her.

(Via The Daily Caller)

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Jersey Shore Field Notes: Those Guidos on TV

Liana Maeby — Fri, 09 Sep 2011 17:04:29 +0000

(By an anthropologist.)

0:00 – Our specimen The Situation wakes up on the couch of his luxury hovel — still in his neck brace — and whimpers for a while. He explains he’s learned a valuable lesson, and it’s that he probably shouldn’t ram his head into walls anymore. (Note: Send a congratulations to The Situation on his pre-school commencement.)

2:00 – Ronnie awakes and hulks his way into Sammi’s room. He tells her he loves her no matter what. They decide to talk later about maybe getting back together. (Diagnosis: Amnesia? Stupidity? Television producers?)

4:00 – The Situation calls his sister, The Melissa, and complains. He is sad and he wants to go home because having spent two days in a neck brace has ruined his entire The Life.

4:30 – The girls drop off their laundry. Again. [Note: SERIOUSLY, HOW THE FUCK DO THESE PEOPLE HAVE SO MUCH LAUNDRY?!? (Note: Have an intern edit this.)]

6:00 – Sitch is very sad because he’s hurt and can’t do anything for himself. He fake cries for the camera. (Diagnosis>Stanislavski method? Onions?)

6:30 – Ronnie has a chat with Sitch. Sitch talks about wanting to go home. Ronnie grunts and Sitch nods like he understands the meaning of this.

7:00 – The Situation decides he will stay after all, because he is a man. (Translation: His penis is stuck to the couch.)

12:00 – Our specimens Snooki and JWOWW explore their surroundings. They walk by a church and are reprimanded for wearing revealing and also neon clothing.

13:00 – Snooki calls her mate Jionni. She tells him he’s the best person she knows and that she would like to “suck his butt.” Then she burps.

14:00 – Jionni reacts to Snooki’s behavior by calling her stupid. Snooki expresses the emotion of sadness.

14:30 – Snooki talks to Ronnie, who has, evidently, because the de facto psychiatrist in the house. Snooki is sad because she’s never been in love like this before. However, it seems Jionni doesn’t particularly care for any aspect of Snooki’s personality. It’s a real predicament. Ronnie’s diagnosis: Snooki subconsciously wants to fuck her cousin. (Diagnosis: Ronnie’s parents fucked their cousins.)

16:00 – Denna gives Pauly a haircut. It’s the style known as a ”fauxhawk,” which means “fake hairstyle.” Deena finds herself aroused by this new look. Pauly proclaims that is makes him look like “those Guidos on TV who are trying too hard.” (Diagnosis: …………………………………………………)

18:00 – Sam and Ron sit down to talk. They discuss politics, Russian literature, the debt crisis, and then their own relationship. Sam is mad because Ron “did her dirty,” and she thinks he’s a pig. (Diagnosis: Ron has a tail.)

20:00 – Ron apologizes but Sam says she doesn’t care. Ron says he loves Sam. They start to yell at one another (Ronnie’s a Krugmanite, Sammi’s more cautious about spending.)

25:00 – Vinny comes in and asks if Ron and Sam would please go somewhere else if they’re going to argue all the time because it is loud. Then he throws his weight behind Dostoevsky over Tolstoy as the better writer.)

27:00 – Sam decides she and and Ron should get back together. They leave to go fornicate, and then to commit the perfect crime and try to get away with it.

34:00 – Our specimens leave for the club once again. The place they go to is called “21,” which in the metric system translates to “Ugh.”

35:00 – Sam and Ron are in love again. They French kiss, which means they both taste of onion soup.

37:00 – Deena and JWOWW get into an altercation with several women in the club. A woman throws her drink in Deena’s face. Snooki will not stand for this, so she starts punching people. She punches Deena accidentally. Deena says, “No, it’s me, Deena!” (Diagnosis: Self-awareness at last.)

41:00 – Snooki calls Jionni. He is mad at her because she’s been drinking and also because she still has that same personality.

