Early reports described the movie as a story of childhood friends coming together for a wedding, so we envisioned it as a happier, younger version of The Big Chill mixed with a little Garden State-style angst. But the trailer just makes the movie seem bland and typical. Plus, we really really hate the font. It looks unfinished. Plus, they spelled Malin Akerman’s name wrong. But maybe that’s just being a little too nitpicky.

What do you think of the trailer? Will you see the movie based on this clip alone, or will you need to see more?

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For Saldana, not even taking into account her appearance as a blue alien in the biggest blockbuster movie of all time, Avatar, she has another appearance on her resume that will always endear her to people I surround myself with: She was in Star Trek. It’s a rule: Any actress who appears in a Star Trek or Star Wars film will always be held in high regard (eg Carrie Fisher, Natalie Portman) — at least by the vocal male population that uses the Internet as their sounding board. Is Kim Cattrall a sex symbol because she played Samantha on Sex and the City? No. It’s because she played Valeris in Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country.

What does that say about us as a society, though? Nothing much, except guys who like Star Wars and Star Trek will worship any girl who’s willing to enter that world, paycheck or not. That’s still a more respectable attitude than guys who are drawn toward celebrities whose looks are good for (ahem) private arousal — Olivia Munn, Brooklyn Decker — than any real substance. These are probably the guys to stay away from unless you’re a girl who is attracted to Ian Ziering, then, it’s probably a good fit. The good news is that this particular brand of male is too busy playing flip cup right now, anyway. (Or, as Wikipedia tells me, the game can also just be called “cup.” Which was, I had thought, a fake card game made up by Chandler Bing.)

Speaking of Friends, Jennifer Aniston played Rachel but will always be tied less to her co-stars — Courteney Cox and Lisa Kudrow — than to a woman she has never shared a screen with, Angelina Jolie. To a guy, Aniston represents not, as she does to females, the jilted former wife of Brad Pitt who we pity. For guys, she represents everything Jolie is not: Attractive yet approachable; ordinary, but in a good way; not attempting, in her own mind, to save the world; and, most notably, not once married to Billy Bob Thornton. These are all things guys will find attractive. She is everywoman for the common man. The laid-back, cool chick. Which is ironic, because at the height of Friends’ popularity, Aniston was perceived as the opposite of all these things. Aniston hasn’t changed. It’s just the male perspective of her has changed when directly compared with the eccentric Jolie. Is this fair? Probably not. But she doesn’t seem to be complaining.

There are certain actresses who carry a sense of just-out-of-reach unattainability to their persona. A persona that opens up the adventurous side of the male personality that could encourage a guy to either (a) sing The Pixies during karaoke or (b) cover Stillwater on tour for Rolling Stone. At one time this was Audrey Hepburn; today this would be Zooey Deschanel. Guys who love Deschanel aren’t in love with her, they’re in love with the idea of her. This is dangerous. These are guys looking for an excuse to chase their wildest dreams. Unfortunately, it never ends with catching their dreams. It usually ends with him sobbing, on the F Train ride home from Brooklyn, asking himself why it didn’t work out and why she wants you to really listen to the lyrics of “Nothing Better” by The Postal Service. (Damn you,  Ben Gibbard!)

Then there’s the confusing cases of Anne Hathaway and Maggie Gyllenhaal. Two enigmas when it comes to this question. Hathaway seems to have found a niche in the gay community but, for some reason, isn’t mentioned much as a straight male’s celebrity fantasy. Which is odd, but not completely surprising. Based on the roles she has played, there’s never been one that — like Deschanel in (500) Days of Summer — sparks the emotional epicenter of the male psyche. Or, maybe, considering her popularity in the gay community, no insecure straight male wants to openly admit to his attraction. Fearing the inevitable “You like the girl from The Devil Wears Prada?” questions which lead directly to “Wait, you’ve seen The Devil Wears Prada?”

Gyllenhaal, for her part, is the unchallenged queen of the love her/hate her debate. No actress is more polarizing for really no reason. Half the people I know claims she made The Dark Knight better, taking over for Katie Holmes; the other half feels she almost ruined it by just being there. How to tell these two camps apart, in my opinion? Her detractors are more likely to be in that flip cup line, renewing their Maxim subscriptions while Gyllenhaal’s defenders are possibly, right now, and even more annoyingly, sitting at their computers, just like me, writing pieces just like this one.

Mike Ryan is an entertainment writer who contributes to New York magazine, Vanity Fair, AOL’s Moviefone and Yahoo News, among other outlets. He lives in New York.

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Simon Cowell squeeze Mezhgan Hussainy flaunted her big ‘ol diamond. (Popeater)

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Check out our gallery below. Who has your favorite ring? Who did we miss?

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Jessica Alba
I know I’ll probably have some serious regrets about what’s about to transpire here—like the time I housed a vat of boxed brownie batter, washed it down with a fancy Pinot from the CVS wine cellar and passed out watching Soloflex informercials. Mom’s proud. Now back to Jessica. Aside from the Smurf infantry combat boots and repurposed Gap flannel (circa 1992), I don’t hate this look. I know, I know, but girlfriend shaved about 60 years off her age since we last saw her sporting a catatonic bouffant and Limoncello potato sack.

