In an unintentionally hilarious feud with the National Enqurier’s Mike Walker,  Alec Baldwin shoots out phrases like “he’s a goat-footed, wheezy, old queen, and all my male lovers agree with me.” You should really read the whole thing. (dlisted)

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While many entertainment blogs exist either to mindlessly fawn over celebrities or needlessly attack them for having the audacity to wear yoga pants in public, Michael K occupies a middle space. It’s not heady or intellectual, but it’s also not fluffy and dismissive – Dlisted delights in making fun of people while also loving them and celebrating the pure campy ridiculousness that is celebrity culture. Michael K also blogs obsessively about his non-celebrity favorite things like The Golden Girls or Mother’s Circus Animal Cookies (the pink and white frosted ones).

While DListed racks up thousands of pageviews per day, it differs from other celebrity blogs in that its author is not trying to collect some dregs of the fame for himself. Perez Hilton, author of the eponymous blog that lives to skewer celebrities by drawing penises on their pictures, makes the rounds as a TV pundit and does his best to ingratiate himself into the L.A. scene. Yet Michael K seems happy to continue toiling in obscurity. I know of at least three journalists who have attempted to meet him in person, but the only interview I’ve ever seen of Michael K was on The Awl.com and was conducted via email. Even the celebrity bloggers who aren’t interested in clubbing with Katy Perry often segue their web success into jobs as pundits on VH1 shows or guest columnists for newspapers and magazines. Michael K has done none of that. It’s entirely possible we’ve worked on our laptops at adjacent tables at a downtown coffee shop at the same time and never spoken to each other.

What do we know about Michael K? He’s originally from Los Angeles. He’s gay and has a huge crush on Anderson Cooper. From the Awl interview, I learned that Michael lives on Manhattan’s Lower East Side and has a very cute dog. But that’s about all we have to go on. Many Michael K junkies have a theory about who he is and why he hasn’t taken up any of the opportunities to reveal himself. Here’s mine: Michael works in the entertainment industry – perhaps at a talent agency or high-powered PR firm – and his fun side job would lose him his real one if anyone found out who he really was. However, my theory was debunked when Michael K told The Awl that he was able to make a living from his website, and even though he wasn’t becoming wealthy he was able to afford spending all day working on his blog. My friend Pauline, a motion picture researcher in Los Angeles, believes that Michael K is the queen of the cholas – the stereotypical Mexican-American women with penciled-in eyebrows and overly gelled hair whose beautiful absurdity the blogger often glorifies; Foster Kamer, the former weekend editor of Gawker.com, once wrote that he thinks Michael K moonlights as one of Yale’s Younger Poets. “I just can’t believe he’s young and hot,” said Ashley, a PR flack in San Francisco and admitted DListed addict. “I figured he was an older shlubby gay dude. He’s so deliciously jaded.”

There’s also another, more esoteric theory at play, this one regarding the origin of the blogger’s handle. It’s possible that Michael K is simply a shortened version of the blogger’s real name – perhaps he’s a Michael Kramer, or Knight, or Kane. But his name reminds some (or at least those of us with degrees in English Lit) of J.M. Coetzee’s Booker Prize-winning 1985 novel, Life & Times of Michael K. The book is the story of a young apartheid-era South African man who journeys to his mother’s birthplace. Although racial tensions in the country are a backdrop of the novel’s events, Michael is never identified as black or white. Coetzee, who won the Nobel Prize for Literature in 2003, is known for being a recluse who does very few public appearances, even declining to accept his Booker for Michael K in person. Sounds a little bit like someone else we can think of.

Does it matter that a blogger won’t reveal his identity? After all, Perez Hilton was a cult favorite when he ran the late PageSixSixSix.com, but by the time he relaunched the site under his own name he was also getting an assistant (his sister), talking about himself in the third person, and posting pictures of himself at exclusive events posing with famous people. Now, Perez is one of the most widely disliked pop culture figures in the country, and his blog has taken a steady decline in quality and timeliness as he devotes himself to other projects like putting together a boy band and launching a new fashion-centric website. It’s possible that Michael could go the same route if he were to out himself, becoming less and less of an enigma as he got invited to guest commentate on entertainment shows or landed a six-figure book deal. After all, the only thing Americans love more than elevating someone from obscurity to fame is trying to knock them back down again – the Australians call this phenomenon “tall poppy syndrome.” If you never become popular, it’s a lot harder to suffer from a backlash. Blogging’s hallmark, the thing that immediately separated it from the traditional print style of reporting, has been its first-person approach. Most successful blogs – Dlisted being no exception – are based around a charismatic writer whose personality engages the audience. Could you see the New York Times leading with a story about how celebrities need to stop fucking saying “over the moon” all the time whenever they’re happy about something? Or the Wall Street Journal ever devoting ink to random L.A. famewhores like Phoebe “Chicken Cutlets” Price? Part of what makes blogs – and, in particular, blogs like DListed – more fun is their conversational tone. As a result, it’s easier to feel like we “know” a particular blogger, who writes dozens of posts a day and makes references to their own life, interests, and hobbies than it is to feel like we “know” Maureen Dowd or David Brooks. And when we feel like someone is our friend, it’s almost a sort of rejection when they don’t want to be our friend in return. By essentially refusing to “be our friend” by appearing in the media and giving us insights into his personal life, Michael K’s low-key media existence could be an insult. But there’s another take – sometimes a blog is just a blog. If Michael K owes us anything, it’s the hilarious and clever content he manages to produce in staggering quantities each day. And we pay him back in pageviews, ad click-throughs, and devotion.