42:00 – Ronnie interjects. He takes the phone from Snooki and tells Jionni that he can guarantee that Snooki loves him so he’s being stupid by getting all uppity about it. “Also,” he asks. “Do you have any female cousins?”

47:00 – Deena calls her waiter friend whose name is Ellis (Italian for “Not Italian”). She summons him to her abode.

48:00 – Ellis arrives.

49:00 – Sammi proclaims Ellis a real man for coming over at 4 AM, which makes her think he must really like Deena. (Diagnosis: Do these people know what words mean, at all?)

49:30 – Deena falls down.

50:00 – Deena drags Ellis into her bedroom, but soon notices he has a hickey. She asks about it. He says it’s from his sister. Ronnie bursts into the room, takes notes, then submits a paper to the International Journal of Psychiatry.

51:00 – Deena sends Ellis away.

52:00 – JWOWW calls her mate R0G3R. She complains about how Jionni is being mean to Snooki.

53:00 – The specimens decide they must hold an intervention to convince Snooki to sever her ties with Jionni.

55:00 – Snooki is upset. She says, “You don’t have to do an intervention. I’m not addicted to heroin, I’m just addicted to my boyfriend’s penis.” Her boyfriend’s penis is, incidentally, shaped like a crack pipe.

57:00 – JWOWW won’t relent, however, because she thinks Jionni is behaving poorly. She says, “I’m not just going to pretend everything is all cheese and daisies.” Thank goodness, because Italians are known for being intolerant of daisies.

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Jersey Shore Field Notes: Bi-Curiously Lesbionic

Liana Maeby — Fri, 26 Aug 2011 17:39:13 +0000

(By an anthropologist)

0:00 – It’s another morning in the Italian villa of our human specimens, and they crawl from their darkened bedrooms on all fours. Brittany, The Situation’s blonde twin, emerges to try and track down her partner in hair dye and DNA.

0:30 – Brittany finds Erica asleep in Vinny’s bed. Erica doesn’t want to get up. Apropos of nothing, the twins both insist that they’re their own individual people who don’t need to do everything together. Instantly, they have ruined their appeal.

2:00 – Our specimens engage in exposition for those at home who missed last week’s episode. Vinny tells the tale of how Deena entered their bedroom to find Erica in his bed, mid pre-copulation ritual, and stole her away to her own bed like a Visigoth after too many chalices of mead.

4:00 – The girls go get wine, breakfast of crampions. Snooki explains that she has to tell her sex partner Jionni about the lies Situation has been spreading about his own supposed copulation encounters with Snooks.

5:00 – Deena talks about what she deems her “lesbionic” experience with Erica. They only made-out, she says, and then they watched three seasons of The L Word, adopted six cats and joined a softball team.

6:00 – JWOWW buys a giant hat!

6:30 – Back at the house, the discussion once again turns to Deena and her sexual proclivities. The men make fun of her and discuss “clean carpets,” which is a vaginal reference and also a way to admit they miss their mothers.

7:00 – Deena expresses emotions of sadness. Honey, it gets better.

11:00 – Snooki places a telephone call to her partner in monogamy, Jionni. She explains that Sitch is a lying bastard. Jionni believes her and expressed the human emotion of love.

12:00 – Snooki says, “Let’s have babies.” (Note: Snooki can have babies?)

13:00 – It’s time for Sunday Dinner. The women decide to dress up like “40-year-old women from Yonkers.” The Situation says they look like “the Kentucky Derby fucked the Easter Bunny.” (Note: Is such a coupling available in porno format?)

14:00 – Deena explains the Erica encounter. She claims she was “bi-curious,” but now knows she like boys. Honey, it gets worse.

15:00 – Vinny is still upset about the bed robbery and the other boys have his back, which is a term meaning, “willing to say ‘I got your back’” more times that could ever possibly be necessary.