Jessica Biel
“My assistant is so getting canned. I specifically instructed that half-wit to fetch me a Valentino. Instead, I’m stuck wearing a homemade valentine from J.T.’s supervised craft time. A box of rumpled Kleenex Ultra Soft dip-dyed in cinnamon red hots? It’s an insult to my sinewy lady form.”

Jennifer Garner
“Don’t believe this smile for a second. I just came face to face with the wrath of Kirstie Alley’s chompers. I’ve never known that kind of fear, even when I was doing crazy ninja stunts on Alias. How was I to know she’d be lurking in the bushes, waiting to douse my leather and lace in A-1?”

Anne Hathaway
Say goodbye to Froot Loops, my friends. Without his rainbow-striped beak, Toucan Sam can’t follow his nose to the flavor of fruit, wherever it grows. Captain Crunch will get his, just you wait.

Emma Roberts
“Aunt Julia, how long do I have to hold it? I REALLY have to go!”

“Mini protégé, you will hold your pee-pee pose as long as I say so. Do you have any idea who I am? I am an actress. I can make you believe that I have a bladder the size of Guam because I’m that good. If I see even the slightest hint of Number 1 dribbling down your tween chicken thighs, you will be the death of me. You will hold it longer and smile BIGGER if you want to be a star like Aunt Julia. P.S. Don’t forget who chose that perfectly age-appropriate ensem you’re wearing that will have critics shouting ‘chic’ to the high-heavens. You’re welcome.”

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore
Ashton is so getting put in the makeout corner with Rumer tonight. How dare he detract attention from Demi’s prized pigeons as she proves once again that she’s an age-proof wonder. If those birds so much as flutter a wing, Bruce will make him so very sorry. At least mama dressed him like a big boy in a camel overcoat. He’s all grows up!

Katie Holmes
Katie has never struck me as the flasher type. But I presume sleeping in an alien pod beside Crazy Eyes Cruise every night would cause you to unravel right quick. If Robo-Wife were allowed to hike up that hem and lose the man trousers to expose a whisper of knee cap, this trench would be killa. Unfortch, that would violate the terms of her double-secret-probation-Scientology agreement. On the plus side, the surplus volume creates the perfect billboard to not-so-subtly stitch HELP! into the lining.

Melissa Rycroft
To your corneas, with love:

I cannot express how cruel and unkind
It was for me to make you go blind
Between the Pepto hue and day-glo veneers
I’m sure this very moment, you’ve dissolved into tears
For if Melissa Rycroft were a candy message heart,
She’d shriek: “YOU AND MY 15 MINUTES NEVER SHALL PART!”
Happy (belated) Valentine’s Day and cheers to Glaucoma!

xoxo,
Satan

Samantha Harris
Now that Mumbles has vacated her post as awkward backstage commentator of Dancing With The Stars (“You really sucked out there tonight, Kelley. How will you look yourself in the mirror tomorrow, you pitiful sloth of a dancer?”), she must be shopping on the budget of a T.G.I.Friday’s hostess. That would be my best explanation for her forever-too-small clearance couture. I can smell the cotton/spandex/elastane blend on that cowl neck tunic from the eastern seaboard. I wonder how many 8th graders she had to fight for the last XXS.

Kate Bosworth
And now Kate will perform the principal role from America, F*ck Yeah, the Ballet. Her costume is a made from a vintage flag once honorably used as a dog blanket for the 1987 Westminster Herding Champion. She traded a dreamcatcher, a half a bag of Ruffles and a ceramic flip flop magnet for it. Truly a one-of-a-kind.

Vanessa Paradis
In high school, one of my first jobs was working as a sales slave at Victoria’s Secret. I was fascinated by the never-ending world of flotation devices that promised to make my miniscule ta-tas mimic those of Jenna Jameson. I was also disturbed by the clueless boyfriends/husbands/pervs who practically ransacked the place, working up a sweaty brow and beer gut in search of crotchless lace bodysuits and pretty much anything see-through and trimmed with “fur”…kind of like what Johnny Depp’s lady is rocking here. On their own, I could potentially heart the sheerness of the top or the sneeze-inducing maribou trim, but for heaven sakes, put them together, bind your boobs and scatter packets of pansy seeds to and fro, and I’m back on an express train to crotchless nightmaresville.

Chloe Sevigny
Yay to Chloe for shedding her jellyfish costume from the Golden Globes and sprouting real legs in place of tentacles. But perhaps next time she can meet in the middle between Disney frothcake and The Dude.

Emily Blunt
“Maybe if I stand here and pose REALLY hard, looking extra British, nobody will notice that Benicio went all Russell Crowe on me because I beat him down the red carpet. I’m sorry his ego is too big for the both of us, but he really didn’t have to tear my dress to shreds. Now I look as lopsided as Tara Reid’s boobs.”

(Benicio’s poster): “I heard that. I’ll turn the whole thing into a ShamWow if you don’t shut your royal pie hole.”

Michelle Williams
In my world, Michelle falls into the same camp as Rachel Bilson. I want to carry them around in my pocket all day, airing them out now and then to flit about my shoulders, sprinkle my hair with fairy dust and rap the top 10 gossip headlines from the land of nymphs. But this seatbelt dress gives me pause. And if I see another Elvira Spears smokescreen hem, I might have to take up DNA cloning or watch The Bachelor to disinfect my brain.

Molly Dimick is a writer based in Chicago.

(Photos by WENN)

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Anyway, you can see the results for yourself at USA Today.

Thanks bamz9love for the heads up!

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