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Jordin Sparks, singer (@TheRealJordin):

Kelly Osbourne, reality star (@MissKellyO):

Rainn Wilson, actor (@rainnwilson):

Lady Gaga, singer (@ladygaga):

Katy Perry, singer (@katyperry):

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Lil Wayne, rapper (@liltunechi):

Jessica Simpson, singer (@JessicaSimpson):

Ryan Seacrest, TV and radio host (@RyanSeacrest):

Taylor Swift, singer (@taylorswift13):

Katy Perry, singer (@katyperry):

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Rob Kardashian, reality star (@RobKardashian):

Emmy Rossum, actress/singer (@emmyrossum):

Rainn Wilson, actor (@rainnwilson):

Emma Roberts, actress (@RobertsEmma):

Nick Cannon, actor (@NickCannon):

Katy Perry, singer (@katyperry):

Lauren Conrad, reality star/designer/author (@LaurenConrad):

Chris Colfer, actor (@chriscolfer):

Justin Bieber, actor (@justinbieber):

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If there was any doubt about the last statement, this year — Idol’s ninth season — has effectively silenced it. Now that original judge Paula Abdul has packed up her crazy and headed home and co-creator Simon Cowell will be following her at the end of the year, the show has to redefine itself. And, judging by the choices they’ve made so far, the next season of the show could veer wildly off the rails.

While Ellen DeGeneres is a great host and TV personality, her role on Idol still doesn’t completely fit because she’s outside the music industry. Sure, she’s there to represent the voice of the common folk, but the common folk’s voice is well-represented already since they get to vote. Randy Jackson may have experience in the music biz, but he has been useless for about seven seasons now, recycling the same “It was pitchy, dawg” and “Girl, you can saaaang”-type comments for every contestant. This year, because the show hadn’t nailed DeGeneres down as a permanent judge by the time auditions started, a revolving door of celebrities took their turn appraising the wannabe singers. Some of the choices — Katy Perry, Avril Lavigne, a Jonas brother — may not have been the most musically gifted, but their popularity on the Billboard charts at least gave them a reason to be on the show.

Now, though, it looks like Idol is desperate. One of the guest judges for this season is going to be … Paula Deen. As in, the Savannah chef who hosts multiple Food Network shows and is known for her unabashed embrace of the deep fryer. We may like a lot of Paula Deen’s food, but there’s absolutely no reason for her to be on Idol. In the past, guest judges always had some kind of connection — even a tenuous one — to the music industry. Guest judges/mentors like Mariah Carey, Burt Bacharach, and Dolly Parton provided both music advice and industry advice to the show’s contestants and provided them with great material to cover on the show. Quentin Tarantino popped in to guest judge on Season 3, and all they could come up with for his connection to music was that he likes to use a lot of it in his movies. We really can’t wait to see what farfetched reason they come up with to shoehorn Paula Deen onto the show — maybe it will be something borderline offensive, like asking her to guest judge on Country Week or something. Because you know what reminds us of Johnny Cash? Paula Deen. Yep. Totally logical. Replacing one Paula with another Paula is TOTALLY SUBTLE, Idol. Surely we won’t be able to tell the difference between the one with the Southern accent and the one who sounds like she’s drunk.

As for the ridiculous rumor the show was going to replace Simon Cowell with shock jock Howard Stern? It seems surprisingly likely now, considering that the producers are embracing their love of stunt casting.

(Photo by Ray Filmano / WENN)

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Katy Perry,

As you know from my earlier post, Lindsay Lohan will be presenting at the MTV Video Music Awards.

According to E!, Katy Perry would like to repeat the drama of Madonna & Britney Spears kissing at the VMAs. And the girl that MTV wants to pair up with Katy Perry? Lindsay Lohan!

"Producers are really working hard on it," a source exclusively reveals to me. "They’d love it to be Lindsay, and they’re actually going to ask."

I highly doubt Lindsay would say yes.

Image: Amazon

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