17:00 – The boys decide to play a prank on Deena. They take her bed and place it in the living room, and then they giggle a lot. (Note: Something in the Italian water? Edited note: Probably not. It’s unlikely they have consumed any water.)

17:00 – Deena crawls into her living room bed and has an “anxiety attack.” This means she is momentarily preoccupied with concerns larger than clothing and alcohol, and is sent on a downward spiral where she cannot stop thinking about the famine in Mogadishu.

20:00 – Jenni drags the bed back into Deena’s room. She calls for a meeting.

23:00 – Pauly accuses Deena of having turned into a different person, one with feelings and emotions and stuff. Deena agrees. She doesn’t seem like herself, on account of the feelings and emotions. She also blames alcohol.

24:00 – Deena and Pauly hug. They are friends again, at least until the next time Deena expresses a feeling or an emotion.

28:00 – The gang departs for their very first day of work. They get lost, but Deena figures it out. Indeed, once she put a cap on her feelings and emotions, her logical side became more prominent.

29:00 – The arrive at the pizzeria. Snooki has many problems with her hat, such as: It is not pink; it rubs up against her forehead and smears her bronzer; her brain does not fit inside of it.

30:00 – Vinny stands outside and passes out flyers to women. He is very good at it.

30:30 – Back at the house, Ronnie calls his friend Hannah, whom he had previously invited out to visit.

31:00 – JWOWW confronts Ron, because he’s supposed to be the coupling partner of Sammi again.

31:30 – It turns out Hannah is Ronnie’s contingency plan. He doesn’t know this about her, however, because he’s never heard that word before.

32:00 – Snooki hates her job. She and Deena get inside a garbage bag together. It’s a metaphor.

33:00 – Snooki and Deena want wine, but they can’t take any. So they get a customer to buy them some. They sneak into the bathroom and chug their fermented grapes. Visigoths, once again.

36:00 – The owner of the pizzeria, Marco, is displeased. He bangs on the door of the bathroom, where Snooki and Deena are locked inside with their cheap white wine.

36:00 – Snooki explains that Deena has her period and that she was giving her tampons. Plural. Yikes. (Note: Snooki has tampons, which means she can, in fact, have babies.)

37:00 – Marco finds the wine. He dumps it down the drain. Snooki says, “Marco wasting all that wine is definitely alcohol abuse.” (Note: she has clearly spent some time in AA.)

38:00 – A pigeon shits on Pauly.

38:30 – JWOWW and Ron go out shopping. Ron buys Sammi dresses “just to see her smile.” She has never smiled before, so it’s understandable why he would want to see this. Perhaps it’s ghoulish and funny!

39:00 – JWOWW and Snooki go out to dinner. They talk about cutting off their boyfriends’ penises and turning them into vibrators. (Note: product tie-in?)

40:00 – Ron and Sam go out to a romantic dinner. Romance ensues. Ron calls Sam “dude.”

41:00 – Ron and Dude walk home holding hands.

45:00 – The specimens go to a place called Club Yab. That’s a Scrabble word, and it’s an alternate spelling of “chi.”

46:00 – Ron dances in the vicinity of woman. Dude is upset. She calls Ron a F****** A******, which is Swahili.

47:00 – Ron and Dude fight viciously. She’s back to being called “Sam.”

48:00 – The Situation and Pauly take American girls home. As souvenirs.

51:00 – Ron and Sam fight viciously again. Sam tells Ron about this one time that Sitch said that Ron said he was going to bring a bunch of girls back to the house.

52:00 – Ron flips out. He turns into The Hulk (Ang Lee version) and goes after Sitch. He overturns a couch.

57:00 – Ron begins to hit The Situation. Sitch froths at the mouth. Ron beats him so viciously that even Deena the Visigoth runs away.

58:00 – An ambulance is heard in the background. It is not a metaphor.

