“I’m the Only One”
Performed by Puck
Originally performed by Melissa Etheridge
I thought it was a little strange (or at least on-the-nose) to feature both Melissa Etheridge and k.d. lang in Santana’s big coming out episode. On the other hand, I really like this song, and it was a good fit for Puck. I still have trouble believing everyone in the room couldn’t tell he was eye-fucking Shelby. And how exactly was this supposed to inspire Santana on her journey? Whatever. Points for Puck’s mohawk (especially hot this week, amirite?) and Damian rocking out.
Grade: A-

“Girls Just Want to Have Fun”
Performed by Finn (with Artie)
Originally performed by Cyndi Lauper
Ugh, this is where I lost it. Everything about this was wrong: I hated Finn’s rendition, I hated the violin, and mostly, I hated the sentiment. Encouraging Santana to be herself is a noble cause, but this was the wrong song for it. The implication, unfortunately, is that lesbianism is just girls having fun. And while I know that’s not what Glee believes, that’s the way it came across. The poignancy of Santana’s tears and her hugging Finn meant little after that.
Grade: D

“Jolene”
Performed by Coach Beiste
Originally performed by Dolly Parton
Well, this was interesting. It was nice of Glee to give Dot Marie Jones a chance to stretch herself vocally, but the whole thing felt out of place. Sure, the song was appropriate, but it wasn’t really necessary. It was out of touch with the rest of the episode, and not only because it was about two women fighting over a man. So while I appreciate that Coach Beiste is getting some actual plotlines this season, I didn’t buy this. And that moment when she sang to Quinn was just weird, right?
Grade: C

“I Kissed a Girl”
Performed by Santana, Rachel, The Troubletones, and the female members of Glee Club
Originally performed by Katy Perry
Guys, here’s where I get livid. If “I Kissed a Girl” is what Glee considers to be either a queer rallying cry or an anthem of female independence, I have to seriously question its judgment. Even more than “Girls Just Want to Have Fun,” “I Kissed a Girl” is about how kissing girls is a thing you do just for kicks. It’s a way to be naughty. If you’re lucky, it’ll turn on your boyfriend! I can’t even grade the performance itself, because I’m so angry about this song choice. Oh, and quick note on Damian: loved the face he made during the number, but why has this guy been reduced entirely to useless reaction shots?
Grade: F

“Constant Craving”
Performed by Santana and Shelby (with Kurt)
Originally performed by k.d. lang
Get it? Because k.d. lang is a lesbian. All right, this almost worked, and I’ll admit I was delighted to hear two of my favorites, Naya Rivera and Idina Menzel, singing together. But something about the context of this song really bothered me, and I realized, once again, Glee had mangled its queer politics. Here, Santana’s attraction to women was aligned with Shelby’s attraction to a student. Again, I don’t think Glee believes any of this to be true, but there was a link between queerness and student-teacher romance. Not cool, however unintentional. Saved only by amazing vocals.
Grade: B-

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• Glee Report Card: The First Time
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• Glee Report Card: You Get An Asian F

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1:00 – Our specimens JWOWW, Ronnie and Snooki walk to work. They talk about Snooki’s made, Jionni, whom no one likes because he has terrible pheromones.

1:30 – The women arrive at work. Snooki says she doesn’t feel like working. So she decides to not work at work.

2:00 – Ronnie yells at women with a bullhorn.

3:00 – Marco, the pizzeria boss, gives the group a 15 minute break so they can go shopping for their weekend trip to the beach. They shop for 11 hours.

4:00 – Snooki calls Jionni. They accuse one each other of being rude. Jionni, PhD concludes the conversation by saying, “You guys are crazy. You guys are all fucking nuts.” (Note: Give Jionni a job?)

5:00 – The specimens pack for their weekend in the seaside town of Ricionne. JWOWW brings everything she owns .

5:30 – Pauly thinks they’re bringing too many suitcases. He says, “Eights bags of luggage, two Fiats. You do the math.” The math is eight bags of luggage and two Fiats.

8:00 – Our specimens arrive in Riccione and take inventory of their hotel, which reminds them of Jersey. (Analysis: They are seeing their own reflections and smelling their own hair products.)

9:00 – The men go out to eat. Situation sees his doppelganger at a restaurant. It is a burnt baguette.

10:30 – The girls do a hundred shots at a beachside bar and yell the word “vagina” over and over. (Diagnosis: Tourette’s?)

12:00 – Snooki and Deena are drunk (synonym for “wasted”) and they go shopping.

13:00 – JWOWW and Sam return to the hotel. Snooki and Deena hear club music and go find it. They men also hear club music and arrive. No one else hears this music because it’s like a dog whistle for guidos.

14:30 – Snooki dives face-first into a bush.

16:00 – Snooki and Deena dance. Deena dances so hard her underwear falls out, and it earns her the eternal respect of Pauly.

16:30 – The boys leave because they are embarrassed, which is an emotion they’ve never experienced before so they’re worried they’re dying.

17:00 – Our specimens meet for dinner. Deena and Snooki are nowhere to be found. Pauly blasts high-frequency club music and they appear suddenly.

19:00 – Deena and Snooki are very drunk but they decide to go to the club anyway.

20:00 – Our specimens arrive at the club and dance.

21:00 – Deena dances on a bench. She has no underwear on and everyone can see her vagina. According to JWOWW, she “needs a wax,” which is slang for “a hug.”

23:00 – Snooki and Deena booty dance.

23:30 – Snooki and Deena make out.

24:00 – Everyone decides it’s time to go. Deena and Snooki both fall down.

24:30 – Deena and Snooki make out in the cab.

25:00 – Arriving home, they make out more.

25:00 – Deena and Snooki go to bed together. (Note: Has a parody porn of this been made yet?)