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‘Jersey Shore’ Field Notes: Return to the Club

Liana Maeby — Fri, 12 Aug 2011 17:09:24 +0000

(By an anthropologist)

00:00 – The specimens emerge inside their natural habitat, another shitty club with loud music and neon drinks that probably cost as much as a glass of decent scotch at a normal bar, anyway.

2:00 – Deena and Pauly engage in a sophisticated mating ritual. They kiss and Deena bites Pauly’s lip to signify that she’s hungry and would like to eat his face if no food presents itself soon. Deena tells Pauly that they should go back to the house to “hook-up” (normal human vocabulary for “smoosh”), to which Pauly responds, “I know, right?”

2:30 – Our humans engage in an extremely elaborate discussion of whether or not Deena and Pauly should engage in intercourse. Snooki and Pauly talk about it: Snooki thinks they should copulate because Deena has always wanted to do that with Pauly. Pauly says they probably will have intercourse, but is concerned that Deena might have feelings for him. (Note: Might these creatures have feelings? Put an intern on it.) Next, JWOWW and Snooki discuss the situation (note: lowercase), and JWOWW expresses concern. Snooki agrees with JWOWW’s concern. Following that, JWOWW and Deena talk. Deena seems to think that she doesn’t actually have feelings, which means it’s okay for her and Pauly to copulate, even if he ends up treating her terribly afterwards. So much discussion, yet still no meaning of life.

5:00 – Deena falls down.

6:00 – Ronnie places a call to his friend, a woman human named Hannah who lives in the United States. He invites her to come to Italy, via an airplane.

7:00 – Deena falls down.

7:30 – Pauly goes to sleep, which implies that he has decided against copulating with Deena for the time being.

8:00 – Deena tries to fall down into Pauly’s bed. She does not succeed.

10:00 – In the morning, the gang goes shopping for Sunday dinner, a ritual they began in Jersey that involves the consumption of substances other than vodka and Redbull.

11:00 – Deena says she’s proud of herself for not falling down at all the day before. Diagnosis: Perhaps one of those stumbles was harder and more damaging than it initially seemed.

12:00 – Deena and JWOWW decide to cook Sunday dinner, and they get as far as removing chicken cutlets from their packaging.

13:00 – The women take a break from cooking to go out and eat.

14:00 – The creature known as Snooki appears to still be asleep even though the daylight hours are dwindling. Her ability to sleep through whole days yet appear wholly un-depressed is remarkable. It might be the most remarkable thing about her, excepting her hair.

15:00 – Snooki awakes from her slumber and places a call to her boyfriend, Jionni, back home. Jionni appears to be quite upset with Snooki because she went an entire day without calling. Snooki tries to explain that all she did during that day was sleep, but Jionni is still upset, presumably because he can’t possibly believe it to be true. So utterly remarkable are Snooki’s rest habits.

16:00 – The Situation tries to comfort Snooki. This indicates that he has resumed is mating ritual, and is, once again, being more subtle than the male peacock.

19:00 – The specimens receive a phone call telling them that they must report to work at their new job. After some discussion as to the meaning of “job,” the humans depart to the pizzeria where they’ll be employed for the duration of the shoot.

21:00 – Out on the streets of Florence, Sammi spots the Duomo and asks, “Is this the Vatican?” Snooki says, “Yeah, I think so,” and they both agree that it’s beautiful and then don’t pay it another thought. Over at the actual Vatican, the Pope lets out a sigh of relief and goes back to watching “Millionaire Matchmaker.”

23:00 – The specimens receive a tutorial in pizza making. Snooki says that the dough is “soft as a baby’s butt.” It appears Deena remembers the taste of Pauly’s ear and her mouth waters as she imagines eating baby butt.

25:00 – The group returns once again to The Club. The Situation meets a blonde American girl who understands exactly what his peacock feathers are saying. He will end up taking her home.

30:00 – Sam and Ron engage in an elaborate dance with widespread behavioral implications. This involves both of them getting plastered and pretending not to look at one another. Ron hits on ladies; Sammi cries. It’s all very sophisticated.

33:00 – Deena falls down.

34:00 – The Situation has sexual intercourse with the blonde American whose name is Brittany (note: actually the genus name for blonde Americans), and he describes the encounter as a “blow pop.” Presumably that means bubbles were popped at the end of things.

36:00 – The Situation sticks Brittany in a taxi and sends her home.

37:00 – The Situation resumes his Snooki-targeted mating ritual. Evidently he is genuinely in love with her. Snooki rebuffs his advances; it seems she has time for little else in her complicated life besides sleep.

42:00 – Vinny and Ronnie bathe in the jacuzzi together. They make references to homosexual innuendo but do not copulate.

46:00 – The specimens return to their place of absolute comfort, The Club. It’s a very wild night at The Club. Vinny says he feels just like he’s back in Jersey, which studies indicate is typically what people look for when traveling thousands of miles to Europe.

48:00 – Sammi and Ronnie are drunk again. Sam wants to talk but Ron does not; that appears to be something he has difficulty doing, in general. Sam says she misses Ron and wants to go cuddle. Ron says he’d rather copulate with a spiked samurai sword than snuggle with Sammi. Diagnosis: gay?

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Illustrated Event Report: I Went on a Trip to Italy, You Guys!

Liana Maeby — Fri, 05 Aug 2011 18:18:57 +0000

You guys, I just got back from 12 days in Italy! Did you miss me? Oh, you didn’t even realize I was gone? Well then I guess I’m gonna go ahead and keep your present for myself. I’s delicious… I mean, um, it’s diamonds. Anyway, I was so insanely averse to looking like a shitty American tourist that the only photos I took during my trip were close-up shots of my boyfriend’s face — in low-light, without the flash on. So I drew some pictures and wrote up some captions. Jersey Shore castmembers not included.

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‘Jersey Shore’ Field Notes: Bongiorno Italia

Liana Maeby — Fri, 05 Aug 2011 15:58:15 +0000

(By an anthropologist)

00:00 – The Creature known as Snooki appears in a floppy leopard print hat and rhinestone shoes that allow her to camouflage with her surroundings. She reveals a first grader’s grasp of geography: “Italy is like that big country. No, Europe is like that big country. And then you have like Britain in there and England. And Italy.”

1:40 – Deena explains that in Italy she expects to bring a guy home, though she won’t “do sex” right away. Doing sex is a Jersey Shore colloquialism that means “exchanging ten or twelve words with a stranger and then getting naked in the shower.”

2:30 – Vinny thinks he has grown a beard although he has not. Perhaps he has grown two days’ worth of stubble, although confirmation of this won’t come until the lab results are returned. Vinny wonders if any of the housemates will recognize him. Diagnosis: Delusional behavior, too much cultural saturation of the Superman/Clark Kent anomaly.

3:30 – Snooki reveals herself to be the Imelda Marcos of thonged panties. She appears to have hundreds of them in all manner of bright color and complicated pattern. Note: Perhaps a doctor should examine her vagina?

4:20 – JWOWW says, “JWOWW and her boobies are going to Italy.” It seems JWOWW refers to JWOWW in the third person. Diagnosis: Possible narcissism, probable confusion by the fact that having the nickname “JWOWW” nevertheless still renders Jenni Farley human.

5:00 – The first sighting of the primate known as Ronnie. He appears to have learned to walk upright.

6:00 – One of the key dynamics between our human specimens is revealed: the inherent battle between men and women. It’s decided that each gender group will travel to Italy as a unit, and the two clans will battle one another to arrive at their Italian home first so that they may mark their territory on the better bedrooms. With semen or vaginal fluids, presumably.

7:00 – At Vinny’s house, the boys practice slang terms for sex. They are able to do this at a fifth grade level. Note: impressive.

11:00 – The group arrives in Italy. Each person has six or seven suitcases. In the case of some global disaster, these containers will serve as a time capsule that receals the worst impulses of homo sapiens. Meaning: hopefully aliens will never, ever discover flavored condoms and bronzer, please?