26:00 – The next morning, the male specimens go to breakfast. Pauly accuses Ronnie of being a “swacker” which means a “swagger jacker.” If convicted, Ronnie will serve a felony term.

27:00 – The boys discuss Snooki’s cheating and side with her mate Jionni, PhD, and wonder if he’ll break up with her.

28:00 – Deena and Snooki wake up in one another’s arms. It is The Notebook, basically.

28:30 – Deena emerges from her bed looking ravaged. She says, “I need a food.” (Note: Her skills as a hunter-gatherer are developing nicely.)

29:00 – Deena and Snooki do not remember anything. Deena says, “If I do sex, usually even if I’m blacked out I know I did sex.” (Note: Add this question to I.Q. tests.)

30:00 – JWOWW and Sammi analyze the details to try and determine if Deena and Snooki had sex. A forensics team is coming later.

31:00 – Our specimens leave town. The girls’ car starts smoking because Snooki left the parking brake on.

32:00 Snooki calls her mate Jionni. She tells him about her dalliance with Deena, but forgets to relay the funny part where Deena exposed her vagina.

33:00 – Jionni is not mad. Another victory for womankind.

35:00 – The gang goes to the pizzeria. Mike works hard and everyone is impressed, especially the water bottles, which have now been restocked.

26:00 – Snooki and Deena decide they don’t want to be at work so they hide inside of trashcans. (Note: Get first-person account from Oscar the Grouch.)

37:00 – Snooki and Deena decide to drive to the gym.

38:00 – Snooki crashes her car into a cop car.

38:30 – Snooki does not have her license. Deena calls the boys to fetch Snooki’s license and bring it to them. Examining the document, the boys learn Snooki’s her given name is not actually “Snooki,” but rather, “Hello Kitty.”

39:00 – It appears the driver of the other car has been seriously injured.

40:00 – Hello “Snooki” Kitty is dragged off to jail. She appears excited about scoring an orange jumpsuit.

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Post from: Crushable

It turns out Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries didn’t have a monopoly on August 20th weddings: country singer Chely Wright married her girlfriend Lauren Blitzer on Saturday.

Chely and Lauren, who are ten years apart in age, tied the knot at a Connecticut ceremony. This came a year after Chely came out publicly, in People Magazine. We’re super happy for the couple, despite being slightly disturbed by how similar the two women look.

Right? They’re basically blonde doppelgangers, especially in twin white wedding gowns. Well, we suppose this is just a sign of high self-esteem.

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“I just like ladies who have class. Period. And if it’s “T and A” you’re sellin’, that’s fine, as long as that’s what you’re selling. But you don’t have to show everything, you know? You can hold some back and just be yourself and let your personality shine and let your individuality show. To me, that’s sexier. A confident woman is a sexy woman, in my opinion.”

Queen Latifah has been dodging questions about her sexuality for years and it’s great to see her finally open up about her proclivity for the finer sex. Personally, I’ve always been on the “celebrities should just be honest about this stuff” side of the “is their gayness our business?” argument, and the more awesome women like Latifah that come out, the better for everyone. Your turn, Alicia Keys/Jada Pinkett Smith/Anne Hathaway, etc!

P.S. This reminds us of our favorite-ever Onion headline, “King Latifah Returns for Wife.” Guess you’re out of luck, buddy!

Post from: Crushable

• Being a little bit fat is now healthy. Finally, science comes around to popular opinion. (The Guardian)

• Is it depressing or awesome that Fargo, ND is one of America’s drunkest cities? (TheGloss)

• Natalie Portman knows the lesbian sex is the only reason guys saw Black Swan. (Enterainment Weekly)

• The question is: Who wouldn’t want to wake up to a blowjob? (The Frisky)

• Japanese game shows are now basically Hentai porn. (Buzzfeed)

• Kim Kardashian says she used to pray to God in the bathtub to shrink her boobs. (Celebuzz)

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Post from: Crushable

• When it burns to pee, it might not just be a UTI…(Lemondrop)

• The best flowchart to telling what your boyfriend is getting you for the holidays. (Frisky)

• Miley Cyrus goes for the lesbos looks in some recently revealed (or is that revealing?!) photos. (Buzzfeed)

• Obama is “evolving” on the issue of same-sex marriage. Good! Because the people who don’t believe in letting gay couples marry also don’t believe in evolution! (Washington Post)

• Brian Lichtenberg‘s $1,200 “gizmo” skirt was too terrifying to exist in reality. (The Gloss)

• Dude, we were just wondering what the hell happened to OB tampons as well! Uh…last week, we mean. (Jezebel)

Post from: Crushable

The drunken escapades of this celeb-tween was captured and reported on MediaTakeOut.com, which claims that reports of Bobbi’s bad behavior have been trickling in for months. It looks like regular teenage drunken stupidity to us, but what do we know? After all, Bobbi is smoking a CIGARETTE, which obviously means she’s going to spiral down to drugs and alcoholism the way her parents did. Can’t a girl just ever blame it on the Four Loko?

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• Video: Four Loko Gets An Undeserved Memorial

Post from: Crushable

And now it’s getting even scarier: Advertisers are targetting gays and lesbian profiles with “gender-neutral ads” –for anything from potential careers to getting degrees — so that even though the banners don’t look any different than they would on the profile of someone who identifies as heterosexual, clicking on the ad immediately lets the advertiser know your sexuality, as they’re only being shown to people who have identified as homosexuals.

It’s a sneaky way to get around one of Facebook’s new privacy policies, which seem to hit new snags every day. At this point, it looks like we either have to come to terms with Facebook being the real Big Brother, or delete our profiles entirely (and even then it won’t guarentee your information won’t be stored and used later). Creepy.

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Start your guessing in the comments section!

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Post from: Crushable