13:20 – Pauly says that Italy is “the most beautifulest country” he’s ever seen. “Beautifulest” is an Italian word meaning “thing that would be fun to fuck.”

14:00 – The men arrive at the house they’ll in habit for the next months. Which means they’ve won the gender battle. Their new environment is one of marble and jacuzzi.

15:30 – Vinny discovers the bidet in the bathroom. He calls it “the thing that cleans your ass.” Vinny’s knowledge of the bidet is as at least a tenth grade level.

18:30 – The humans fortify themselves with shots of limoncello.

21:00 – The gang hits the streets of Florence. They spot the Duomo although they haven’t a clue as to what it is. Vinny proclaims that it “kind of looks like a painting, bro,” by which he means it isn’t a prefab model. They see a carousel and Snooki yells, “Oh my god, we’re going on the ferris wheel!”

22:30 – The Situation performs a mating ritual at Snooki. This entails telling Deena that he mistakenly thought Snooki was single and then pouting when he learns she isn’t. Comparisons can be drawn to the mating rituals of the male peacock.

23:00 – Exes Ronnie and Sammi are forced to interact with one another for the first time. Ronnie sits on the couch drinking liquor by himself while Sam looks at the wall and rolls her eyes. Ronnie makes the sound of passing gas with his mouth. Sammi laughs. Note: our specimens are weird.

25:00 – Snooki can drive a stick shift car! She may have more depth to her than was originally revealed. Note: keep an eye on this.

25:30 – Nevermind. Snooki can’t turn her car on. Forget it.

27:00 – The women encounter their natural enemies, a pair of pigeons who fly too closely overheard. They have yet to develop any weapons to defend themselves, so they’re forced to scream loudly. No casualties so far.

30:00 – The girls groom. They blow out the electricity twice with blow dryers and flat irons. Deena burns her hair off her head and also loses four IQ points.

31:00 – The Situation continues his mating dance. He may have real feelings for Snooki, he thinks, maybe, and reveals that the two of them have been having intermittent sex. Note: he is currently putting the peacock to shame.

35:00 – The humans arrive at an Italian discotheque. It appears that a disaster is underway as everything is on fire, but evidently, that’s just the decor. Deena claims to be “in love” with the place, which means she has probably copulated with it once or twice.

36:10 – A problem arises: the humans realize that they don’t know Italian. This is especially problematic for the men because women won’t understand them when they introduce themselves by their weird nicknames and ask “Yo, you down to fuck?”

36:30 – The humans take shots and give a toast to Italy. They are now members of parliament.

37:00 – The Situation takes his mating gestures toward Snooki a step further by asking her for a hug and kissing her all over the face despite her protests. The male peacock would saunter away defeated to see such a beautiful and nuanced process.

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‘Jersey Shore’ Season 4 Needs A Drink(ing Game)

Lucia Peters — Sun, 31 Jul 2011 21:37:13 +0000

Season 4 of Jersey Shore starts this Thursday, and man, I don’t know about you guys, but I’m pretty sure the only way I’m going to be able to stomach watching the gang defile Florence is going to be with the help of an awful lot of booze. Who’s with me?

The cast is surrounded by incredible art and culture: Hoorah art and culture! Take a drink!
The cast doesn’t realize that they’re surrounded by incredible art and culture: Of course they don’t. Take two drinks.

A cast member speaks fluent Italian: Yeah, right. Take a drink.
A cast member speaks enough Italian to be able to hook up with an Italian: Take one drink for each hookup.
A cast member hooks up with another cast member: Take one drink for each cast member.
Sammi and Ronnie break up: Take a drink.
Sammi and Ronnie get back together: Take two drinks.
Snooki looks like an Ewok: Take a drink.
Snooki looks like an Ewok that’s been in a car accident: Take a drink and put on a neck brace.

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